The Bitter Truth
by EbonyFumes
Summary: Harry Potter. A hero. A celebrity. A wizard that defeated the killing curse. Harry Potter an abused skinny helpless boy. See the difference yet they are remarkably the same person. So how long do the glamour's last? How long does the pain last? What happens if the hero gives in and what happens if he is not a hero just a little boy starved of love. Drarry happens.
1. Prologue

**So this is my first attempt at writing Harry Potter fanfiction and it will be mostly from Harry`s perspective. The first bit is third person and the rest is in Harry`s perspective.**

 **Warning-child abuse , if you don`t like it don`t read it.**

 **Disclaimer-I do not own anything from Harry Potter obviously that is all JKR.**

 **If you like any of this leave a review on what you think. Thanks for reading.**

 **Prologue**

* * *

Harry Potter the boy who lived. Who defeated Voldemort and left the Wizard Society astounded , stumped on how he overcame the killing curse when great wizards succumbed to the dark intense overwhelming power.

Everyone had different stories ,different perspectives on Harry Potter. How his life was now and how he overcame the Death curse ,how the strongest Wizard was brought down by a little boy and a baby at that. Many believed that Harry Potter was a spoilt boy pampered by his relatives ,who would want for nothing and that was far from the truth.

Everyone knew of the story ,it was published in most history books and was a common bedtime story. Ironically the one wizard not to know what happened, was the boy himself.

Harry James Potter, a forgotten invisible boy who had learnt at a devastatingly too young age that life really wasn't all that great with terrible unimaginable things happening to the boy making him believe that no one truly cared because it seemed that no one did and no one ever would.

The Dursley`s were an odd family but if you were to meet them you would think they were about as ordinary as it could get ,hell you would never guess they were hiding something and especially wouldn't guess the 'thing' to be a ten year old boy. Harry mostly went unnoticed by his neighbours as his reflection and skin colour was almost ghostly .Harry had already skilled the power to stay out of sight, he learnt how to make himself disappear with out physically not being there.

Maybe they didn't seem him because of his lack of height due to severe malnutrition but what ever it was he still remained unseen. Living a lonely life in the shadows with only the spiders in his cupboard to call friends and even then, they left him. It seems they all left him.

His relatives were the worst kind of muggles you could find. They ignored him mostly referring to him as 'boy' he was nothing but a slave cooking and cleaning any job that was simply bestowed upon him, contact was rare to say and the only contact he ever had was pain, unforgettable ,agony that branded his skin , affection was unheard of.

Harry rarely used his voice and when he did he recited the same old anxious airy words _"Yes Sir"._

 _"Sorry Sir"_ and that was about how far it got. Sadly his so called family also neglected his education never letting Harry go to Harry taught himself to do things society would think inconceivable . He learnt how to read and write and was well above his reading age ,although the words always seem to blur together. Yet the words enticed him leaving with an intelligence one would think nearly impossible to be self taught.

Harry had few possessions that being some old tattered literature books ,an old musty blanket, a few of Dudleys over-sized clothes and a small piece of paper hung up in his cupboard reading 'Harry's Room'. The reasoning for that was perhaps the saddest of all, so he never forgot his name as everyone else seemed to forget it and only the lady that screams of 'Harry' in his nightmares were the only reminders he existed.

* * *

Then there was the day that gave me hope. I awoke around the same time I always did and if I didn't I always had the same alarm of my whale of an Uncle screaming for me to make their breakfast, which as of course you can imagine wasn't the most pleasant wake up call. Then combine that with Dudley banging up and down the stairs as the dust stuck to my unruly dark brown hair, you could say that well it really wasn`t the best way to wake up but it was the only way I _knew_.

I sighed deeply at the familiar call as I dangled my emaciated ankles over the old thin mattress which really constituted of two old ratty blankets on top of each other . Slowly I warily pushed my little cupboard door open, relieved it was unlocked .I could cope with the beatings they were expected and predictable I knew when they were coming but no I hated ,despised being locked in , it left you powerless weak and well to be honest extremely claustrophobic.

I walked noiselessly my face blank as I stared emptily at the floor which was an uncommon emotion for someone to have at ten years old I guess , my eyes only seemed to meet the floor these days because the Dursleys didn't like it when I looked at them as it was thought to be rude or a sign of disrespect , they did not want to be reminded of the 'freak' which was me .Silently, again I made my way over to the stove and started preparing their large feast which they called `a light breakfast` which surprisingly wasn`t sarcasm actually I`d be worried if it I finished my first chore of the day I placed it down in the centre of the table ,taking a meagre portion of bread as I knew that was all I was going to get in a while. Only to then be interrupted by a small argument over who would get the mail. To be blamed on me even though no participation was on my behalf was involved. I nodded my head for reasons unknown as I mumbled a meek "Sorry Sir" and then I quickly disappeared into the front garden knowing it was early and the streets wouldn't see me I thought bitterly _no one does_ , not that they be suspect anything , the Dursley`s were far too normal for that .I opened the mailbox curiously and looked at the bundle of letters reading each one and as I came to the last one expecting it to be addressed to Vernon Dursley as they all usually were it was addressed to me?. Who would anyone send me mail?. There was no one to send me mail.

Curiously I checked again looking for a mistake because there must be. After all there was few who knew my name and it really wasn`t a privilege hell when Vernon called him Harry that was when things got bad, or perhaps bad was a slight understatement. I paused hesitantly checking again as it read;

 _Mr H. Potter_

 _The Cupboard Under The Stairs_

 _4 Privet Drive_

 _Little Whinging_

 _Surrey_

Tremblingly I slipped the letter into my pocket in my oversized shirt that was once was Dudley`s old t-shirt at seven years old can you believe it?. Although with my tiny frame it can fit three of me in so I don`t think a letter is going to been seen.

I rush inside knowing I messed up. Damn I took too long and Vernon will find any reason to turn his deep rooted hatred into violence, I think he sadistically enjoys it. Can I blame him though after all I am freak and freaks are nothing. Although I don't actually think he needs a reason it's just him and my 'freakish' natures the second he touches Dudley would probably be when the world is ending even then I would highly doubt it even then. Sometimes he lets Dudley take over hitting me and shows him cruel ways to hurt me and it is one of the most humiliating things, let me tell you that.

My shoulders grow tense as I walk rushingly back to the house , quietly opening the door hoping they didn't think any thing was out of the ordinary ,although they would with me. I paused once more wishing I could run off and find solace some how I don't think that's going to happen. I`m not that lucky , definitely not.

Slowly I open the door as the familar voices burns in my ears as vernon so kindly snatches the letter out of my tiny _too_ small shaking hands. Vernon then did one of his usual nods and commanded me ,as he proceeded to once again so kindly put it, to stay in my cupboard . Well at least there are no more chores I thought as I then routinely followed the disturbing familiar steps to the cupboard knowing it would be a while before it would be opened again. As soon as I timidly shut the cupboard door, it was locked and the vent was shut and off view.

Then I stupidly remembered the letter , how could I forget in the first place someone sent me a letter. Carefully I pulled it out of my top and then inspected it throughly as if it was going to attack me It was not some simple letter that always seemed to be delivered to the Dursley`s . It seemed more predominant than that more important , so why was it addressed to me?. Gently I opened as if it was going to disappear . This has got to be a joke probably from Dudley or something although if that was the truth it seems to intelligently put together for it to be him but then once again who would send me a letter I was just harry or boy to Uncle Vernon.

Quickly I skimmed my eyes cautiously over the letter , my jaw dropping the further on I read.

Wait.

What?

No.

A wizard , no that simply wasn't possible . Wizards don't exist , and even so I certainly didn't posses any magic surely . Except from that time I ended up on the roof because of Dudley but that was the wind surely?.

I chuckle slightly under my breath why me all of all people, I'm not a wizard I'm just Harry or boy or any other names that my uncle loves to say. How am I meant to even buy all these things that `wizards` are supposed to own. I mean come on , a cauldron because everyone has one of them around.

Although it's not as if it's going to happen? I mean come on right?. Once they finding out who I am they'll expel me. Once they find out I've never been to school or never been to the doctor or anything regular. They'll be disgusted. Once they find out I`m a freak that I`m a worthless no-body it will be all over and back to the Dursley`s Harry shall go.

I sigh loudly as my hands grasp the broken figurines and attempt to distract myself from reality or Hogwarts or really just anything.

Sometimes dreams just stay dreams. This is just one of those things. It has too be.

* * *

6 days.

6 numbing days until I heard the cupboard door open.

6 endlessly dragging days until I saw really anything outside of the cupboard.

6 empty lightheaded days in that time I saw no food although that wasn`t a surprise it happened often enough.

In that time I found it impossible to sleep. It wasn`t just the cupboard or even Uncle Vernon and his scalding foreboding belt or Dudley`s obesity or Petunia`s horse like face. No it was because of a green light and a red headed woman who could only scream `Harry`. It was the same every night her death playing out in front of me ,mixed in with a high pitched meancing laughter that was the most haunting thing to ever come to my ears it put Vernon`s sadistic voice to shame ,easily.

Then it resumed like nothing ever happened I went back to the chores. The same nightly routine happened which mainly consumed of Vernon beating me until I was unconscious whilst Dudley watched find it all oddly entertaining as he said things like `look at that, the freak`s crying` and then mostly decided to laugh or taunt me he was quite predictable to be honest they all were. The Dursley`s were familiar ,unpleasant and normal to some but they were always predictable and everything was routine and heaven forbid if anyone broke that routine. It just so happens I broke the routine when am owl. Yes an owl decided to peck on the window as you find at ten o clock in the morning.

I`m way too cynical for a ten year old, well nearly eleven year old.

Anyway I was brought out of my cleaning from Petunia`s screaming "It`s happened the freaks" as she then proceeded to coddle Dudley`s face sheltering his eyes from the overwhelming `freakiness` of the situation ,as Vernon looked thoroughly digusted. Muttering something incoherently about "expecting it" and "finally ridding ourselves of that boy".

Dangling carelessly on the owls claws was a piece of string connected to a piece of old parchment reading _"A member of staff from Hogwarts will be sent in an hour to collect Harry Potter to buy his school supplies from Diagon Alley"_ it was written precisely in copperplate cursive writing. I tore my eyes from the note to look at Vernon`s face who`s glare was burning into my body and if this was a cartoon you would see the steam come out of his ears.

That was how nearly an hour later I was dressed in Dudley`s best hand me downs that didn`t look too baggy on my skinny body and my face was then covered in some of Petunia's make up to hide the bruises. It was just that moment that Vernon decided I needed a warning. He dragged my body out of the room and out of the Dursley`s eyes as he removed the belt from his trousers.

No, not again I thought.

He then removed my t-shirt from my repulsive small body as the belt hit my skin. Flinching back in the all too familiar pain as the blood began to spill effortlessly out of new wounds as he then slammed it down again the buckle scraping along my back in an agonising ruthless pain. He did that for a further eight times to show my ten painful lonely years on this earth he said. He then threw my body against the cupboard pinning my blood smeared back as he whispered tauntingly in my ear "If I hear that you have told any of these Wizards about any of this you will rue the day you were born boy and I will no doubt about it finish off what should have happened in that car crash" I nodded fearfully as I began to get dressed for the third time today , as I gently threw on my t shirt loosely on my body again covering up the blood that could run through, with another checked shirt. The blood never seemed to spill out for that long. Hopefully it didn`t decide to do that today.

Vernon walked coldly laughing harshly to himself as my pain was his enjoyment. It always was. The only who didn`t like my beatings because they all knew it happened was Petunia. No ,Petunia didn`t care about my pain she was actually terrified that my contaminated freakish blood would stain her carpets and then her reputation as a housewife would be ruined. It wasn`t like she really was the house wife I cleaned the house not her.

I groaned slightly moaning out loud at the pain dancing ruthlessly at my back, my back which was more scars then skin. I looked across and made my way back to the kitchen as I waited some kind of escape from this hell that would only last a few hours but still it was better than here,much better than here.

 _Anything was in the end._


	2. Diagon Alley

**Hello, first I would like to thank everyone who read my story it means a lot so thank you, for the follows and the favourites.**

 **I hope this next chapter lives up to your expectations.**

 **In response to my first review- Thank you firstly, I understand what you mean with the perspectives and I have update it to try and get rid of any confusion as I do tend to make mistakes with tenses, sorry. I have rechecked them and tried to put the correct tense in places. The first bit was meant to be third person and the rest from Harry`s perspective in first perspective, I hope it makes a bit more sense I will just stick to Harry`s perspective.**

 **Oh, and if anyone has any ideas on what house to put Harry in please a review or a message, thanks!**

 **Disclaimer-I do not own anything.**

 **So,where to next Diagon Alley,**

 **Where we will see how cunning Harry Potter truly is?**

* * *

So that`s how I then found myself following this giant of man, called Hagrid who really made me feel a dwarf and a small one at that. Sure, he seemed nice but wasn`t that what people did, they tricked you and Hagrid is much stronger than Vernon, much stronger I would not like to be under his wrath. Anyway, adults were not meant to be _trusted_ although to be fair people in general are not meant to be trusted. I can`t forget Dudley`s gang they always enjoyed a bit of Harry Hunting so that then determines people even my age were not meant to be trusted.

"Harry ,here we are the Leaky Cauldron" said Hagrid his eyes looking at my face expectantly. We were currently in front of a pub which you could describe as grubby, well I would describe it as grubby. Is Hagrid okay I mean I hardly doubt the portal to a `Wizarding World` is through a pub and if that is then correct they are just setting us up to become alcoholics, right?

"C`mon Harry" Hagrid grumbled as he pushed open the blank ash grey door my small frame sliding through easily with room to spare as Hagrid ducked. I certainly don`t know what I was expecting but I prefer it outside, inside it was dark and suffocating with people I`ve never met. Hagrid and the barman Tom I think he was called, started conversing and then suddenly their attention was fixated on me.

"No I-it couldn't be, Harry Potter" He spoke his voice rough ,as everyone in the pub abruptly stopped and turned around as if my name was important. There were people shaking my hand telling me what great things I have achieved. They must be wildly mistaken I haven`t achieved anything they must be looking for someone else a clone. Or maybe just someone with my name. Yes, that seems plausible they can`t be looking for a _freak_. Honestly there were more people surrounding me than I have ever met. Then thankfully it stopped, as Hagrid tugged my arm gently leading me to some back garden and then started tapping the walk mumbling something incoherently to himself. I really don`t think this is how you open a portal, right. Which once more got me re -thinking Hagrid`s sanity. Although seems I was wrong as a small hole began to grow and then suddenly it became an arch and beyond that was a kaleidoscope of cobbled lanes and long looming buildings clamped together.

"So where are we going first Hagrid, I-I don`t have a-any money" I stuttered timidly, realisation hitting me , how could I even go to this school without even buying the supplies.I shouldn't have gone, _dreams are meant to stay dreams._

Hagrid chuckled almightily throwing his head back rambunctiously as if he was sharing a private joke with himself as I had no idea what was humorous.

"You can`t believe that Harry, Lily and James wouldn't have left their kid with nothing, that`s what Gringotts is for" Hagrid bellowed. I looked up at him in surprise, nothing seemed to add up my parent`s didn't care about me, right? They died in car crash whilst drinking which of course should have finished me off and then I never would have met the Dursley`s. Second what`s this `Harry Potter`famous business, freaks aren`t meant to be praised.

"Erm, Hagrid why does everyone think I have done something incredible and my parents they d-didn't care they died in a drunk car crash, nothing makes sense" I whispered and just in that moment Hagrid`s face went blank then filling with rage as I flinched taking a step instinctively. I knew it, it`s definitely a trick, I shouldn't have opened my mouth, freaks don`t ask questions.

"Lily and James dyin in a muggle car crash, now that would never happen" Hagrid said his voice smothered in choleric.

"So how did they die" I asked meekly my hair dangling in front of my eyes. Meanwhile, my brain was still trying to process that the Dursley`s lied to me. I don`t know why I am so surprised they never liked me in the first place that`s an understatement I was simply a burden, still am really but why does it hurt?

"I`m not sure if I should be the one to tell yer` this Harry" he replied and just like that he jumped into an explanation on what really happened and why I have my scar in the shape of a lightning bolt. So, I defeated a dark wizard called Voldemort and my parents they weren`t sinners like Vernon calls them. They protected me, I don`t know why. I killed them. I`m no hero, I`m a freak and I don`t want to see their reaction when I get sent back to the Dursley`s. I`m not meant to be here.

I sigh silently,as we arrive at `Gringotts` written in fanciful black or was it brown cursive writing, of course. Which was a gnarled antediluvian off-white building that looked like it was worth a lot of money, perhaps too much money. I follow Hagrid hesitantly through the door and shocked at the first thing that meets my eye. It is a green rather small creature with white outlandish hair and a sharp pointed nose. The creatures were goblins and they ran a bank. This `Wizarding World` is starting to seem more and more whimsical. Inside the bank, it was decorated with a marble smooth floor and great big ostentatious chandeliers, that could flatten me without even trying. Hagrid said my name once more ,which I have heard more today than ever in my life. If I thought I could forget it, I can`t now.

The globin glared at me and then proceeded to produce a key ,that was the most beautiful key I have ever seen, albeit I haven`t exactly seen that many. And then we were on our way to my vault which seemed rather unrealistic a whole vault to myself. If I had eaten today I would have thrown it right up on this idiosyncratic contraption that takes you to your vault. Which is quite clever but the nausea wasn`t exactly what I could call fun, although I never really had fun I guess. It`s really an unknown word to me, an unknown concept.

Nevertheless, we arrived at my very own vault and as the key unlocked the door, a familiar sound but it was always backwards for me it was always some one locking the door to my cupboard. It`s ironic really the cupboard was small and I hated being trapped in it but I was safe hardly anything could hurt me in there, I just hated the concept of being _trapped_. I felt my jaw drop once more as I looked at the contents in awe. It was filled with neat meticulous stacks of gold, silver and bronze and it was more money than I could dream of. The gold ones were gallons, the silver was called sickles and the bronze was knuts. I grasped as much as my pouch would fill as a wave of self-loathing hit me. I don`t deserve this, it`s too much. I shook it off my face turning into a blank expression which I usually wore as I tried to supress my emotions. I`m not one to wear my heart on my sleeve that means getting hurt and I get hurt too much ,already. I can still feel the raw sticky blood dribbling down my back from my warning or punishment but I'm not stupid. I`m not going to tell even if there is nothing to lose.

Then we were out of Gringotts and heading down a never-ending street filled with people wearing eccentric clothing to say the least. I do not know how I managed to supress the panic clawing at my throat begging to escape. We went to a store to buy robes, I think. Then the lady who owned the shop asked me to stand somewhere whilst she measured me, which I was thoroughly uncomfortable with as she tutted softly at my weight. Mumbling something that sounded like "much too skinny" and then pressing lightly on my back and I have no idea how again I manged to supress a flinch or even a whimper of pain. Then it was over thankfully as she passed me some robes in black and a winter robe a hat and the rest of the clothes we were expected to buy. It was more clothes than I ever owned and they fit me. They didn't hang loosely over my abnormal frame like Dudley`s did. She passed the clothes over to me as I thanked her profusely whilst then collecting the money I owed her. A smile graced her face as she said "So, polite that boy" and I flinched slightly at the use of the word `boy` being directed at me once more. Reminding me of my worth how did I manage to forget my freakiness said a voice that sounded an awful lot like Petunia.

She looked at me oddly as I exited the story with Hagrid. Finally, after a while we were nearly done, I bought all the books I needed and there was an awful lot of them if I`m honest. Then a cauldron was bought and a trunk filled off with equipment and now we were off in a search of `Ollivander`s` a wand shop. Great shadowing old gold letters dragged over the shop. The shop thankfully was empty as I walked in, only the silent piercing the air,with only a light sound escaping from the over-used metallic bell. Then an willowed old man who recognised me instantly arrived from the back.

"I was, wondering when you would get here, Mister Potter" he spoke his voice brash and rough.

I nodded in response, as he went off in his back room saying something about my parents and how it felt just like yesterday when they purchased their wands. Then a small long black box appeared in front of me as he told me to clutch it tightly and swing forwards and just as I followed his instructions the boxes began to cascade downwards as I placed the wand back fearfully. "No, definitely not the wand for you" he spoke.

Then another wand appeared and after a while because none of them seemed to fit, which got me thinking once more am I even a wizard. Just then he appeared once more grasping another long box whispering "Curious" I wasn`t sure if he was talking to me or himself. I held it carefully waiting for it to decline me like the others did. Yet it didn`t ,as the light began to spiral around me and it was eminently beautiful.

"Now that mister Potter is your wand, holly and phoenix feather eleven inches" he replied his voice full of surprise and a hint of awe. Just as I was passing the money over he said that the other feather belonged to the person who gave me my scar and said something like we should expect great things from me. Well that`s a first, expecting good from me I`m a nobody when is the Wizarding World going to learn. I`m surprised a wand even picked me in the end. Then it hit me, the shopping was over and back to the cupboard I would go until September. Hagrid grumbled and led me back to the `Leaky Cauldron` and then we were back soon on the underground and as he passed me a ticket for the train and a sandwich which I quickly devoured. He then began to tell me not to lose the ticket and then we were back on number four Privet Drive. Where I would be in my cupboard till Hogwarts. Hagrid`s tall frame then decided to crush my organs as he hugged me tightly and I could not help but squirm under his grip. I was not used for affection and just like that he was gone. I opened the door to the Dursley's and I was met with the sight of a purple Vernon looking at me expectantly.

"Now. I trust that you did not mention anything that happens here boy" he thundered his voice laced in disgust as he glared down at me.

"Of course, not sir" I whispered staring intently at the floor.

He then paused and began to walk over to me as he harshly gripped my bony arm and pushed me roughly into my cupboard locking the door behind me as he walked away as if nothing happened. And Just like that I was back where I started in my cold dirty cupboard but at least it was mine and it was safe, if anything. Yet now I was left with the consuming thoughts of the Wizarding World and the taunting voice saying they made a mistake.

 _They must of._

.


	3. August

**Hello, thank you for the review and the many follows and the favourites (you`re the best). It`s a nice reminder that someone reads what I write. I really am surprised from the response I am aware that I haven't updated in a few days because I have been away, sorry. Once more I hope this story lives up to your expectations I`m always anxious about the response I`m going to get, if you like it so far or there are any questions please leave a review.**

 **Anyway, so now Harry is back in the grasp of the Muggle World.**

 **What happens in August?**

 **Does his family lay off?**

 **If you can even call the Dursley`s Harry`s family. Or does the abuse begin to grow?**

 **Read on to find out what happens...**

 **August**

* * *

Just like that, not that I should really be surprised. It was nothing _new_.

Trapped in my cupboard once more. The Wizarding World seemed more like a dream , or a faded memory that I can`t forget. Where people saw me as something other than a freak , for now.

If Petunia heard that statement she would laugh and claim "that freaks are always freaks" one of her most favourite phrases, directed towards me of course. Yet Vernon`s anger only seemed to grow since the letter. If his violence was once intolerable, I don't know how you would describe it now.

Today the cupboard seems smaller, it seems darker and in general more lonelier than usual.

The last time I ate was when Hagrid gave me that sandwich. I shouldn't have eaten it so quickly. The Dursley`s were even angrier than usual. Petunia added more chores than usual and Vernon, well he slammed his belt on my back whenever he had a free moment. And Dudley just sat in on them all as Vernon taught him `correctly` on how to damage freaks. It was all rather disturbing and more sadistic than usual and that was certainly saying something. Life just seemed worse when I found magic existed sure it seems exciting and everything made more sense that it did originally. Yet now I must figure out who I am.

 _But can you conceal this, your freakiness, your bruises and your scars?_ bellowed a voice in my head as I continued to intently stare at the cupboard ceiling , an activity I usually did when I think in my cupboard. They are just going to be disappointed when they find out who I am. Then there are all the people who are going to attend Hogwarts and not to mention I have never really made a friend, Dudley always so kindly took care of that.

It was as if Vernon could hear Harry`s sarcasm in his head about Dudley. As loud deafening footsteps trailed towards the cupboard alerting me of his unwanted presence. Slowly I lifted my head out of the numb position on my bed and straightened my back slightly. The sound of a door opening echoed loudly in my ears as my heart continued to pound quickly in my ears the blood rushing to my head. Then I was met with sight of Vernon and his grotesque purple pigmented face which only turned that colour when he was angry. Not that his face was a different colour when he was around me he was always purple mostly because he was thoroughly repulsed as he mentions whenever I'm near, so I don`t forget.

"One week boy, until you`re in that school of Freaks and I have come to deliver another warning. Take off your shirt can`t have you get blood over Dudley`s old clothes can we" he instructs his voice piercing my ears. I nodded my head meekly, so with shaking hands I quickly removed my shirt begging my mind to go somewhere else. It`s always worse when I fight back so I obey anxiously. His hands dig deeply into my skin the blood lightly stinging my arms as he threw me onto the cupboard floor. My body slamming harshly with the dirty wooden floor as the punches and the ruthless kicks rained down on my small body as I instinctively curled in a ball attempting to protect anything. Then I heard the unbuckling of a belt as Vernon hands pulled my body straight. I shut my eyes fearfully waiting for that inevitable moment that the belt would meet my body.

The belt buckle then decided to made contact against my back, as I supressed a reaction. He will not hear my screams they always seem to make the beatings go on as he got some sickening pleasure from them, so did Dudley and Petunia is just probably pissed about my screaming interrupting her from well whatever she does, that is apparently so important to her.

I clenched my fists as I bite my lip trying anything, to distract myself from the overwhelming ongoing pain , as the buckle came down harsher and more painfully each and every time the pain flushing through my body as I begged internally of course for the beating to end. Even unconsciousness would be better than this but I was not that lucky , I never was. Until finally when I got to the number of twenty times the belt snapped along my back. Thankfully it then stopped as the buckle was secured around Vernon`s too large waist. I pulled my defenceless body against the wall staring into the cold twisted eyes of Vernon Dursley.

"You better not tell any of them freaks about what happens here, or I swear boy this will seem like a warm up and when I`m done you will either be dead or wish it _freak_ " Vernon thundered his voice filling the cupboard as he spat on my face mumbling an incoherent curse as his mouth curled into a sadistic haunting smirk.

One week. Then I can get out of here maybe it will be better than here, it must be right? Can anything be worse.

At least this time he hasn`t locked the cupboard door. I shake myself off from these looming thoughts as I stare down at my body, repulsed by the amount of blood smudged up and down my figure as it carries on bleeding helplessly. I`m just glad there's no mirror here I really don`t think I could stomach seeing my back. I know my back is worse than my front ,it's probably more scars than skin and that`s something I certainly don`t want to see, again.

Whenever the Dursley`s let me out to use the toilet or the occasional shower which let me tell you was rare as they only did it when they declared me filthy and dirty. I used to lock the door in the bathroom and remove my shirt and stare at them. At the inconceivable mess of scars that littered my back and it was nauseating and believe me if they gave me anything before a shower it was thrown straight up without a doubt. I used to attempt to scrub them away, still do and I only really stopped until my body was covered in blood as I hoped they would erase themselves , but the scars never did.

Usually he uses his belt but sometimes he brings out whips and other weapons and just watches how they cut effortlessly into my back. He likes the belt the most due to the screams that used to escape me but now he`s probably bored because I keep the screams in which he probably hates and I imagine Dudley hates too.

It`s hard to believe I am related to them at times. I`d probably think I was adopted if they didn`t insult my parents daily and say just how much they wish I died that day and then there is that lurking thought in the back of my head saying that _I wish I died that day_. Tactfully I raise my cadaverous body, thankful of my size because at least I don`t hit my head on the low celling that`s about the only good thing.

I open the cupboard fearfully the paranoia setting in my bones as I look both ways relying on my ears to alert me. Although you can usually hear them coming, Vernon`s footsteps are like earthquakes and Dudley tends to bounce around sending small tremors through out the house and Petunia well she usually stays out the way but if not her shrill voice is loud enough to hurt anyone's ears.

The kitchen is dark and dull ,yet I carry on walking as my feet make no noise against the hardwood floor. Silently I open the bin and I am completely aware what I am doing is disgusting but it`s either that or I starve to death and well I`m nearly there. I snatch a napkin full of well food no idea what it is exactly but I keep hold of it and steal a small piece of bread which they won`t notice. I place the top of the bin back on carefully as I make my way back to the cupboard shutting the door soundlessly. As I then turn on the light knowing no one will be able to see me, as it's under the stairs.

I unravel the tissue seeing some odd-looking vegetables which Vernon and Dudley despise but Petunia makes sure her `Duddikins` eats she doesn`t want him to waste away, oh the irony. She tries to make sure he has a healthy diet by feeding him as many sweets and sugary treats as she can but it seems Dudley hasn`t complied to eating these vegetables ,which I cooked him. So, he or Vernon because well Vernon is just as bad as him have stuffed them in a tissue hoping she doesn`t see. Well it`s there loss at least I can eat tonight, slowly I eat savouring each bite because the food is better than usual. I hide the piece of bread in my small box under my blanket. For next time in case they lock me in here again, which seems very likely. It always is.

I rest my head slowly wincing at the pain as my back touches the blankets, deciding not to wear a shirt as that will just increase the pain and it will stick in the morning and be even more painful. I shut my eyes as I return to the fitful nightmares.

* * *

The week before starting Hogwarts dragged on slightly. The beatings were more regular but he avoided my face not wanting any one to find out about this. I used to think that these beatings that happened were normal until I realised that no one else well none of Dudley`s friends or the kids on the playground get beaten or starved. Then again none of them were sent to live with their relatives. It`s not like I want anyone to find out what happens here at least with the Dursley`s I know my place and mostly I do deserve it.

The chores were still there and they all seemed slightly happier knowing that next week ,me the burden would be lifted of them until summer. It was very bittersweet because as much as I wanted to get away from Vernon`s wrath I was about to be thrown into a new world that I knew nothing about and it wasn`t like I could read the books or research anything because Vernon so kindly locked them away somewhere until September the first which was about five or something days away. I don`t even know what going to school is like I mean the Dursley's gave me some pitiful books and I have a library card which I use when they go away and sometimes Miss fig teaches me things but that`s about it.

I just must keep my shameful freaky life separated from the wizarding world. I do not want to see their reaction although I can probably predict it.

And then finally it was the day.

The day where I left this wretched brooding shameful life of mine, which would either become much better or much worse. I wonder which one it will be although I really do not have the best luck, which as you can guess I learnt the hard way.

I awoke to Vernon`s incessant shouting of "wake up Boy" which is always eminently nice, especially in the morning as I am sure you can imagine. Slowly I put on my nicest clothes and opened the door. As I made their breakfast and it was very like the day I got the Hogwarts letter which was a very unnatural weird day. I walked quickly to the kitchen where they all sat on the sofa awaiting their breakfast. I cracked their eggs as I waited for their bacon to cook and then tipped the mountain onto a large plate and placed it in the centre of the table. Petunia then stood up and tugged my arm and lead me outside as I tilted my head slightly wondering what she was doing it`s not as if if she was going to have a nice chat with me.

"I`m sure Vernon has made sure but you better not tell anyone what happens here, you will regret it" she whispers her voice piercing my ears as I nod ,her nails grip harshly into my wrists the blood dribbling softly down my arm. She passes me a piece of burnt toast and demands me to eat.

After their breakfast and mine I guess ,Vernon loudly waddles upstairs carrying my trunk filled with school stuff which is surprisingly kind of him, although to be fair he really does want me gone.

I run back to my cupboard dragging my trunk along with me,as I fill it with books and certain possessions and some of Dudley`s hand me downs that aren`t in tatters.

I don`t want them being suspicious about anything _this is going to stay a secret if it`s the last thing I do ._

 _._


	4. Platform Nine and three quarters

**Hello, everyone, sorry for the wait again. I'm not a very competent person bit of a procrastinator to be completely honest. Although I do enjoy writing this story. Anyway, I am very clueless on what house Harry should go in so far, I'm thinking Slytherin because overall this is a Drarry story although they are not going to fall in love as first years because I mean they`re eleven just friendship (sorry to disappoint ). I hope you`re enjoying the story. As usually before I update I do tend to get a bit anxious , just don`t really want this story to go downhill. Oh and by the way this story is not canon although it will have most of the storylines but it's more of a darker twisted version of Harry Potter (who will be a cynical and sarcastic soul)and I'm sure the philosophers stone won`t be involved as it will focus more on Harry.**

 **If it does go downhill please tell me (that certainly sounded pathetic no matter how I put it).**

 **Okay enough rambling and cynic nonsense. Review if you like it!**

 **Here is Chapter Four; Platform nine and three quarters**

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Briskly I lock my trunk and grasp the handles tightly as I attempt to carry it out of the house without looking like a pathetic weak incompetent boy, wow that sounded like Vernon. Hesitantly I glance upwards at his ugly purple obese face as his features look down at me with pure disgust which is what it always looks like, his mouth curls into a sharp snarl as he pushes me out of the door.

I fall directly onto the pavement as my body decides to be klutz and face plant the floor although thankfully I'm not injured well at least not from my _clumsiness_. I stand up brushing the dirt of the only alright hand me downs I own as I hear Dudley`s snickering and Vernon`s thundering laugh fill the hallway, piercing my ears.

"Remember what I said, now go the station it`s about five minutes away and do not contact us _freak_ " he bellows as the door slams harshly in my face and just like that my old life seems to have shut me out quite literally . I sigh softly as I crouch downwards , I clasp the handles of the trunk in my hand once more. I look fleetingly towards the uniformed cold house knowing that I'm probably not going to miss it but what if the wizarding world isn`t all it seems? what if it is worse? I'm invisible here unless I`m getting beaten or ridiculed whereas their they want me to be the saviour, some twisted poster boy , a hero for defeating a dark lord that killed my parents, well that sounded bitter. I really do need to stop having arguments in my head.

I shake off my worrisome thoughts as I walk across the street I`m just thankful I know where the station is. I only really use the train when the Dursley's go on holiday and they seem to pity me or something because they leave a small amount of money behind so well in their words `I don`t starve to death` and then they are left to clean a corpse of their floors. I can imagine Petunia`s reaction. Oh, no my precious carpet it`s covered in blood how will I get it out of the carpet, what if it stains? and then well let's just say it`s good I'll be dead because she`d kill me for well destroying her floor and then she`d make me clean it up. Can ghosts clean? Hopefully not.

Yes, I am way too cynical for an eleven-year-old, I know do not remind me.

Although I have never truly been innocent well at least not in their eyes I have always been the _abnormal unnatural freak_ that was dumped on their doorstep and they had to take me in because of their gratitude apparently and their big hearts well that was what they said. Yet at least with me gone they can be normal again albeit who`s going to clean the house or garden because the world will end before Petunia picks up a trowel or heaven forbid a toilet brush. Perhaps they won`t take for granted their small slave although they will probably just pile on more chores next time I see them which sounds oh so much fun I really do hope you detect my strong sarcasm in that statement.

I carry on walking until I reach the big obvious sign that points towards the entrance of the train station and I must look weird to muggles because I'm carrying round a huge trunk at least I didn't get an owl they`d probably run away terrified and wet themselves.

I readjust my grip on the trunk because it`s heavy especially when you`re small.

Anxiously I re-check my ticket as my eyes flutter in confusion and consternation at what I read,platform 9 and three quarters. Is this some joke? It does not exist, surely. I walk hastily as platform nine comes to eye. I look around shuffling my body slightly so I can appear as normal as possible. As a family of red-heads who look more like a blur of red walk by and I`m just thankful one of them said `muggles`. I watch them and they all seem to run towards a brick wall between nine and ten. Well that makes sense and then the wall seems to oddly encapsulate them and pull them to other side like a portal. I wait skittishly until they are gone I`m not really a sociable person nor am I in the mood for some rejection or for people to find out I'm the boy-who-lived. Thankfully they are finished after a minute or two and I run towards the wall trying to hide the worry that says I`m just going to crack my head open because this isn`t a portal and the blur of red was really just an illusion.

To my relief, I make it to platform nine and three quarters as I see a large red steam train engraved with the elaborate Hogwarts Crest. I hoist my trunk up trying to ignore the painful ache in my arm as two tall identical red heads seem to see my struggle.

"Oh, look an ickle first year "I hear from one of them.

"They get smaller every year" interrupts the other identical twin.

"He`s even smaller than Ron" says the other.

Then well I`m not sure which one because I cannot tell them apart . Hoists my trunk up almost effortlessly and places it to where they seem to store them and then two hands are thrust straight towards me waiting to be shook. Anxiously I shake them both as they begin to introduce themselves.

"George" he looks at me his eyes glittering with amusement and oddly sincerity.

"Fred and you are?" the other one asks his eyes wearing the same expression.

"Harry" I reply my hands trembling slightly.

"Could it be" he looks onwards at me his face filled with shock as he looks at his twin and it`s like they read each other's mind which seems rather plausible. As if they are just one person.

"Harry Potter" they both say at the same time.

"Do you have" I think Fred says can`t be too sure though.

"the scar" interrupts the other.

Tentatively I lift my unruly messy hair where my lightning bolt lies, just _one of my many scars_ I suppose.

"Wow" they both same again at the same time.

I bow my head bashfully as I stutter an odd goodbye and make my way towards the train taking the empty first compartment. At that same time, the train sets off immediately as I stare dazedly into the distance. Butterflies fill my stomach as it begins to churn and instinctively I know exactly what`s going to happen. I rush silently towards the toilet which I guess is left. I hope it is towards the left.

I really do not want to throw up on the train that is not a good way to arrive on your first day. I thank a god, I'm sure I don`t believe in as a toilet appears in view and it`s vacant. I lock the door checking it twice because I certainly don`t want anyone to witness this ,as I throw myself over the toilet. The violent vomiting echo's disturbingly throughout the air as I begin to dry heave, stomach acid filling the toilet as I hug it tightly, I`m hundred percent sure that bit of toast Petunia gave me this morning came up. Albeit it`s not exactly surprising with my small shrunken stomach and my anxiousness. Yet I wish I could just keep it down and not be reminded of my stupid fussy nervous digestive stomach. I rest my head on the toilet seat unbothered by the germs as I breath slowly. I flush the toilet cursing under my breath as I look at my appearance in the mirror. I am certainly not vain nor a narcissist. _Just a freak_. Yet my appearance is not how I would like to look on well my first day, especially when surrounded by strangers. My face is paler than usual and my hair hangs loosely over my glasses and under my eyes are faded black smudges. Carefully I take off my glasses resting them next to sink as I wash my face as if it will make a difference.

Almost as if I can just wash off my _pathetic freakiness_. It doesn`t work although I do look slightly better as I fill my mouth with water trying to rid the vomit breath which will be eminently unpleasant to the next person I talk too.

I unlock the door as I stare intently towards the ground and then it seems like my luck runs out as my body crashes into someone else's.

I land harshly with the floor as I look upwards meeting a pair of icy angry blue eyes and gelled blonde hair with oddly sharpened facial features for an eleven-year-old.

"S-sorry" I stutter, well that sounded pathetic as usual.

"Well if you weren`t paying attention to the floor maybe you`d see my face" the stranger replies as a smirk paints his face.

And it`s just then I realise I`m still on the floor and I have just landed on my arm which already hurt. So, there is now another bruise to add to the list. I drag my body of the carpeted floor as I rest my hand on the wall. The boy`s eyes watch me silently as if he`s trying to gain a judgement.

"Draco Malfoy, I suppose you know me" he says cockily. I look him up and down trying to supress a chuckle because he sounds so arrogant and aristocratic which he probably is. Yes, I just had to crash into him.

"Harry Potter" I answer and his eyes fill with surprise.

"You are Harry Potter" he replies his voice dripping in disbelief.

"Yes, thanks for your reassurance" I answer mockingly. He shakes his head and even though I don`t know him looks rather out of character for him ,as I turn around making my way back to my hopefully empty compartment.

Which personally just further proves my introverted personality. I settle back into the comfy seat my eyes re-focusing on the window as I try to forget what just happened. It was all going well until I boarded the train and then my body decided to vomit and crash promptly into someone.

And then it all dawns on me just how far behind in class I will be. I do not know the first thing about magic I have no experience in using a quill. Although I did hear Hagrid talk about Muggleborns but they have probably already researched Hogwarts. I really am going into the Wizarding World blind.

That just adds to my freakiness. And then I stumble onto the troubling thought. `Showering` which probably seems rather innocuous but my body is covered in welts, bruises and scars ,surely they`ll notice something and when I get changed or something I'm in for it. They`ll know. They cannot know because then I will be expelled and my hope will be thrown out of the window as I`ll be sent back to the Durlsey`s because they probably won`t believe me or worse believe I deserve it and then well I don`t want to know what they will do. I heard their threats and I know for sure that it will happen and what they said well it was the most honest thing that ever came out of their mouths I don`t doubt any of it.

So that obviously can`t happen. I guess I`ll just must be careful and not grow close to people because then I`ll be more vulnerable. Although it`s not like I must try hard at all. I doubt I`ll make any friends in the first place. I`m not sociable and I have no experience and I`m a freak.

It`s hardly a great resume. It doesn`t exactly scream friendship and good times and then just combine that with my trust issues. I don`t think I will have any trouble with that.

I glance downwards at my tattered old trainers as I rest my head on the window. My eyes shut nervously as I listen to the soft noise of the train. My body grows tired and weary as I fall asleep welcoming the familiar darkness once more.


	5. Unexpected

**Hello, thanks for still reading my story surprised I haven`t bored you guys yet. Anyway, this chapter is the long awaited sorting and just about Harry ( in general really. If there are any grammatical or spelling mistakes point them out they are not my strong point (sorry). I hope you are all enjoying the story so far, I will try and update weekly or twice a week but I have a stupid tendency to neglect stories because truthfully I read more fanfiction than I write. Alright, I`m quitting my rambling if you liked this chapter please leave a review on what you thought and follow or favourite or just read anonymously like most people do. I`m not sure if I`m particularly fond of this chapter , I hope it is not as bad as I think although if it was the bad I would have deleted it. The sorting is one of those hard scenes to write without making it seem extremely canon. Another thing this chapter has been removed and updated several times because it wasn`t working. So I apologise if it`s been confusing you.**  
 **Disclaimer- I do not own anything (obviously).**

 **Unexpected**

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I awoke around forty minutes later to my estimation when the train came to a haltingly stop. I look up hesitantly, as I had to remind myself that Vernon was not there. I don`t think I`m going to be able to get used to this, he was always sneaking up behind me, either that or he towered over me and because of my height well he looked more like a _monster and certainly acted like one, that`s for sure_.  
I shake of my cruel intrusive thoughts as I open the train compartment letting out a small sigh of relief when I realize my compartment is still empty, I am not a social butterfly. It isn`t good to get close to people, people _hurt_ you and _taunt_ you and _burn_ you for their own _sickening sadistic enjoyment_.  
Wow, perhaps I am a bitter soul although I have never been one for optimism it has always seemed so foreign and sceptic. Albeit now is probably not the right time to have a debate in my mind about spirituality , which of course then has me questioning my sanity, of course.  
Slowly I move from my hunched position and peer out of the doors cursing internally when I notice that the train has stopped at Hogwarts or well it has actually stopped at the rather long entrance to Hogwarts. I make my way out of the compartment looking around with instinctive paranoia because I really do not want to crash into anyone else, I have had enough for today. I step off the train as my eyes find the castle. My body fills with awe as I attempt to suppress my naivety there's no point in getting my hopes up they`ll find out who I am soon enough. I am interrupted from my deprecating thoughts from Hagrid`s instructions for the first years.  
Anxiously I walk over to the boats trying to extinguish my fear of water which sounds _extremely pathetic_. Yet the Dursley`s never taught me to swim ,so if I fall that`s it I am gone. Then that leads me on to the _painful_ memory of Petunia`s baths that I got when I was little and let me tell you this I have not had a single bath since. She filled the bath with _scalding_ hot water, so hot it blistered my skin and when she scrubbed she immersed my arms in blood and then there were her constant tutting and insults which just added to the burning atmosphere and even though it happened years ago it one of those memories I`ll never quite forget. A memory that will always stay with me no matter how much I try to erase it and I tried several times.  
I climb into a boat and more or less stumble in, I am a klutz after all got to live up to my name. My gaze meets with a red headed boy who looks a bit like the twins must be from the same family or something, I glance around the boat noticing two other boys in the corner , I stare upwards my gaze stuck to the castle.

The air is silent as awe and wonderment flutter hopelessly around, seemingly infecting the first years. The castle certainly is beautiful if anything this all seems too beautiful, too whimsical to be true as if I'm going to wake up back in my cupboard to an average non-magical world where I`m just _Harry the freak_. I have too many trust issues to ever be classified as normal not that I would be anyway I guess, that`s not going to happen anytime soon.  
Everyone wants to be extraordinary something unique and different. I just want to be normal and have a family that isn`t dead or well the Dursley`s well this just took a depressing twisted turn , since when did it get all woe is me. It just so happens that my pessimist rambling thoughts have distracted me, from well the water as we grow closer and closer to Hogwarts. And the excitement practically rolls of everyone. So why am I filled with consternation, I`m out of the Dursley`s albeit I`m now thrown into a world I have no idea no research about which is terrifying and _what if the wizarding world is worse_?

Yes, I could guess you could say I am definitely feeling anxious it`s more than just butterflies if I`m honest it feels as if my whole stomach is weighed down by bricks even though I threw up what I ate, which was so pleasant might I mention.  
Finally, the boats stop as we pull up to Hogwarts and all the first years clamber off. Hagrid easily takes lead and you would never lose him in a crowd, probably because he`s a giant but still you wouldn't get lost. We reach the swirling historical staircases of Hogwarts which are unlike anything I`ve ever seen. Then we make it to the Great Hall and well personally I think great is a bit of an understatement I mean from the girl behind me she said the ceiling was enchanted to look like the sky. I really do need to start reading the books.  
Anxiously I look around my gaze lingering slightly on the students in front of me. Who look dazed yet they cope. Which sounds like a strange sentiment that doesn`t make much sense but it doesn`t really surprise them as if this magic is all natural and that sounded way too much like Vernon and why am I still thinking about the Dursley`s. It`s not as if I miss them because I am not that insane there is no love lost between us that has been made way too clear several times. Too many times to count if I`m honest.  
I scratch my wrist absently, as I attempt to distract myself from the stares that prickle my skin, making me feel very uncomfortable. And my bad luck begins to climb as my head begins to ache and pound. The swarm of students has suddenly stopped and now we are clustered together at the front with the rest of the school watching on , which really settles my nerves as you can imagine. Then a hat appears on a polished wooden stool, the hat is a rather dusty crumpled old thing, must be historic or something as it is definitely important that much is obvious. Does a hat really decide our fate? I must be doomed.  
Then the hat begins to sing and yes I feel as if I have to repeat that internally a hat, a singing hat. I feel as if right now the most sensible thing to do would be to pinch myself and rather hard because this just keeps getting more confusing and yet everyone dusts it off their shoulders as if this is the most normal thing and you see it every day. Although they probably do, they were brought up in this world I wasn`t .  
Although the hat actually sings logically and metaphorically about the houses which are nice to know about because I really had no clue but then it leaves me with the gnawing question, what if I don`t belong to a house? I am not brave nor cunning and I haven`t been to school so I can`t be smart I`m just luckily that I`m not illiterate and they at least gave me some books but because then it would be much more harder to keep it secret I suppose and there is also my eye site problem which is just fine and dandy and I need to lay off the sarcasm here I`m worried I`m laying it on a little thick. And then again I am most definitely not loyal my trust issues are abnormally large although probably not as large and terrifying as Vernon, is anything really as large as Vernon?  
Then the hat stops singing as it comes to a pause. The silence grows consuming me little by little as it is harshly interrupted by a rough nasal voice of hat, as it begins to yell out names alphabetically, of course, it has to be organized and that comment sounded like Petunia although she has ingrained her cleaning habits in me. Which I don`t think I actually hate her for.  
A small girl yet taller than me walks towards the stool placing the hat on her head. Since today I have never quite realized how small I am, pretty much everyone is taller than me.  
I gaze at her my eyes laced with a clouded confusion as what is the hat meant to do. A few seconds later the hat yells out Hufflepuff and the girl's eyes light up instantly, her mouth curling into a soft smile. The hat then calls out more names sometimes taking longer and other times taking a much shorter time. Then the sorting hat calls out Draco Malfoy and inside I really want to kick myself as this is the guy I clumsily crashed into on the train, he walks up almost smugly as if he believes he has an air of importance surrounding him. He sits down on the stool stiffly and the hat doesn`t even have to be placed on his head as it yells out clearly Slytherin and no one looks surprised, it was expected of him I guess. I mean the hat didn`t even have to read his thoughts to know.  
Then the moment I really was not looking forward to happens. My lovely nervous thoughts are pierced by my name being called and all I can think of is why couldn't my last name be a little bit further down the alphabet but no.  
I walk slowly as I feel the stares stick to my body, I reach the stool finally my body sits bashfully as the hat is placed on my head swooping over my eyes making me feel even smaller. I shut my eyes nervously waiting for well the hat to make its decision.  
" **Hmm very interesting** " a small clear voice speaks in my head as it pauses " _where ever to put you. Definitely not Hufflepuff. Perhaps Ravenclaw you have plenty of knowledge_ " I laugh deprecatingly quietly under my breath, as I shake my head. " **No, not Ravenclaw then, although you do have the intelligence and the certain tendency to drift towards books. Lots of courage but you are not the boldest of people, in fact, you 're rather meek. Slytherin would be an excellent choice, you have the ambition and you could make true friends** " the voice ponders on this. " **Any preferences** ," the hat asks. I shake my head once more... " ** _Slytherin_** " the hat yells out loudly as it removes itself and I can see again. I jump off the stool, cursing at my height as I walk slowly towards the Slytherin table, well I sure hope it is the Slytherin table, it would be eminently awkward to mistakenly sit at Hufflepuff a shiver creeps up my spine as I shake off the frightful thought.  
Shyly I look upwards as many surprised and bewildered looks are shot my way as I feel a blush pigment my cheeks at the sheer uncomfortableness. It seems Slytherin was unexpected for me, although I think Hagrid did mention that my parents were Gryffindor's but I have no memory of them so how could I share their bravery?. Apprehensively I reach the table and sit towards the end in the very first seat that is open, my eyes automatically gaze downwards as an odd guilt stirs inside my mind.  
This is their first impression of me and I was trying not to draw attention to myself. It seems my luck just gets worse and worse although I know for a fact I would not fit in Gryffindor, I would be a complete outsider. Although who`s to say I`ll fit in Slytherin. _Who`s to say I will fit in anywhere._


	6. Startled

**Hello, thanks for the reviews it`s nice to know someone reads and what you all think of the story so far, I have changed the correction (I need to proofread more than twice). Thanks for the follows which are getting really high and the favourites it all means a lot.**

 **Anyway we are now on my fifth chapter which will be the Slytherin`s reaction to Harry`s sorting and maybe Harry making some new friends and Professor Snape will be shocked as per usual so expect *snarls*, *sneers* and *smirks* this is not going to be a cliché Harry abused Slytherin story, well I hope not anyway. It also is not canon so whatever happens in the book might not happen in my fanfiction. I`m rambling so I`m going to stop this author's note, review favourite or follow whatever suits you or just read. Also, this is not Dark Harry, Harry is way too cute and well nice to be evil (I mean c`mon).**

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 **Realisation's**

Anxiously I stare intently at the long wooden table as my mind fills with too much consternation to be deemed well sane and then there are the same old worries and the recurring thought how did I get sorted in the first place because I thought for sure I was going back to the Dursley's, that`s what I prepared for. And there`s that other annoying impertinent voice that reminds me not to get close to people, although I doubt I will get the chance it`s as if there`s a giant metal sign saying stay away or at least that's what my body language reads, another reason I`m not in Gryffindor. Maybe I should write a list.  
"Potter" a rough voice speaks, dragging me out of my distracting jittery mind.  
A hand then reaches out and pats my shoulder, I flinch instinctively as I attempt to shake it off without looking like a _freak._ I stare blankly in a daze as my eyes find themselves glancing upwards as two confused unknown faces come into view.  
"Well he`s certainly a daydreamer" said well the one who tapped my shoulder and made me awkwardly flinch, what a great way to meet someone. I really do know how to make a first impression.  
"Yes, and he is also here" I reply sardonically my mouth curling into a curt smile.  
Somehow this seems to settle them as they relax, well only slightly.  
"Blaise Zabini" he introduces himself.  
"Theodore Nott" the quieter boy speaks up.  
I nod in response as I glance around the hall and it just then comes to my attention that everyone has been sorted. I really need to get out of my head, if that`s possible at all.

"Who`s that?" I question tentatively as I point to a slightly greasy black haired man with a stern face and a hooked pointed nose ,that seems to look down on you if that`s possible at all.

"Oh, that`s Professor Snape he`s head of the house and trust me when I say you want to stay on the right side of him" Blaise answers as he shakes his head slightly. internally I make a note in my head to avoid the Head of Slytherin, I would much rather not meet his wrath.  
Then something extremely abnormal happens and this is coming from me the _abnormal freak_ , food out of nowhere might I just add, appears magically I mean this is the Wizarding world on all the house tables. Plates upon plates and I didn`t even know this much food existed. Defensively I search the hall watching people's reactions to the meal and it all seems so natural. They don`t seem shocked. They don`t seem scared. They all look happy and just then it hits me and thankfully for once, it is not literally just figuratively, how different my upbringing is. To all of them.

 _That being fearful of adults isn`t normal._

 _That going days on end without food isn`t normal._

 _That being locked in a cupboard isn`t normal._

 _That not being allowed to go to school isn`t normal._

 _That fearing for your life isn`t normal._

And oddly it doesn`t comfort me. I certainly don`t wish my childhood on anyone, no that is not what I am implying. It just leaves me feeling more detached and abnormal than usual. I sigh noiselessly as I attempt to shake off my depressing torturous mind as I see that everyone has already filled their plates and are happily eating and conversing with each other, probably making new friends. And here I am _forever the outsider. Forever the freak_. Slowly I grasp the spoon of whatever food is nearest to me and spoon a meager amount on my plate that probably appears to be a small amount but it`s much more than I get at the Dursley`s. _Much more_.  
Bashfully I pick up my knife and fork and remember my manners. I am not in my cupboard I remind myself for what seems to be the hundred time and I do not want to go down Dudley and Vernon`s way of table manners because they were another to turn anyone`s stomach. Slowly I raise my fork full of some odd dish I don`t really know the name off as it reaches my mouth.  
I carry on savoring every bite until I finish about half of my plate as my stomach feels oddly full.  
A feeling I can`t remember experiencing well ever if I`m honest. I place my cutlery down on my plate respectfully. As I look back down the table of unknown people and my eyes are mysteriously drawn to Draco`s. His smug arrogant expression paints his face and his posture which sounds like a funny thing to notice but it`s stiff and upright as if he has to remain presentable at all times which he probably does.  
As if he notices my staring his piercing icy eyes lock with mine and I shyly look elsewhere.  
I resume to staring at my half eaten food for about around ten minutes until the feast seems to have ended and house by house the hall filters the students out.  
A prefect enters and begins guiding us to our dormitories as he rambles on about how Slytherin`s are to behave and what is expected of us and what to do and what not to do. I listen trying to make a note of each and every little thing because I do not want to draw any more unnecessary attention to myself, I`ve got enough of that already. _Attention is never good._  
The prefect leads us down a seemingly never ending corridor towards the dungeons which are obviously cold and dark and well plain eerie. He pauses slightly as he stops at a talking portrait and I get the sudden urge to pinch myself once more. This magic just keeps growing more and more whimsical. The portrait then begins to swing open revealing what the prefect said is the common room.  
The group of Slytherin`s me included follow the prefect through the common room as we stop half way through.  
I peer upwards standing on the balls of my feet because of my god awful shortness to see why we have suddenly stopped. Only for my eyes to meet the pale figure of Professor Snape the head of house for Slytherin as my stomach drops slightly.  
"As you all know you have all been sorted into Slytherin" he pauses as his eyes scan the cluster of Slytherin`s his eyes burning on mine, unfortunately. " I am the head of Slytherin, Professor Snape which I suspect you already know" his eyes narrow slightly as he carries on. I squirm slightly under his stare "Slytherin stick together due to the prejudice Hogwarts has against us and if I see anyone disregard this rule you will be spending plenty of time in detention with me. The curfew is ten and you better not be out after that and I will be doing weekly inspections of dormitories so do not think of slacking. Homework not being completed is not tolerated so if you need any extra help ask the prefects. Boys dormitories upstairs to the left and girls to the right, any questions?" he drawls out.  
Once more his brown almost obsidian eyes find me as he looks me up and down a sneer filling his face. "Ah Potter. Seems I have the misfortune of having you in my house, quite the surprise" he smirks as snickers fill the air. A dread settles into my stomach as I stare towards the floor, I always seem to be staring downwards these days. He carries on with his lecture and information until he instructs us to unpack immediately. Wearily I follow the crowd of boys past the ostentatious silver and green common room as we climb the swirling stairs to a room bigger than the house I grew up in never mind my cupboard, anything seems to be bigger than my cupboard.  
I pick the bed furthest away from the door probably due to paranoia as I open the trunk. Carefully I hang up each robe still in shock that I own clothes that aren`t hand me downs, that are mine for once. It only seems to take a few minutes to unpack, probably because I don't have many possessions I glance around cautiously as I realize they are all still unpacking .

Hesitantly I pick up some of Dudley`s best hand me downs that I can use as pyjamas and head towards the showers. I walk briskly as I luckily find the showers checking both ways and the exits, I strip. Leaving the clothes on the floor I step into the secluded stall as the hot stream of water burns my aching skin. I inspect my body, my stomach turning at the layered scars on chest and how each and every one of my ribs juts out like knives , too easy to count. Reluctantly I run my hand down my back as I feel the bile rise in my throat hastily I throw the towel around my body as I huddle over the toilet throwing up for the second time today. Drowsily I flush the toilet removing the towel as I step back in the shower my eyes shut in defeat and _disgust_ as I wash my hair and my body. The scalding water brushes past my scars leaving me hissing in pain as I turn the shower off giving up. I dry myself off thoroughly as I dress in the pyjamas thankful that these hand me downs are actually alright they aren`t tattered and they aren`t too big. I wash my mouth out as I brush my teeth removing the bitter taste from my mouth as I collect my robes in my arms walking back towards the dormitories, internally praying that they leave me alone.  
I enter the dormitory making my way to my trunk as I fold my robes meticulously. I place them inside as I curiously look around seeing the Slytherin`s in a conversation that seems to be interesting a few eyes look over my way as I slide into bed. I lie on my back as my head rests in the pillows and it feels surreal to be lying on a bed with a quilt and new pillows and a mattress, it`s a world away from my makeshift bed in the cupboard stained with blood. I shut my eyes as I give into sleep and unknown to me I cast a silencing charm on myself as my body lays limp.


	7. Interrupted

**Hello, sorry if this update was a little late I have been a little bit busy, I will try my hardest to update more than once a week. Anyway, thanks for the reviews, follows (insane thank you),favourites and in response to the last review, I completely understand everyone does indeed have a breaking point, including Harry which we will explore later on although there won`t be any destruction to anyone but Harry (sorry),thank you for the review. So this chapter is Harry`s first day at Hogwarts and will show other people's response to Harry`s strange little habits, mainly Draco`s reactions to Harry and the start of their friendship. I hope you enjoy the chapter and if you do leave a review, favourite or a follow ( don`t leave me in the silence). On with the story...**  
 ** Interrupted**

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I wake up to find my face almost smothered in the soft silky pillow to keep me from screaming aloud. My forehead drips lightly with sweat and my limbs shake slightly as I rest my head loosely on the wooden headboard. I look up cautiously my eyes wide with an unblinking, still, paranoia and I`m met with a dark long dormitory filled with the sounds of snores and peaceful sleep and I`m just the _exception_ , as always. The anxiousness soon fades as I realise I`m not there in my dusty cupboard and Vernon he hasn`t heard my screams and neither have the dorm, either I did not scream or they are just unnaturally heavy sleepers ,lucky them. Of course, I`m not a heavy sleeper light if anything, sleep leaves you _vulnerable_ and _defenceless_.  
Slowly I pull myself out of the bed and it`s not as if it is a hard job if I`m honest a little too easy. The bed comfortable as it may be is _tainted_ with bad dreams and it seems pathetic but it`s just a reminder of my troubled sleep and too many other things that I don`t really want to think about.  
My feet graze the soft carpet as I stand upwards my body swaying as I continue to shiver, as an odd magical clock gleams brightly in the disturbed darkness. I squint my eyes narrowing slightly but it doesn`t change, just a blur. I sigh silently all too aware of the other sleeping bodies, as my hands grasp my glasses and it just strengths the idea I must be stupid, I mean it`s all Vernon seems to go on about and how I should be more like precious Dudley which I am more than happy not to follow, I would like to be as different as Dudley as possible. I`m not entirely sure how I could even forget that I wear glasses? I have worn them for about well a long time. Not that they really help much but then again they weren`t exactly prescribed just found in an old charity bin that Petunia found and the glasses have been stuck too many times with sell tape and they are a little worn. I place them on my nose, as the world begins to shifts slightly into focus yet still blurry, although I`m _used_ to it.  
4:47 am. Great just bloody amazing, what am I meant to do for about three to two hours in the dark. It`s not as if I can just go back to sleep the idea itself is laughable. And just then something catches my eye, my books. I can research more on Hogwarts and I won`t be as behind, right? Carefully my hands clasp the books and I walk quietly across the room, the door has been slightly opened as I slide my body through the narrow gap my hands still clutching my books as tightly as possible , I really do not need them to clatter against the ground , nope that would be very embarrassing and another great impression on my dorm mates who I will share a room with for about the next seven years.  
I do not need to wake anyone up I repeat to myself, I will not be a burden in this world too. I walk down the twirled staircase that seems a little too extravagant as my feet make no noise. I have had plenty of experience of sneaking around in the night and not in a mischievous way. No, in the kind of way where I couldn`t sleep because of _hunger pains_ and it was my third day without _food_ , so I had sneak food. I didn`t have a _choice_.  
I reach the bottom of the stairs and follow the distant light that pigments the common room from afar. My eyes are drawn to a green curved sofa that fits with the substantial amount of green in the room. I check the common room as if someone is just going to jump out at me and I`m a little too skittish for that might I add.  
I place the books in my lap. As I open the book nearest to me which I think is a history of Hogwarts, my eyes skim lightly through the words as I hope silently that something in this book will make me feel less like an outsider than I already am.  
Yet it doesn`t quite work, not the way I want it to, sure I know certain histories of Hogwarts and more about the magical world than I did to start with but one or two hours of research isn`t ten or eleven years growing up in the magical world. And all it really does is show how different I am. Not in a conceited way but in an _abnormal_ way, that no one truly understands.  
I stare blankly at the book my eyes no longer following the pages just trapped in my thoughts.  
"Potter" a familiar voice muses. pulling me out of empty daydream like state.  
I jump slightly as my eyes tear away from the historical pages and instead they lock with a pair of sharp icy blue eyes that are way too piercing.  
And Draco just had to see me in the midst of one of my daydreams, I have the best of luck.  
"I wasn`t aware we had a Ravenclaw in Slytherin, although you weren`t exactly reading the pages" he states in response.  
I close the book silently as I look downwards breaking the intense eye contact and instead I find myself staring at my trembling telling hands.  
"Are you okay?" he asks his voice devoid of all malice.  
I raise my head , as my nails sharply dig into my _shaking_ hands trying to regain some kind of _twisted control_.  
"Fine" I answer.  
"And he answers, it isn`t much fun to have a one-sided conversation you know," Draco comments softly.  
I chuckle under my breath as a small smile paints his sharpened face.  
"Nice to meet you" I reply almost sardonically.  
"We already met Potter" he states once more.  
"Yes, but I was a mess" I note.  
"That you were but you are also a mess right now" he answers a smirk appearing on his face.  
"I`m not a mess" I mumble softly.  
"Oh really. Well look at the evidence, your hands are shaking, you have black smudges under your eyes, your face is too pale, I caught you having a staring match with a book. I can go on but I think you see the point" he observes a smug look filling his face.  
"You aren`t a sugar coater" I whisper.  
"A what? is that a muggle saying?" he inquires.  
I laugh once more shaking my head as he continues to gaze at me in confusion, he probably thinks I have lost my sanity.  
"Well it`s breakfast and I am not going to miss it. You joining me potter?" he asks.  
"Alright" I reply as I leave my books on the table and I blatantly ignore the fact that I`m not hungry and I still feel nauseous, as I remove myself from the almost too comfortable sofa.  
I follow him as he almost struts his way to the great hall.  
He even walks with grace whereas I walk like a clumsy person. It`s like putting opposite people right next to each other and just stepping back and seeing the differences.  
We reach the Hall as he walks towards the half empty Slytherin table and sits on the long chestnut bench.  
I stand awkwardly as he points to a seat opposite him.  
Bashfully I sit down as I bow my head slightly and gaze at the assortment of breakfast food that decorates the table.  
I groan quietly, not at the thought of eating but my _stupid intolerant stomach_ which likes to decline food and _heave_ it up later, which is just so pleasurable.  
Although I will look weird if I don`t eat and I really don`t need to be anymore of a _freak_ than I already am.  
A sharp click and a sway of a calloused hand shake my intrusive thoughts away.  
"Your head is in the skies once more" Draco observes as he begins to eat, gracefully of course I mean can you imagine him eating sloppily, although it would be kind of funny.  
I pour myself a cup of water as I steer away from the sweetness of juice and grab a piece of dry toast.  
I finish my toast as my stomach is immediately filled, I drain the glass of water as Draco gives me an odd look as he inspects me.  
"You should eat more" he suggests as he looks at my empty plate.  
"It`s only breakfast" I reply. It isn`t just a matter of eating, not anymore. Anyway, a piece of toast is more than I used to eat, it doesn`t really matter all that much. Not really.  
He shakes his head as he continues to eat.  
"Are you done?" I ask a few minutes later when he seems to have finished.  
"Yes, you know Potter you are different to what I thought you would be" he replies his eyes focused on my face.  
"And what did you imagine. Wait don`t answer that" I respond my voice stuttering slightly.  
He laughs to himself once more as if I only seem to prove his point. I`m not entirely sure if that`s a good thing or a bad thing.  
He passes a sheet of paper over to me and in bold black curled ink the document reads: **schedule**.  
I read the copperplate font as it states the lessons I have.  
First thing is apparently Transfiguration and that is with the Ravenclaws. After that is Potions and that is with Gryffindor and you probably get the point.  
"Do you know where any of these Classes are?" I question.  
" I have a faint idea, After you" he points forwards as we walk away from the Great Hall. And we begin to walk down the swirling infinite corridors and I think we are lost but Draco carries on like a weird kind of GPS. I have never had much faith in GPS they always take you down the wrong path.  
"Are you sleeping again?" he asks.  
"What?" I reply my eyes clouded with confusion.  
"You are daydreaming once more" he comments his eyes finding mine as he looks at me with concern.  
I shake off his concern as an odd unusual feeling fills my body and I carry on walking until we come face to face with a huge gnarled arched door. It swings open as we walk inside and sit in the distant wooden benches. Anxiety flows through my body like a storm. What if I can`t do magic? Oh god, what if I`m terrible. They all expect so much, after all, if the boy-who-lived can`t perform a spell _he is a fraud, he is a freak and he most certainly doesn`t fit in_ taunts an unfamiliar voice.  
Nervously I glance around at all the students and they all seem strangely content if anything. The doors billow open as a cat streams in and perches on the desk. Suddenly the anxiety is gone , now replaced with a heavy sense of confusion and I`m not sure which is better if I`m honest. And then if I thought that the magic world could get any more whimsical, something extremely odd happens.  
The cat who looks ordinary at push changes into a high-strung stern woman with grey hair tied neatly into a too perfect bun. I pinch myself rather harshly. As Draco gazes at my face and starts to laugh but I don`t comment on it because my attention is already fixated on the feline woman.  
"That was Transfiguration" she states as all eyes flock to her.  
A hand pokes up in the air.  
"So we are going to learn to be cats," asks a brown-haired Hufflepuff. The whole class begins to laugh until pierced by a stern cough that almost echoes through the large room.  
"No we are not going to turn into cats, especially not in the first year" she pauses as she continues "Now today you are going to learn to transfigure this match into a needle" she declares. And then returns back to her cat-state if that's the right word for it although I`m not too sure if there is any description for it.  
A match appears on the desk as wands arise in the air. I stare conflicted at the match as I gaze around the room. Not many seem that lucky if I`m honest, they all seem to have the same reaction or the same attempt.  
About forty or so minutes later after failed attempts and not much success the class is dismissed.  
As the students disappear from the doors to the next class of the day which for me is potions and I already know who the professor is. So I can`t say I`m really looking forward to it. The Slytherins walk forwards ,all grouped together as we enter the dungeons and then we all seem to walk through the heavy overlooking black door into a stoned silent room that feels eerie, too _eerie_.  
Great foreboding jars full of things I don`t want to see or ever really want to see line the shelves. Hesitantly I sit next to Draco at the back of the classroom where all the Slytherins seem to sit for a reason unshared.  
We wait on for what I could probably guess but that certainly doesn`t stop my pondering mind. I think way too much and thinking people say is a dangerous activity.  
 _I think I learned that lesson_.


	8. Panic

**Hello and, I seriously need to apologise about only updating once a week, I keep meaning to do it more than once and then I am always busy or just reading. Thank you for the reviews the follows and the favourites. In response to the review from guest, I completely understand my chapters are way too small ,which I will try and make longer, although I feel if my chapters are longer they will just be boring long rambles but I will make them longer and we will see how it goes. And you mentioned my lack of paragraphs which I would like to apologise for, on my computer I assure you I do break them up or that`s how they seem. I will make them clearer and try and update the chapters that need it also thank you for your review and the other two reviews they make my day so thanks. Alright, so this chapter will also be about Harry`s first day and how the lessons go, I do hope I`m not boring you. Also, I am aware that Harry may be slightly out of character but I am just writing a version where he doesn`t know about the prejudice towards Slytherin which is why he doesn`t disapprove of being in that house and there's also the abuse and his shyness which adds to it but at the end of the day it`s all fiction. Another point is that this story will contain protective Draco so beware of that, although he won`t know of the true situation until much later. Right, I`m ending this extremely long ramble. Enjoy the chapter ,review if you like it and continue to follow or favourite or read, thank you all.**

 **Panic**

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We didn`t have to wait long. No more than two minutes the professor strode in, as his black robes billowed around him making him seem intimating but they weren`t really needed I mean just look at his face it practically yells intimating. And then there was the speech where he told us just how great and useful potions was and how we could stop death and brew fame and then he just continued to insult us in a very Slytherin way.

His eyes sweep around the classroom as he sneers at the Gryffindor's and his gaze finds mine and he snarls slightly as if it disgusts him to make eye contact with me , well that is something he has in common with Vernon and if it was a cartoon his ears would have steam coming out of them. And he has that kind of glare that just burns, luckily, he carried on with his staring elsewhere and stopped glaring at me.

After about ten minutes we were instructed to make a potion on how to cure boils and thankfully Draco was my partner because I don`t have much of clue how it works although if it`s like cooking I should be alright. I mean I`ve been cooking since I was four so hopefully I should be fine. Although Draco has that look on his face which just seems to radiate smugness and confidence.

"Right, you get the dried nettles and be quick will you Potter" Draco instructs as he points at some store cupboard at the far side of the room hidden by a stone wall. I nod my head, not even bothering to ask what he`s doing. There is a difference between us other than well our _extremely_ different upbringings but Draco has experience in potions as I do not, so that`s why I am letting him well direct this potion. I do not need any more of Professor Snape's wrath although I doubt he can be worse than Vernon. _Can anyone?  
_  
I soon find the dried nettles in this big storage cupboard which puts my cupboard to shame. I mean there is quite a difference minus the height difference and the huge amount of ingredients. The storage cupboard is bright and has ladders and most importantly it has _no lock_. Mine is _dark_ and _small_ , and it has about _five locks_ on and there are _no ingredients_ just cleaning products and _me and a few ratty blankets and some broken toy soldiers_. Yet I still feel _uncomfortable_ , I still feel _claustrophobic_ and it hits just a little _too close to reality_. I quickly rush out of the storage cupboard, my hand still tightly grips the vial and my other hand is clenched so hard, it`s white and I feel my nails drawing blood and all I feel is _panic ;pure panic_ like I can`t really breathe and my airway feels like it is constricted.

And I`m trying to listen to the voice that yells to snap out of it. They don`t need to find out, wait correct that they are not going to find out. If my hands weren`t strangling a vial and well clenched super tightly, I would slap myself in the face. I am not going to embarrass myself in front of my house and Gryffindor. Then that little voice just decides to chip in that they _are all Dudley`s gang and they will taunt any weakness because that`s all you are a freak_. I agree because that`s all I am just a _freak_ , it makes sense. And all these people if they knew, there are two possible outcomes. The first outcome pity and people feeling sorry for and coddling you but they don`t really want you they just want to do some charity in the world and once they`ve redeemed themselves from whatever debts they had they`ll throw you away. And they will leave with nothing and just the reminder that once someone cared for you. The other outcome is worse, far worse and the first one isn`t desirable to start with. The second outcome is encouragement that I come clean and they say I deserve it, that I don`t have the right to complain. They`ll do nothing and toss me aside and spread my freakiness and say I`m just an attention seeker.

You want to know how I know. _Really?_ I told once. Yes, young _naïve_ six-year-old Harry believed someone would help. They didn`t of course, no one did. Little Whinging was ordinary and they all believed the Dursley's, that they were kind people and as normal as they could come. And Vernon he has friends in all places and I was declared as an _attention seeker_ and _a freak_. So, I kept my mouth shut because people don`t care that`s just a pretence and even if they did ,they don`t care about freaks. Vernon wasn't happy when I opened my mouth and that is an understatement and a huge one at that. It was one of the worst beatings I ever had, that was the first time he introduced me to the belt buckle. It hurt like hell but the words that came out of his mouth hurt more than the buckle and I believed every single one of them, _still do_... Then he threw me in the cupboard for a week with no meals and I was only let out once every day to use the toilet. So maybe now it`s more understandable why I keep it quiet ,it`s not hurting anyone.

"Harry," a soft familiar voice says worriedly. A small tapping follows on my shoulder, I squirm slightly. I shake my head as I repeat to myself like I seem to do constantly since I have got to Hogwarts that I`m not at the Dursley's, that I`m not in the cupboard.

"Huh" I mumble under my breath. As I attempt to tilt my head forwards although it probably looks lopsided as I try to rid myself of memories that need to stay _trapped_.

"Harry, you are seriously worrying me. I sent you to get potions ingredients ten minutes ago and you were just doing your daydream thing once more except you looked a bit more lost than usual and that`s saying something. Are you alright? You look sick? Do you need to go to the infirmary?" Draco questions as his eyes lock with mine and his piercing blue eyes are filled with concern. A foreign emotion directed at me you could say. Luckily it snaps me out of it. I mean there is no way in hell I am going to the infirmary, no definitely not happening.

"Sorry. I didn`t mean to. I`m fine" I reply my voice stumbling over itself as it always does when I`m nervous.

"Yes, I am sure you are. You look perfectly fine. Anyway, we will carry on with that potion and if you don`t look any better at the end of the day I am dragging you to the infirmary Potter you hear me" he states his voice steady and graceful but once more it`s Draco we are talking about.

"Okay," I mutter. I groan internally could I sound anymore meek. Another reason I am not a Gryffindor perhaps I should take up on that list idea. I follow Draco back to the desk as my hands start to shake, I really am _pathetic_. Maybe I should change my name. Although I don`t think that would go down well with the wizarding world. The Dursley's would approve ,although they have a hatred of the name Potter and they also have a hatred of the word magic and I can`t forget they also have a huge hatred of me. If I wasn`t scared of Vernon I`d say it more often but I`m not stupid. At least I hope not.

I sit down at the wooden desk as Draco begins to chop the dried nettles and occasionally his eyes land on me as if I am also a part of this `experiment`. After he delicately chops the nettles he then instructs me to weigh them. Which I then do, although magical scales are a lot different to ordinary scales but to be honest I have never truly used scales. You are not going to find scales at the Dursley's ,god Vernon would break the scales and then Petunia would be like oh I'm sure these must be faulty and then they`d want to sue the company. That would be quite funny.

I quickly weigh the nettles and discard the ones that aren`t going to be used for the potions as I hand them over to Draco who is crushing snake fangs meticulously. After that, I think Draco started stewing horned slugs and then we were interrupted by Longbottom's potion disaster. Soon after that the class was dismissed ,of course Snape had to ridicule him first in front of the class for his abominable skills, if I remember that was the direct quote from his mouth And that was the end of my first anxiety filled potions lesson, it could have been worse, right? No, it probably couldn`t I`m just trying to reassure my anxiety-ridden mind.

Soon after that, it was lunch. Which I already predicted in the early hours of the morning was going to be awkward, you don`t have to be a physic to work that out or one of those seer things they mention in that book I read. The great hall was a lot busier than breakfast although people ate faster and there was more of a rush to eat than at breakfast. I sat beside Draco and I grabbed whatever was closest to me. It looked safe it was some kind of sandwich, although I still haven`t got my appetite back. And that panic thing I had in potions doesn`t help. If I eat slower maybe It won`t come back up tonight well at least I hope not. Yesterday was far from fun well at least not for my stomach. Although my toast stayed down but can you really go wrong with water and dry toast, I don`t think so anyway. Slowly I raise the sandwich to my mouth as I nibble at it slyly. You can tell by looking around at the Slytherin table that they take great care in manners and those kinds of things. I don`t want to be a disgrace, I`m not at the Dursley`s _I don`t need to steal food and eat it hurriedly in my cupboard_. I have time here which is hard to grow accustomed to and if no one is picking off my plate like Dudley used to do I am fine. Well, at least I hope so anyway.

I eat around half of the sandwich until my stomach threatens me with nausea. I place it carefully down on my plate as I search for something to wash it down with. Well, the water isn't there just some odd juice that looks too pigmented to be orange juice. Hesitantly I pour a glass and unaware of how weird I look I sniff the juice, just in case it`s poisoned. It gets worse. Draco decides to make conversation then. And then he starts to laugh, like a real big laugh the one where you get tears in your eyes, yes that one.

"What," I ask.

"You sniffed it" he chuckles again.

"Well, I didn`t know what it was. What if it is poisoned?" I respond my voice serious and steadier than normal.

And then he mumbles something that sounds like good one.

I find myself growing even more confused.

"It`s pumpkin juice" he explains.

"You can juice a pumpkin" I say in awe.

He looks at me and then mumbles something else as he continues laughing with himself. Carefully I raise the glass to my mouth as I drink the juiced pumpkin drink. It doesn`t taste like what I expected, it`s sweet like nothing I have ever tried although I don`t eat many sweets so I`m probably not the best person to ask. It`s like it is laced with sugar but it`s good, I`m annoyed that I went eleven years without trying this.

"Wow" I exclaim as I look at the drink in wonderment.

Draco continues with his staring and the laughing thing.

"You act like an excited muggle born" Draco comments as he begins to eat whatever is on his plate as graceful and elegant as a Malfoy would.

"Raised by muggles" I answer and my tone takes a kind of flat tone. As I try my hardest to push the Dursley`s out of my mind, we are not landing on that conversation not today and not ever.

"Must have been different" he replies.

"You can say that" I mutter more to myself than him if I`m honest.

"You look better than earlier" he observes.

"I`m not sure if I should thank you or not" I reply.

"Well at least I don`t need to drag you to the infirmary" he responds.

And then by a sudden beautiful occurrence, the awkward conversation is ended as it comes to our attention that we have lessons in like five minutes unless we want detention or house points taken off. I do not want to be the one who lets Slytherin down on the first day, it`s a way to get your housemates hatred and Snape`s, although I think I already have that. So, no need to worry about that.

Draco quickly but still refined as ever finishes his lunch and we then walk to our next class which I am about fifty percent sure is charms. It seems I am pretty good at predicting, as five minutes later we are in the Charms classroom. Which goes on for quite a bit but so far it actually makes more sense than the rest of the subjects we have had, so I pick it up easily than I did in transfiguration. And soon after Professor Flitwick's instruction of how to make the feather float in the air. I say the Latin enchantment and my feather rises quite high and I blush like the bumbling klutz I am as my hands press down on the feather so no one sees. Luckily Draco is talking to Pansy and he hasn`t spotted anything and Flitwick is elsewhere so I'm safe.

I need to be average, being smart only draws attention to yourself, right? And then people use you like the Dursley's used me. To do Dudley`s homework and then demand I underperform in my homework because they didn`t want any attention on me. And no one is using me again so I will keep it quiet anyway it`s just a feather rising upwards just because I did it first doesn't mean I`m intelligent.

Although unfortunately, I wasn`t safe as I thought, the Gryffindor next me, well the one who always has her hand up in class, noticed. I curse inwardly to myself. She gives me an odd look the kind you get when people don`t quite understand what you`re doing, that kind of look.

"Why?" she inquires.

"I`m sorry what," I ask as I try to ignore my stupid anxious pounding heart.

"Why are you trying to hide it" she answers and her eyes are pointedly on mine like I`m a hard maths equations she is trying to figure out. Although I probably need to forget that analogy, wizards that aren`t muggle born or raised by them won`t understand that.

"Oh, well Erm. It`s nothing special" I mutter as I stare at the wand in my hand, as I attempt to blatantly avoid her eyes. Making eye contact with people's eyes feels too honest, too sincere like they can see who you are. I have made more eye contact this week than I have my whole life and I`m pretty sure that isn't an overstatement.

"Well you must be smart to raise your feather that high on the first time, you just lack confidence" she replies her voice full of the confidence that I apparently lack, maybe she stole it from me.

"Thanks, I guess" I reply meekly as ever.

"Hermione Granger" she introduces herself.

"Harry Potter" I respond.

"Oh, I`ve read about you" Hermione admits as I raise my head slightly to continue to do that dreaded eye contact that conversations always seem to initiate.

"Wait, I`m in b-books?" I inquire as I stutter stupidly.

"Yes, you are in a lot of them, although they don`t have any credible evidence of the defeat" she answers as she smiles slightly.

"Well, I`m at the same loss as the books then" I mutter.

Then Hermione begins to chuckle.

"You are definitely a Slytherin. I don`t know why it comes as such a surprise that you aren`t in Gryffindor. I mean you aren`t your parents" she replies as a smile paints her face.

I want to say how could I be my parents if I can`t even remember them but I don`t say that. That would draw attention and pity. Which I do not need might I add once more.

"True" I admit because that`s about the only response I can think of and at the precise moment the class is dismissed.

"Well if you are ever in the need of help or you just want to study. Meet me in the library, I`m usually there. It was nice talking to you Harry" she smiles as she hurries out of the classroom clutching her endless pile of books. You would think she would be a Ravenclaw by her intelligence and love of books which is obvious but she practically screams courage and bravery and she certainly isn`t shy unlike me.

I think I just made a friend. Who knew, Harry Potter made a friend. That sentence doesn't quite make sense, it`s not one I have ever had to think of before. Although I think Draco is my friend, well I don`t actually know if I`m honest. He could just be using me or perhaps he is bored, I haven't come to the right conclusion yet.

I turn around to see if I can find any of my Slytherin housemates and unfortunately, I can`t. I must have talked to Hermione for too long or they came to the realisation that I am one of the worst friends you could pick and that is saying something although Dudley does exist.

And that same panic from earlier hits me although I think all of the lessons we have today are done because I`m pretty sure we just had double charms.

I have no idea where the dungeons are, its strange that they don`t give first years a map. It`s like they want us to get lost in a magical castle which I am about ninety percent sure has things that could kill us and then there are the staircases. I mean they move and one wrong step you fall to the ground and a certain death is guaranteed although it is magical so you could be hopeful that it is charmed so you don`t fall off.

I walk down the empty corridor determined to find the dungeons and avoid well anything slightly disturbing and then I also should try and not get lost. Albeit I think I am already lost so there isn't much hope for that one if I`m honest.

I carry on walking down the corridor as I try and remember the way the prefect led us yesterday and I want to curse my memory because I have already forgotten and then there is the password. I slap my forehead this time as I do not have a potion vial and do I really need an excuse.

The corridor seems to get darker which fills me with hope and that sounds weird but think of it this way if it`s darker we must be near the dungeons I mean dungeons are notoriously dark, they must be. After about half an hour I come to some stone walls that look slightly familiar, I must be at the entrance. I look around for some Slytherin person who hopefully will be equipped with the password. I mean I have the Slytherin crest, that`s enough proof.  
Fortunately, there is a bench outside the entrance like some one read my mind and decided to place it there. I sit on the bench as I fidget with my hands nervously and shake my leg more out of habit than purpose I suppose. I mean someone must be coming out of class by now. It would help if I knew the time.

And around ten or so minutes later which I can only estimate since I do not own a watch ,some one exits the door from the common room.

He is definitely older than me and way taller than me I mean they all are.

He spots me quickly enough. "First year. Forgot the password already didn`t you?" he guesses although it must be pretty obvious.

I nod my head shyly.

"Well, the password is Asphodel which is a potion ingredient" he answers.

"Thank you" I reply to which he nods his head in response and then carries on to where ever he was going to in the first place.

I mutter the password and like yesterday the portrait swings open and reveals the Slytherin common room. I then sigh in relief or embarrassment I have no clue, they feel a little bit too similar.

And then the first years spot me and Draco stops pacing and runs over to me.

"We shouldn`t have left we thought you were behind us and you were talking to Granger and I`m sorry. You must have been lost and you don`t know the password and- "

I interrupt him with a chuckle and a clouded relief fills my mind. That Draco didn`t abandon me.

"It`s fine. You don`t need to lose your mind over it" I reply as my mouth twists into a slight smirk. I have been spending too much time with the Slytherin`s.

"Are you sure. I mean at first I thought you went the wrong way because of all your daydreams" he states as he looks me up and down.

"Well I just guessed my way back,it took me a while and I had to ask another housemate for the password but I`m here. I mean I was bound to get lost sooner or later" I add as fidget slightly with my hand, which now feels like more of a nervous twitch if I`m honest.

He seems to take that as a response because he stops rambling.

"Well, I think it`s dinner. Come on Potter, I need to keep a tight hold on you again so you don`t wander away once more" he comments as all the first year's exit the common room. And surprisingly he doesn't break his word and he really does stay pretty close to me as if I`m just going to run off on him.

After ten minutes, we arrive at the hall which is like a third of the time it took me to find the dungeons they just must pay more attention to the directions around the castle than I do. Anxiety fills me as it usually does as we enter the hall. I sit beside Draco once more and this time I do not start the conversation or add to it. I scoop some stew or soup whatever you want to call it, on my plate. And then pour some more of that juice from earlier into a glass. Begrudgingly I swallow a few small mouthfuls although most of it just gets stuck down my throat. I sip some of the juice in hope it will get rid of the pain, it doesn't. So instead I play around with the food with and just push it around my plate with my fork as I stare at it deeply like it contains all the answers in the world. I do that for about ten minutes as my mood begins to fall. After everyone has eaten we walk back to the common room and then everyone starts talking about chess and then bets are declared.

"Potter, do you know how to play chess?" Draco asks as he steers the conversion to me and I curse once more.

"Nope, never played" I admit bashfully.

This seems to emit gasps from all the Slytherin's and then comments of it`s our life goal to teach you chess. I laugh and my mood rises slightly.

Then we enter the common room once more and we are then welcomed by the sheer amount of Slytherin green which kind of burns your eyes at first, it`s like patriotism to the extremes. Although it`s probably like that for all the other houses so I don`t know why I`m so surprised.

Then we head towards the corner of the common room where the chess set is. I perch myself near the near the end of the sofa as Draco sits next to me his eyes fixated on the chess match that`s about to begin. I think it`s Blaise and Pansy`s turn first and then the betting begins which everyone takes great joy in. And Draco has two galleons on pansy and I`m pretty sure I have a galleon on Blaise. It`s the first time I have gambled although I don`t think it truly counts ,although the other Slytherin's act as if they have been doing it all their life's and it wouldn`t surprise me if they have.

I yawn as I rest my head at the end of the sofa and it`s very comfortable. I look onwards completely unsure on who`s winning as I flutter my eyes constantly and the tiredness consumes me. After around ten minutes I shut my eyes and my last thought before I succumb to sleep. _Is that I really hope I do not have nightmares, not this time._ I give into sleep and drift off.


	9. Distant

**Hey, I would like to apologise for my atrocious time keeping on this story and for this long awaited update. I didn`t mean to leave it this long. I was just busy which sounds like a lame excuse. Alright well I hope you forgive me and this chapter will hopefully be interesting enough to make up for it and long enough. There is a bit of time skip in this chapter about a month or so. It is set at the start of October. This chapter is Harry and Draco's fight (no, it's not violent. Draco is a good character as is Harry). This chapter will mainly contain a very insecure Harry due to the abuse. Anyway, you have been warned, this story will be a slow abuse timeline as I prefer my stories detailed. They will find out about his home life but not soon. Just thought I'd also warn you about that as I do not plan to rush this story. Thank you for the reviews they make me happy as per usual. The review about my grammar is completely correct, I am aware of my terrible grammar. I would love a beta although they are hard to come by. If anyone would like to beta my story pm me or review. Alright I'll quit rambling. Leave a review if you liked it, favourite or follow as well or just read secretly. They all mean a lot to me so thank you. I Hope you enjoy his chapter. Warning contains injured Harry (this is an angsty chapter so beware).  
**  
 **Distant**

* * *

Overall, September went fast. The bruises ,well they healed eventually although the welts they scarred and rather badly at that. Not to mention Petunias rough grip left a jagged purple scar below my wrist.

Yet this morning I had somewhat of a breakthrough. I woke up early as I usually do which seems to be a routine from the Dursley`s that is going to stay engrained. Yet, unfortunately, Draco also seemed to wake up early and decided we should go to the showers together. Which was where you can guess my heart leaped in my throat. So, I pretended I left my toiletries behind and said I would meet him there. Promptly I locked myself in the small bathroom with no shower because they have communal showers, lucky us. Anyway, there I was looking anxiously into the mirror as I usually did as I rechecked my scars as if they were just going to disappear. And then something oddly magical happened. Although then again, we are at a magical school I don't know why I'm so surprised.

My scars didn`t disappear I could still feel the raised skin and the healing blood but you couldn't see it. It seems that my desire for them not to be seen ,turned them invisible. Although it didn`t quite hide my thinness, it did but only slightly. My ribs still _jutted_ out but not as sharply and not as disturbingly. Yet, you could still clearly see my ribs. Quickly, I redressed as I grabbed my toiletries and hurried along to the showers now feeling much calmer.

I found Draco showering in one of the stalls. Thank god that someone created screens and secluded stalls. Brusquely I opened a shower stall as I undressed myself leaving the clothes and the towel outside the stall as I remove my glasses leaving them on the pile of clothes. I turned the shower on setting it on the cold setting instead of hot for once. As I was still half asleep and cold showers work better than coffee sometimes. I scrubbed my body for a few minutes leaving that slight red tinge where I could still feel the raised skin. Although I didn`t feel nausea climb my throat like it usually does. That was probably because I couldn`t see it and I wasn`t reminded of the Dursley`s. Nor, was I reminded of his fists and the pain.

Closing my eyes, I washed my hair. Letting the shampoo seep through my stupid unruly locks. As the bubbles filtered water. There is something about the water or perhaps about rain. Rain washes the dirt away and water washes away the _blood_. Something I also learned at the Dursley`s, it seems obvious. And I guess it is but there is something about it that is mildly calming like it _washes away the pain_. Hastily I conditioned my hair and turned the shower off and the only other sound you could hear was Draco's shower still going . Although Draco is one of those people who could spend hours getting ready. And he still complains that his hair was out of place. He always looks surprised when I get ready in a few minutes. Blindly or so I reach for the towel draping it around my waist as I then reach for my underwear sliding them on under my towel. After that, I fumble for my glasses and the world shifts into focus slightly. Unfortunately, again for me, that seems to be when the shower stops and I am met with the sight of a half-naked Draco with only a towel covering his waist like me I suppose. He makes awkward eye contact with me although his face looks slightly alarmed and pained when he sees my chest.

Anxiously I peer down at my chest worried that perhaps one of my scars is showing. Luckily no scars are showing anywhere thankfully. Yet the pained look doesn't remove itself from his face.

"Are you okay? You look like you have seen a ghost" I ask my voice unnaturally steady for such an anxious person.  
He walks closer to me his eyes still focused on my chest as he curses under his breath.

"You`re skinny" he points out his voice more unsteady than usual.

I chuckle slightly.

"I`m aware. What were you expecting?" I taunt.

"No. You are unnaturally skinny. I can count your ribs from here" he replies his voice softer than usual as well.  
My pulse rises slightly because If he thinks I'm too skinny now. What would his reaction be if he saw me without the spell? He would probably be more disgusted with the sight of me and the scarred skin. Too many scars.

"It`s probably just a good metabolism. I don't have the biggest of appetites either. It isn't the end of the world" I lie steadily and unusually as everything seems to be this morning my hands do not tremble.

He looks at me again and shakes his head as grimace fixes itself around his lips.  
"Do you have allergies?" he inquires.

Confusion clouds my head as I reply, "not that I aware of".

He carries on inspecting me as he starts to get dressed and I follow his lead pulling the trousers around my waist as I remove the towel.  
"Oh," he mumbles quietly as he pauses. "Just thought there could be a medical reason for your frame. You do have a small appetite, that`s a given you eat that of a small bird and fill yourself up on tea" he comments.

Done with his inspection on my chest I throw on the uniform as I slip the robes over my head fixing the Slytherin tie appropriately. His gaze retreats to the floor as a thinking look paints his face instead of usual smug graceful look. It is rather disconcerting if anything. I don`t like people looking at my body even with this spell or something I need to research it. I always tend to squirm when Draco looks at me for too long or anybody usually. I just hate eye contact and at Hogwarts, you would be surprised at how many people initiate or need eye contact.

"Well, this small appetite isn`t going to cut it" Draco states his posture determined as he fixes his tie.

"W-wait, what?" I stutter aloud as my hands now begin to do their tell-tale trembling.

"I mean you are going to eat more. My godfather gives me more than enough lectures on healthy eating not to mention all the health problems it can create. This abnormally skinny thing could make you ill or you could collapse. And I don`t need you, Harry, collapsing on my watch" Draco continues to ramble.

I find myself growing annoyed which is rare but then again, I am not used to concern. I am not some creature that needs to be fattened up. Hell, I have seen fat creatures and that is never ever going to happen to me. I want to look as different from Vernon or Dudley as possible. And I do not need to inhabit their weight.  
"What does it matter" I growl as I pick up my towel.

Draco then looks surprised probably because I don`t get angry.  
"It matters because I am your friend. And I don`t want to see you ill" he replies sharply his icy gaze piercing my green eyes.

An unknown feeling comes through me. So much for keeping to myself. I will have to be more secretive he doesn't need to find out and Hermione is too inquisitive. I do no need to be vulnerable or attention seeker. I also do not need to see Vernon`s death threat played out. Seems I might need to distance myself slightly they cannot find out. No one can.

I laugh bitterly as I begin to fold my towel, playing around with one of the short frays of fabric.  
His face then takes on an angry expression.  
"What?" he inquires abruptly.

"You expect me to believe you?" I question back. My mistrust appearing one more. Sometimes I wish I didn't have trust problems. Yet, people aren't meant to be trusted even friends. Although I haven't had many friends, I blame Dudley for that. Then again, I also blame myself, I push people away. I have too many secrets, too many scars and I have had enough of being a burden. I have had ten years of hearing the Dursley`s complain about me being a burden and their wishes of me being dead with my parents in their `accident`. Mostly I agree with them after all they seem to make sense most of the time.  
And people always change their minds. So, what is different about him. He doesn't care, no that's stupid. Of course, he doesn't. People don`t care about freaks. And if he found out what a _freak_ I am. What an _abnormality_ I am ,he wouldn't care about me.  
I shake off my thoughts as his glare burns ,making me squirm.

"Yes, friends believe each other" he breaks the silence his voice laced with a quiet anger.

"Right," I say sardonically.  
This seems to make him angrier and I hate when people get angry. Yet it's weird because I have control unlike when Vernon gets angry

"Why are you so determined to push me away. You have done this all throughout this month. I am aware we haven't known each other for long but we are friends are we not? I am tired of you distancing yourself. You act like we aren't friends perhaps that's how you want it" he asks with a frown sketched on his lips.  
My thoughts prickle once more. This is it. I can escape this way. If I end our friendship this way then he won't know about my _home life_ or my freakiness. _Or how whatever I touch seems to leave me or die._

His voice interrupts my thoughts like it always does.  
"Have it your way" Draco states sullenly.

I look downwards as the sound of his leaving footsteps echo loudly.

It had to happen, right? I`m poisonous and he doesn't need that. No one does. So why do I feel so empty? Hastily I wipe my eyes of any sudden tears, I don't need to be seen as weak. I dry my hair with the towel as I leave it with the other dirty towels. I carry my toiletries back to the dormitories my eyes fixed on the ground. Thankfully I don't stumble or bash anyone. I place the toiletries on top of my trunk. As I glance around the dorm. The dorm is empty and the beds are all unmade except mine. I stare at the clock noting that they are all at breakfast. Deciding to skip breakfast I pull out a book.

It's not as if it matters if I skip breakfast. I've managed whole weeks without a morsel of food. Looking back on it now I probably only survived because of my magic. Which is a terrifying thought, it wasn't ever that bad, right? _Food isn't a necessity_. Well to me anyway.

I drop the book on the bed remembering my promise of research about the spell that covered my scars and some of the thinness. Yet not enough apparently, since Draco was still alarmed about it. I wince at the thought. Nope. Not thinking about it. At all. Today is do not at all think about Draco day. Distance yourself ,that's what I intend to do.

I throw on some dress shoes I bought from the robe shop. As I rush along to the library, internally hoping that Hermione isn't there. I'm not in the mood for conversation. I have already lost Draco's friendship through my own faults. Albeit Hermione is probably having breakfast with Gryffindor`s, so there should be no reason to worry, yet that doesn't stop the consternation. I hurry along to the library my hands digging into my hand as they always do when I'm anxious or just generally angry with myself.

I finally arrive at the library and find it comfortably emptily with only a few students around and the librarian ,who is frightening and meticulous about books like Petunia is meticulous about checking my cleaning and any stains in the carpet. Which as you can guess she blames on me. I clench my hand a little harder as I ignore everything. Just focus on the spell I repeat to myself. I search for any books that might help me in this peculiar situation. Herbology won`t help and I haven't swallowed any potions so I can count them out. Although perhaps charms are what I need to search for ,it all adds up. It must have been my desire or just accidental, although it was intended to charm my appearance.

I walk over to the charm section as I search through all the titles. It takes a while until I find the book I need. Glamour charms, yes that would make sense. I pull the book open as I walk over to a table hidden by bookcases so I can't be seen. I open the book as I skim through the pages to attempt to find what I've been looking for. Halfway through the book, I find appearance charms. I soak in all the knowledge of the glamour charm as relief fills my body. This charm covers scars although it says that it doesn't get rid of them just creates an illusion that they don't exist unless you are touching them of course. It mentions about concealing small injuries or things that a wizard may be embarrassed about. It seems pretty much indestructible unless you repeat the words `finite incantatem` which translates to banish enchantments. Although no one knows I'm wearing a glamour charm so that shouldn't happen hopefully. I should probably keep my head down and not raise much attention. I have also got to stop flinching although that doesn't happen often as I don't stand close enough to people so they can touch me.

I scan the page once more checking the facts are correct. It should last a while if I keep desiring it and it will have to go come summer. Vernon would be disgusted to see the scars gone he`d think someone would have seen them. Although he would also be repulsed that I used magic but at least it doesn't cause suspicion. Yet it doesn't erase thinness only hides it slightly. I find myself thinking about the fight once more, not that it counts as the fight we didn't get our fists out or as wizards say our wands. It was more of an argument really and the end of a friendship.

I put the book back on the magically organised shelves. As I look around for the clock not wanting to be late for lessons. And with that thought, another thought enters who will I sit next to, obviously I can't sit next to Draco. I'm not that close to the other Slytherins, it isn't awkward but that was probably because I was friends with Draco. Blaise is alright but still we don't talk much and it's the same with Theo. Although I might be in Hermione`s classes today hopefully and I usually sit next to her in those classes much to everyone's disgrace. The headmaster or whoever organises the class likes to put the Slytherins with the Gryffindor's. And today I have potions then Charms and Hermione is in both classes so I shouldn't have to sit alone. The only problem is Draco got over his issue with Hermione at the whole stupid muggle born thing ,which then started a friendship. So, he tends to also sit next to us, so it could end up awkward.

I push the thoughts out of my mind as I find the clock. Five minutes to class apparently, which means I have successfully avoided breakfast. I could skip lunch but only if they didn't notice my absence if I distance myself they should forget about me. Although that seems a little too hopeful and it's not as if being lonely will bother me. I've been alone since my parent died and I survived the killing curse. _I'm used to it_ , right I mean how bad can it be?

I exit the library hurriedly as I rush back to the dorms. Luckily potions are near the dungeons so I should be able to collect my books. It is pretty much guaranteed that I'm going to be late and it just has to be potions. Professor Snape is scary enough without being provoked so that is going to be an absolute joy. I walk as fast as I can without looking like an idiot or a Gryffindor that's what the Slytherin's say anyway. I mutter the password as quick as I can and then I run in the safety of the Slytherin common room.

I run up the swirling sharp stairs and it just so happens my luck ends although I never was a lucky person. I slip on the fourth or fifth stair I'm guessing and then I fell. Catching my leg on what I think was the end of the staircase. I curse loudly as pain seizes up my foot and a loud snap echoes through the silent air and then due to the shock of my ankle my head falls catching itself smacking against the wooden hard stair. Confusion flushes through my body as I shake my head increasing the pain in my head. I pull my leg up rather painfully as I inspect my foot with glazed over eyes. Long violet bruises encase the thin ankle and it seems rather swollen and pink in places with the bone looking rather out of place. It seems the glamour only conceals old injuries or scars, not recent ones. I drop the injured ankle as I stand back up in slight pain. It could be worse at best it's just sprained or strained it could be broken but I'm not going to the infirmary, anyway I'll be late I remember. I raise my body upwards swaying dizzily a little. I then begin to walk up the stairs sorely keeping the weight of the injured foot and trying to ignore the increasing pound of my head. Finally, I make my way up to the dormitory leaning heavily on my good foot. I search thoroughly for my needed books as I shove them in my bag. I groan quietly as I attempt to stand on my ankle. Pain flushes through the ankle and a loud crack emits which was louder than on the staircase. And not a good crack like it just magically slotted into place. Biting my lip I carry on walking taking extra care on the stairs. I limp through the common rooms as I keep on using my good foot not making the mistake once again. I open the door once more as I walk slowly once I get to class I`ll conceal it. It can't do that much harm anyway adults don't care if you're injured, especially when you`re a freak. Wait what class do I have? confusion clusters wildly in my head. I look down at my books. Potions , yes that's right I have potions at least I think do.

I carry on leaning tenderly on my good ankle making sure the bad one doesn't go anywhere near the ground till class. After ten or so minutes I reach the potion classroom. Anxiety churns my stomach and I feel sick. I don't remember breakfast but my stomach is empty so I mustn't of had any , or maybe I just didn't eat.

I breathe out worriedly, stilling my trembling hands along with my dizzy confused head although that doesn't exactly go away, unfortunately. It's just an ankle though I've had worse, I just wish it didn't hurt. I broke it a couple years back and that was quite painful. Fortunately, I broke it at school so that meant I did get to go to the hospital. I had this giant white cast on it for weeks and a beating when I got back for my clumsiness although that beating was well deserved. Well from what I remember. I lose my balance slightly as I attempt to steady myself and it takes me a while to remember where I am and who I am. After five minutes I remember I am Harry and that I'm at Hogwarts.

I open the door preparing myself for the Professors temper because I must be late right? I could skip but that would lead to questions and suspicion, which may I add I'm trying to avoid. Although it would be nice to throw up in the toilets right now. I walk sorely through the doorway, all heads turn towards me and the anxiety creates clusters of butterflies in my stomach. I look around with a blank expression barely recognising most people. I conceal the pain on my face and stand up rather determinedly with my bad ankle behind my other so it's not obvious. And just then Professor Snape seems to hear or well see my arrival. An angry expression fills his face as he walks over towards me a snarl spilling from his mouth. I continue to stare blankly at him.

"Potter are you really that incompetent to arrive forty minutes late. Do you have no respect for Professors or this school at all? Just like your father. Do you think the rules don't apply to you? He pauses as he glares at me with disdain. With strength, I didn't know I possessed I hold his stare letting him finish his lecture. I've learned that he doesn't approve of interruption in his rants or just general.

"Detention for two weeks Potter. Go, I don't want to see your insolent face at all during this lesson and don't think I will forget about this" he bellows his voice full of anger.

I nod my head shyly ignoring all the stares and small gasps. I look around for trying to remember what Hermione looks like. It takes a second or too but the memory comes back and I spot an empty chair beside her. I walked slowly trying to conceal my pain as the Professor continue to sneer at me.

"Well, hurry up you interrupted my lesson" he hisses. I nod my head dazedly as I put pressure on my foot suppressing the grimace. Pain fills my foot but I slyly remain on my other good foot as I hurriedly sit next to Hermione. The Professor then ceases his glaring as he continues his teaching of potion ingredients. Relief flushes through my body as there is no more pressure on my foot. I glance at Hermione`s blurry features her expression is full of disdain probably because I`m late she is a bit of stickler when it comes to punctuality and class at least I think so. Everything just seems so confusing and loud.

"Why are you late?" she whispers curiously quietly under her breath. Her voice rings in my ears, as I take a while to reply.

It takes a while to process her question, as I`m unsure on why I am late. I don't remember that.

After a few minutes I reply "forgot the time". As that seems to be the only plausible excuse.

She looks over me and nods at me her expression slightly confused as she concentrates on the Professor. I look around the room sneakily remembering Draco is in this class too. Draco is sat on the next to Hermione and he has a similar look on his face he looks angry but not mildly and he keeps glancing at me with a sort of twisted confusion I'm guessing. I wonder why he is so angry?

I ignore Hermione`s continued gazes as I stare blankly at the desk in front of me. I disregard the pain as much as possible as my ankle continues to throb and the dizziness plagues my head. I continue the ignorance throughout the entire lesson, ignoring just about everything most importantly my ankle and the argument. When the class is finally dismissed Hermione taps my shoulder and wakes me from my daydream like state and staring contest with the desk.

"Come on Harry" she comments.

I grumble softly as I land off the chair and onto my foot. And the pain is back at full. I suppress at best as I slowly follow Hermione placing my full weight on my uninjured ankle. Draco and Hermione seem to be caught up in a conversation, which they seem to find interesting but I can`t really hear it. It all dulls in my ears and increases the pounding in my hear. I carry on walking as the bone in my ankle worsens then it already was and this time I can't suppress a yelp. They both turn around so quickly I wouldn't be surprised if they had whiplash. Hermione looks at me with slight concern and Draco just looks at me oddly.

"Are you okay?" Hermione questions worriedly as he inspects me.

I muffle the pain as I nod my head, although that only seems to make the dizziness worse.

They then both slow down and carry on with their conversation although their gaze lands on me occasionally. Just then we turn up the steps reminding me of the stupid treacherous Slytherin steps this morning. I think I fell down steps, right? I grimace at the thought of climbing these steps. I smother the need to relieve my ankle of the pressure as I slowly climb the stairs. Hermione and Draco walk as quickly as usual and the stairs seem so long. I don't think I'll be able to make it. I place my good foot in front of the other and that's where it all goes wrong again. I lose my balance and land in heap on the stairs, unable to stand on it all. I rest my aching head in my arms as I try and silence the dizziness and hide my ankle.

I bury my head deeper into my body. As a tapping follows on my shoulder.

"Harry. What`s wrong" Hermione asks her voice trembling slightly.  
This time I don't reply.

"Harry" Draco talks this time.

I raise my head slightly as I attempt to look at them but there seems to be three of them and the dizziness threatens to overwhelm. I shake my head ignoring it at best, as I glance at Draco and Hermione`s blurrier than normal worried faces.  
"Harry, you are worrying me? Are you hurt?" she inquires her voice alert yet soft.

I carry on with the not replying thing as it seems to work and there questions take a while to understand. Draco sits on the step next to me as his gaze looks over my body landing on my ankles. He pulls up the black trouser leg to my good ankle and sees no damage. Relief flushes through my body once more hoping he stops at this one. And he doesn't because as I keep having to remind myself I have the worse damn look. Achingly at what's to come, he pulls up the other trouser leg and spots the ankle. The ankle was worse than when I last saw it angry dark black and violet bruises almost swallow the ankle and has swelled up almost dramatically not to mention the bone looks as if its broken the skin. Which means it's broken and it's not sprained or strained.

They both curse the same word at the same time in perfect sync. Hermione sits down next Draco as she  
inspects the ankle a look of concern painting both their faces.

"When did this happen? It can't have happened now. You didn't fall awkwardly" Draco states his voice softer as he carries on looking at the ankle.  
I look at him with confusion.

"I don`t k-know. Th-hink it was those angry st-tairs befo-ore" I stutter.  
They both then stop staring at my ankle and begin staring at my face instead.

"What do you mean you don`t know?" Hermione asks with a grimace.

"I just don`t" I mumble.

Draco then mutters under his breath something under his breath which rings in my ears causing more of this confusion. Why are they so worried?  
I look downwards as Hermione grasps shoulder.

"Dam-mn we will be la-ate for Class" I stutter stupidly again.

They then give me twin looks of a glare ,that translates to are you stupid?

"Like hell, you are going to Charms with a broken ankle" Draco declares.

"It`s not broken. We have Charms next?" I question quietly.

"Harry. Your ankle is broken ,see that bone it`s pierced through your skin. You need to go to the infirmary. And yes Harry we do have Charms next, you don't usually forget the schedule" Hermione softly states as she looks over at my head.

"No. Please don't take me to the infirmary" I beg weakly resting my dizzy head on my knee to stop the stars in front of them. I just want to close my eyes.

"That isn't a request. Come on" Draco replies.

Hermione grabs my arm and steadies me upwards. Only for my legs to topple and fall back down again. I look down at them with confusion wondering why they don't work until I remember my ankle. Draco whispers something in Hermione`s ear that I can`t hear as Hermione nods and looks back at me and then replies in the same tone. Draco then leaves in a rush as he walks down the stairs and then runs down the corridor. I look at him with confusion as I rest my head on Hermione`s shoulder instead.

"Where`s Draco," I ask quietly.

"Oh, Draco has gone to get some help" she replies softly as ever.

"I don't need help. I'm fi-ine" I whisper in response.

She sighs loudly as she plays with my hair combing it slightly. Amazingly I don't flinch, probably because I'm already in pain.  
"You do. Harry, you can't stand up and the bone is poking through remember. Look it is starting to bleed" she adds as she points at the distressed ankle. I look back down at the ankle and sure enough, she is right it is starting to bleed.

I close my eyes absently as I continue to my bury myself in her shoulder instead of my knee or arms.

"Are you feeling dizzy?" she asks in concern.

"Yes," I mumble into her shoulder.

"What do you remember of this morning Harry?" she inquires her voice full of worry.

"Not much" I mutter.

She curses under her breath as she carries on running her fingers through her hair.

"Harry I think you might of injured your head on the stairs" she states.

"When did I fall down stairs?" I ask dazedly.

A few minutes later loud pattering footsteps cause me to open my eyes.

Hermione mumbles something that sounds like "thank god".

I open my eyes wearily as I see Draco`s figure running towards me with a red haired tall person beside him who looks kind of familiar.  
Taking two steps at a time they reach me quickly enough. They all make eye contact with each other as their attention draws to me.

"Draco, I think Harry has hurt his head" she mentions her voice full of worry.

Draco looks down at me as he looks at my head. I stare at him with confusion. Who hit their head? My attention turns to the other person beside Draco.  
"I know you-u" I mutter aloud.

"Fred, I helped you with your trunk" he replies softly as his gaze lands to my ankle and he curses loudly like they all did. Carefully he places his hands under my arms. I squirm slightly as I stare at his face blankly.

"No. Don't take me to the infirmary" I slur.  
He lifts me up easily and carries me in his arms.

"Damn he is too light" Fred stated aloud.

Draco curses again mumbling something under his breath.  
I look at him his figure blurring slightly and not due to my terrible eyesight.

"Please" I slur again my tongue feeling like lead.

"Sorry, not happening" Fred replies his voice calming and soft.

"You have red hair" I point out my voice slurring at the end again.

He looks down at me worriedly.

"Yes, the Weasley`s are cursed with it"

"That must of hurt" I whisper back.

"What?" he replies.

I pause for a bit as I finally remember what he said.

"Being cursed" I slur back.

He chuckles loudly as he shakes his head.

He looks over at Draco.

"I don't think he should be slurring this much" Fred comments to Draco.

Draco looks over at me as he carries on walking his gaze fixed blurrily on mine.

"Harry, what hurts?" he asks sharply.

"Head and the ankle" I slur.

He looks at me with alarm. As they all hurry up their speed.

I groan in his arms at the pain as they walk down the stairs. They walk quickly but not at a run thankfully and my ankle sticks up in the air tilted unnaturally as the bone pokes through.

Finally, they make it to the infirmary. I close my eyes only for someone to tap my shoulder I open my eyes unfocused as I stare at Hermione's expression. Fred gently carries me over to the bed and places me on top of the quilt.

"Don't close your eyes Harry. Stay awake" Draco whispers softly.

"Okay, Draco" I slur my tongue becoming heavier than it was before. As the nurse rushes through the doors. Her expression turns to one of worry when she sees my ankle and my face. That's when I break my word and close my eyes slipping off into a pain-free unconsciousness.


	10. Clarity

**Hey I`d like to apologise as it has been two weeks since I have last updated and that`s absurd, so sorry about that. Anyway, thank you for the reviews they made me feel fuzzy inside and I love hearing peoples opinions on the story it`s nice to know someone reads my silly fanfiction. A thing I would like to address now instead of later in this A/N is about Harry`s food issue and while it`s obvious he is suffering from malnutrition. It`s not going to be one of those stories where he gets over it with a quick potion because being starved for ten years or so impacts his body although it might be more of a mental issue than physical .Anyway this will really come into play in later chapters probably around the start of second year so I need to speed up this year. Right this chapter was actually really fun to write it`s an angsty fluff chapter and it`s mostly concerned Draco, shy Harry and a lecturing Hermione. Enjoy the chapter and if you liked it or there are a few grammar/spelling mistakes leave a review (also thank you for the 100 followers that is incredible!) Otherwise follow or favourite or read online late at night as I do.**

 **Clarity**

* * *

I awoke from the oblivion a few hours later at my best estimation. With fluttering eyes and lights too bright or was that the sun? Either way, it hurt my eyes.  
The first thing I felt was _fear_. _Pure fear_ at having completely no idea where I am. I blinked again seeing a white washed large room filled with beds, maybe I`m dreaming? No that's too hopeful.

"Harry are you awake" a soft voice spoke through well my inspection.

I nod my head only for a sharp pain to echo through my head. I bite my lip fiercely so no pathetic sound would escape me. My head constantly pounded and I couldn't feel my ankle it was like extreme pins and needles.

"Madam Pomfrey, Harry has awoken" the soft voice calls again hurting my head slightly.

"Ssh" I whisper tossing my body only for my ankle to stay attached to the bed.

A blurry lady dressed in what seemed to be a nurse outfit walks towards the bed. So that`s where I am the hospital. Great. I had to land myself in the hospital, proving myself to be the world`s biggest klutz. _Could I be any more of a freak?_ It`s as if everything I do just adds to the Dursley`s beliefs of me, _beliefs I believe about myself_. And there is a list of these beliefs and things they have called me and things they have said about me and my parents but I don't have enough parchment for that. Plus parchment is quite expensive so I guess there is that.

"Mister Potter, I see you have woken" a steady voice ripples through my head.

"Mmh" I mumble stupidly and incoherently. Whilst internally I`m just begging for silence because all this `conversation` is hurting my head even more. I stop staring at the quilt and readjust my stare to the nurse or whatever they call it in the wizarding world.

"I have treated your head injury which was, in fact, a concussion although there will still be a headache. Which I cannot treat because I have already given you one potion and mixing more than one potion tends to make patients more ill than they started with. You may suffer from some short-term memory loss but that will clear up before tomorrow. And your ankle is more of a delicate matter. I see the bone in your ankle has been broken before. So repairing the ankle is more fragile than usual so I placed a small bind on the ankle so you will not be able to move it as the bone in your ankle has been mended. Although because you have already broken it we need to be extra careful, you cannot afford to jostle or even move your leg until it has been cleared, do you understand Mister Potter?" she questioned her eyes coldly searching through my face.

"Yes, how long do-o I have to spend in the infirmary?" I mutter smothering my face into the soft pillow as I try to hide my embarrassment at the injuries. Really I needed up in the infirmary for a broken ankle and a concussion. It`s despicable that I'm in pain because _I've had worse and usually that worse was being injured and thrown in the cupboard and then waking up sometime later to paint the shed_. And here I am a month in and I`ve already shown my freakiness and it was from my own stupid bones. I`m not even going to think about the glamour hopefully she didn't do any magical scans. Although if she did perhaps she would ask about it, or maybe she saw them and didn't care perhaps it was expected.

 _It`s not as if I didn't deserve it._

"A few days I should think, I`ll be back in a bit for dinner. And Mister Malfoy do not overexert him, keep an eye on him and do not let him leave the bed" the nurse demands sharply her eyes boring into who I guess is Draco.

A soft voice replies to the demand almost immediately. After that loud pattering footsteps ache in my head which probably means the nurse has left.  
I move my head from my smooth pillow to see a blurry Draco. Or at least I hope it is because it could be also be someone with Draco`s hair.

"Draco" I whisper squinting at his face as my eyes remain unfocused.

Soft hands press my glasses onto my head and his concerned face comes into view.

"You scared us" he replies his voice smooth yet troubled all the same.

"M`sorry" I mumble feebly as ever.

"Only you would apologise for getting injured" Draco chuckled a small smile painting his too sharpened face.

I stick my tongue out in response.

"And now you are being immature" he drawls in his Malfoy voice.

I glare weakly at him which just makes him laugh more.  
The conversation pauses as his gaze then runs up and down my body as if he`s checking for something. Paranoid, much.

"Are you okay?" I ask quietly. My head still feels like it`s been sliced open by some searing hot knife.

"Here you are resting in the infirmary, the patient, and you are asking me if I`m alright. It should be me asking you that question" he tilts his head his gaze meeting mine piercing through me like those grey eyes always seem to do. I look away from my eyes refocusing on the white quilt in front of me.

"You ignored my question" I whisper into the blanket.

"Harry, I`m fine. Whereas you are not" he replies his voice soft and even to an extreme comforting. Who would of thought it?

"I am fine" I retort my gaze returning to his face. Which is currently staring at me with disbelief.

"And the picture of you in the infirmary bed unable to move your leg defies you" Draco smirks slightly but his eyes look less humorous and more solemn if anything.

"What is the time?" I ask directing the subject to something that doesn't make me feel weak and well vulnerable.

"7 pm" Draco responds plainly.

"You should be in the Great Hall. How long have you been here?" I question worry dripping into my voice.

"Since you fainted" he replies his voice as steady as his stare.

I look at him oddly whilst my mind ponders why he hasn't left yet. Surely, looking at an unmoving human in the bed for six hours isn't fun. There`s no reason to stay here for me, the idea is humorous in itself.  
I curse under my breath as realisation dawns on me.

"You missed lessons because of me, I`m sorry" I mumble anxiously pulling the blanket corner up and down to try and distract myself. I turn my gaze to him still rolling the white blanket in my hand.  
He looks at me with disbelief as if I`m a special type of stupid. Actually, both him and Hermione have perfected that look.

"You think I care about class? Harry get it through your dense head, you collapsed, you were hurt. I`m not going to leave you and rush back to class and forget that one of my friends is unconscious. And last time I checked I chose to stay and it`s not your fault that you are injured so stop apologising, you`re acting like a Hufflepuff" he smirks at his own joke.

I laugh in response.

"What is it with you and Hufflepuff? Were you secretly meant to be in that house?" I ask mockingly, putting on my best innocent face.

He looks at me with utter disdain as if he went to Snape and asked for his expression. It`s a rather good impression if anything.  
"Me a Hufflepuff , please the hat didn't even touch my head" he replies looking at my head on a smile pulling at his pink lips.

"Someone is defensive" I comment looking onwards.

"Says you" he retorts back.

"What?" I question curiously.

"Oh, come on Harry. You are the most defensive person I have ever met" Draco looks at me his eyes laced with something that looks like worry.

"What`s that supposed to mean?" I ask curiosity filling my tone once more.

"And here`s an example" he declares.

"Perhaps you have a point" I give in knowing that I simply am not in the right mood to defend my defensiveness.

At just that moment I realise something extremely embarrassing. I need the loo, which sounds innocuous and rather normal. Although I`ve been instructed not to move so how the hell do I get to the toilet. I blush deeply at the thought of Draco helping, nope not happening. Definitely not I can think of thousands of things I`d like to do first like break another ankle. Although that wouldn't really work, actually that would be worse.

I glance meekly at Draco as he looks at me as if I`m something interesting to study. An eerie expression to be honest.

"What?" he asks aloud.

I bow my head rubbing my hand anxiously against my forehead as if to rid the need to pee oh and to rid my headache, that would be rather nice. _Although Nice things do not happen to Harry_.  
"I need to go to the loo" I mutter so quietly he would need superhuman powers to hear.

"I can`t hear you" he replies reassuring me he does not have superhuman hearing.

"I need the loo" I speak louder my cheeks tinted pink with shame.

Confusion colours his eyes for a second before turning to understanding as he stares at my dysfunctional ankle.

"Can you hold it?" he asks looking at me with some emotion I cannot really comprehend.

"No" I mumbled shyly. Slowly I press both of my arms on the bed lifting my body up as my leg dangles numbly in front of me taunting me with my inane clumsiness. I glance at the ankle fleetingly as I press my feet on the ground only to have a hand pushing me back. I jerk back at the hand as I realise that it`s Draco`s hand. I stare up at the owner as Draco stares at me with something akin to are you an idiot? I really need to tell him to stop giving me that look and maybe at the same time I can include Hermione in that statement as well.

"Did you listen to anything Pomfrey said?" he asks.

I nod my head as I push Draco`s hand back and get ready for another attempt. That will work this time.

And then Draco kneels down near to the floor and this time it`s me looking at him oddly. Who ever thought a Malfoy would be on his knees.  
"Piggyback" he states as if it is the most obvious thing in the world. I have never had one nor given one.

"Wai-it what-t" I stutter weakly showing my stupid shyness again.

"Hop on my back. You`re light and you cannot stand. Just don't bring this up okay. I`d like to keep my reputation in tact." he asks determination leaking into his words.

Slowly and more in shock than anything I wrap my arms around his neck. Gripping his side with my good leg whilst my other leg dangles loosely by his side.

"You are too light, Harry. I`ll have to spike your Pumpkin juice with calories at this rate" he declares as he begins to walk across the room. I look downwards and realise just how much taller Draco is than me. It`s so much different at this height.

"It`s so high up here" I comment looking down on the lines of hospital beds.

"Well you are tiny Harry, I mean there are small first years and there is you" he points out.

A blush fills my cheeks as I whisper back "Not true" which Draco just laughs at.

A few minutes later we reach the toilet and Draco opens the door as he places me back on the ground near the toilet.

"If you fall, call me. Just abandon your pride for a minute, okay?" he asks worriedly his eyes burning into mine. I nod timidly as he walks out of the bathroom shutting the door behind him.

"Oh, and call me when you`re done" he states his voice penetrating the wooden door. I limp towards the toilet feeling extremely weird about the situation I find myself as my leg continues to hang numb. I sit on the toilet taking the weight of my feet as I do my business. With a flush of a toilet, I`m done as I limp back to the sink cursing my stupid breakable ankle that makes me an invalid. I wash my hands almost obsessively, it feels as if there is always dirt under my fingernails and no amount of scrubbing gets rid of the freakiness or the dirt. It`s there always. When in reality my nails have no dirt there it`s just what I see. I continue washing my hands until they are rubbed raw although at least they aren`t bleeding this time that`s a plus point.  
"I`m done" I call quietly. And with the click, the door slides open and Draco stares at my hands for a while until he shakes his head.

"I can manage to get to the bed myself" I mumble shame filling me once more.  
In response, he just crouches.

I sigh and give in my body feeling almost lethargic. I wrap my body around his back once more as I rest my head on his shoulders closing my eyes into his robes.  
A few minutes later soft hands place me into the bed.

"Harry" Draco whispers sitting down the chair next to the bed.

"What Draco?" I question wearily.

"Sleep" he replies.

"Huh," I mumble.

"Just sleep, I`ll wake you up when Pomfrey comes back" he responds his voice quiet.  
And with that, my eyes fall shut almost instantaneously and the last thing I remember his hands removing the glasses from my head as I sink into the pillow.

* * *

A shaking hand interrupts my slumber.  
I ignore it.  
Until the hand continues to poke.

"Go away" I whisper into my pillow.

"Harry, Madam Pomfrey has arrived with dinner so I suggest you open your eyes and stop eating your pillow" he drawls his voice piercing my ears.

With a melodramatic sigh, I open my eyes as I sit up in bed, my hands fumbling for my glasses as Draco passes them over and I slip them on.  
"Has your headache gone?" Madam Pomfrey asks.

"No" I mumble because it hasn't just dulled slightly.

"Well, the potion is probably out of your body so I can give you a headache draught" she passes over a clear filled potion. I throw it down quickly as I scrunch my face up from the repulsive taste, what is it with all these potions tasting so bad. I pass her the vial back muttering thanks as my head stops pounding.

"Do, you remember anything beforehand?" she inquires.

I think back on this morning and with the headache gone and the concussion thankfully the memories flutter back. The showers and the fight I had with Draco and the trip to the library where I researched the glamour spell. The fall down the stairs and after it`s a bit fuzzy. I remember Snape shouting me and I think I got detention and then there was a redhead carrying me to the infirmary.  
"Yes but not after I fell" I reply.

"That`s perfectly normal with a head injury. Right well, I expect you to eat of all this as I don`t believe you have eaten today and your body needs to recover and having low blood sugar will not help" she lectures as she places two plates down on the table next to the bed. And with that, she storms out to her office I think.

Draco passes along a plate which I set according in my lap the cutlery resting in my hands as apprehension fills my hands.  
"Sorry" I mumble.

"What?" he asks.

"About this morning. I do wan-nt to be friends but I understand if you don't want to be anymore. I`ve been a nuisance all day" I fiddle with my fork looking anywhere but his face as I await his predictable answer. I`ve been a pretty terrible friend although I suppose I don't have any experience in that department.

"Don`t be silly you`re not a nuisance and I`m afraid you are stuck with my friendship at least I'm glad you want it. You Should have told us that you fell sooner if anything I mean you wanted to go back to class" he laughs to himself as he begins to eat and I continue to twirl the fork in my hand. My eyes staring at the vast amount of food on my plate the portion is oversized.

"Nope" he declares I break my stare and glance at him instead as determination fills his face.

"Sorry?" I mumble.

"You are eating that Harry. I noticed how skinny you are this morning and Fred noticed when he carried you and then I gave you a piggyback and I have lifted heavier cauldrons I swear. So eat before I really do spike your pumpkin juice and that isn`t a threat because I will follow up on it" he declares loudly as his lips turning into a frown.

"My weight is none of your business" I reply defiantly my mouth twisting into a frown as well.

"That`s where you are wrong Harry. It is my business and it will always be my business because I do not wish to watch some waste away or gain any health conditions because of that so eat before I yell for Madam Pomfrey" he threatens his eyes glaring at me as they turn to the fork in my hands.

I pick up the fork and stop twirling it and scoop some mash onto it and with trembling hands, I swallow and as courageously as I can I glare at Draco as a soft smile filters his face.  
And just like that our oh so joyful threats are interrupted by a certain Gryffindor running through the doors. Before I can anticipate my next move a body is crushing mine which luckily didn't land on my tea. I stiffen from the touch completely unused to touch, Hermione seems to actively seek it though. Must be because she`s an affection person or something but to me touch means pain, humiliation, and blood.  
After a minute she thankfully pulls back and starts fiddling with my quilt which I have put down to Hermione`s mothering. Even though I`ve only known her for a month she seems to have adapted a kind of mothering persona when she`s around me.  
"Are you alright? God, you worried us so much Harry" she asks her voice high pitched and her eyes seem particularly glassy with worry.

"I`m fine" I respond in return.

Hermione gives me one of her special looks and turns her gaze to Draco.

"Oh just ignore that. Anyway, Harry eat, Hermione is not an excuse to place that fork down" Draco observed his voice firm.

In response to that, I just carry on eating, savouring each bite as I usually do. It`s odd how many people take food for granted.  
I eat about half the portion my stomach feeling full and I find pride leak into my head at the fact I`ve eaten more than I usually do and without nausea which is a plus. I place my plate half eaten food next to Draco`s empty plate as I gulp down half a cup full of pumpkin juice.

My attention turns to Hermione and Draco who seem to be in some heated conversation which I can`t hear. Albeit their voices rise in the end and I end up hearing their arguments.

"You could have told me" Hermione screeches and instead of Hermione I imagine Petunia and her bony face and how she always made remarks about my abnormality and apparent worthless.

"Well I was with him what was I meant to do" Draco snaps back and instead of Draco, I imagine Uncle Vernon and his purple face with his bulging vein and his fists and the unclicking sound of his belt as the buckle slammed down on me.

I shut my eyes trying to tell myself they are nothing alike. I mean they have different appearances and different voices but it sounds so familiar.  
They`d talk about me quite a lot and it was in heated tones and there would be freaky tiny Harry locked away in his cupboard whilst their yells filtered under the small gap of the Cupboard door making me feel less human than I already thought I was.

"Hermione stop" Draco advises.

I clutch my eyes harsher and in my head, I`m not here. I`m in the cupboard.

"Harry" a small voice utters.

I peek one eyelid open seeing Hermione peering over me with a worried face.

"Hermione he`s really pale should I get Madam Pomfrey" he asks Hermione.

"N-no" I whisper.

I open my eyes fully reminding myself that I`m not in my cupboard. I`m in Hogwarts. I`m not in Little Whinging, I`m in the wizarding world and with that, I look at theirs faces a sigh of relief coming back to me. That they aren`t Vernon and Petunia but Draco and Hermione and it sounds like I`ve lost my sanity but it was familiar.

"What happened?" Draco questions his voice quiet.

"I don`t like yelling" I whisper back.  
They give each other odd looks as Hermione threads her fingers through my hair as if it`s calming.  
"Any reason for that?" Hermione asks.

"Nope" I lie rather stupidly as well as they have just seen my blatant freakiness.

Draco shakes his head like he usually does when something doesn`t quite add up or he`s thinking about why it doesn't add up.  
"I only have ten minutes Harry. I need to go back to the Dorms so rest the ankle listen to Draco and I`ll give you some notes tomorrow so you don't fall behind" a smile paints her face as she hugs me again and says goodbye to Draco as she walks back to her Common room. I sigh quietly as I remember Draco has to go back to the Dorm too and I`ve already kept him for long enough he`ll grow tired of me soon, So if I excuse him I won't waste any more of his time.

"You need to get back to Dorms" I observe.

"Well you are right about that the curfew is in a few minutes and I really do not want to run into Snape" he notes as he looks at my face once more.

"Alright I`m leaving but if you need the toilet go to Pomfrey don`t move or worsen your ankle. I`ll see you after lessons tomorrow, okay?" Draco replies.

"I will, you don't need to come tomorrow I'm sure you`ll find better things to do" I stammer pathetically as ever.

"I want to, bye Harry" he assures as he picks up his bag and soon he has left too.

I remove my glasses on the table next to me and pray for a night with no dreams of Cupboards.


	11. Tense

**I`m a monster. I know but I haven't had any internet and I`m in the midst of writing a new fiction eve though I shouldn't but even so I hope you`ll take my apology and not try and kill me as that would be much appreciated. Anyway I don`t know what I even think about this chapter , I`m not sure if I`d call it a filler or not but it`s got some alright points in it I suppose. I should be updating more regularly after this because I should hopefully (fingers crossed) be on the Wi-Fi and not 4G and also it`s summer so I`ll have more time. If you enjoyed this chapter which I hope you do and I also hope I haven't lost you as readers because its been around four weeks and I know once again its a fact I'm a horrible person. But if you liked it, leave a review or a follow or a favourite or scroll on casually whilst you read as an ambiguous guest. I`m going to stop rambling which I will blame on coffee and too much of that. Thank you for sticking with me if you do and for reading this story it makes me fuzzy inside. (This might be a short chapter, sorry! Also it isn't canon for the troll at the feast so don't be annoyed if you're waiting for it, I think it`s rather clichéd in the fanfiction world)**

 **Tense**

* * *

After three intense days of Madam Pompfrey`s well rather over protectiveness of patients. I was declared better even though I was more injured than well ill. At least that meant no more piggybacks from Draco, although it was funny to see him on his knees.

Dangling my feet from the bed, I await Draco`s belated arrival. I really don`t know why he was so adamant to meet me here. After this I`ll be lucky to see another staircase in my life. A shiver runs down my spine as I think of Hermione`s extensive lectures or more like constant lectures and Draco just nodded his head and agreed. The traitor. So much for Slytherin`s for sticking together.

It took a while well about two days but my ankle is good as new if that`s counts for anything and the concussion seems to have cleared up with the odd headache. Although that doesn't mean that Draco and Hermione aren`t any less protective. And Draco keeps giving me that look. When ever I stop eating because I`m full or something, I think he wants to fatten me up.

"And you`re back to sleeping" a voice and a click of fingers interrupt me.

"Huh" I mumble my eyes fixated on the floor of the infirmary.

"Well you must be all right if you are back to your favourite activity, daydreaming" he drawls on.

"Draco when did you get here and I do not daydream" I reply my eyes meeting his frosty eyes but instead of being cold they're warm.

"Just now and you do as a matter of fact it is your favourite hobby and most dangerous" he states factually.

I tilt my head slightly and jump out of the infirmary bed that I have been in for what feels like months but was only about three days. You could say I have cabin fever although I have never been too clear on what that actually was.

I follow Draco towards whatever class we have next. as we stop outside of a familiar dark cold classroom. That will eventually lead to an equally cold common room and it doesn't even get warmer with a fire its like they are waiting for us to get hypothermia or something.

"We have potions" I mutter plainly whilst I stare at the foreboding door.

To which Draco just laughs at.

"Wait, I have detentions with Snape. He`s going to kill me, I didn't turn up" I state as I thrust my trembling hands into my pockets.

And Draco just carries on laughing.

"You Harry Potter are one of a kind" he comments looking at me in amusement. But I`m not laughing because he scares me. The way he looks at me like Vernon does and he looks stronger than Vernon. And like I said before I do not want to meet his wrath because his idea of punishment is probably worse than a few days of not eating and Vernon`s belt and Petunia frying pan. He`s probably one of the creative ones that would make you hurt so much that you would be envious of death.

"He obviously removed you from those detentions" Draco reassures.

I snort in response, right because Snape would do that.

"No he actually did" Draco once more restates almost casually.

"Why?" I answer in disbelief with stupid wide eyes hidden behind old glasses.

"He`s not a monster Harry. You were injured in class and how were you meant to do potions with a concussion and a broken ankle, your not superman even if you did defeat a dark lord" he stares at me with what seems to be exasperation.

And then our conversation is interrupted like they all are these days by the devil itself. Snape in his greasy haired glory with his billowing ropes that looks more like a cape if I'm honest.

Our class quickly and silently filters into the classroom and stays to it`s sides. Which are consequently Slytherin and Gryffindor because inter house unity doesn`t count unless your called Hermione Granger.

And then there`s Snape with his black eyes and before I met him I didn't know it was scientifically possible to have black eyes. It`s probably magic and I`m bored of that as an excuse. _It`s all just magic._

And as we get on with our potion his eyes are piercing into mine. Yet it`s not in angry way like it usually is. I can deal with angry looks and I can deal with the looks they give you when you know your going to end up with a broken rib or three. _Vernon was talented with that look. But I don`t like this look_.

It`s a studying look as if I`m an experiment or because we are in potions, it`s like he is studying a potion that`s about to explode. And I`m that unfortunate potion that`s about to destruct. That is the kind of look I`m getting. I carry on with my potion, stirring it anti clockwise five times as Draco chops up a spleen. Potions is such a gruesome subject, it`s like being a butcher in a muggle world with all the dead animal organs used. Well I hope they are dead anyway. I mean do we really need to kill a rat for their spleen so we won`t have a headache. No, we don`t but I sure ain`t going to tell Snape that , so I let Draco deal with that. By that I mean the chopping.

Potions is kind of like cooking maybe that`s why I don`t like it. Cooking is a chore. _And if I burnt anything than I was burnt and that's Vernon`s idea of equality._ Twisted isn`t it?

He is way too obsessed with his food they all are well maybe not Petunia she`s too bony if anything don`t know how she married a whale. A horse and a whale and a pig, what a weird family and then there`s the freak if you count it, they don`t. And the freak if you haven`t already guessed is I. Even in the Wizarding world I`m a _freak,_ and if that isn`t irony than I don`t known what is.

"Hey, Harry you can stop stirring" a voice sifts through my disturbed haze as always

I look down into the cauldron and the potion I have probably ruined.

"M`sorry" I mutter softly under my breath as the shyness begins its sorry attack.

"That`s what happens when you daydream, did you know that you have the shortest attention span I have ever seen in my eleven years" he comments.

I laugh quietly in response. "You sounded mature until you said eleven" I taunt back.

"I`m nearly twelve" he replies with great hand gestures as if it will make his age more important and more grown up.

"And I don`t have a short attention span" I answer back.

He looks at me in disbelief with wide eyes as if I've just disclosed some shocking information.

"I think the potion is ruined" Draco states quietly.

"I can predict our deaths from here, Snape is going to kill us for as he will say `letting the Slytherin's down` and for our `inadequate work`, sounds enjoyable I can`t wait" I comment.

"He won`t kill me, I`m his godson" Draco says smugly with a smirk on his face like its been engraved their since the day he popped out, elegantly of course can you imagine it being messy. Not that its something I really want to envision. Yep, definitely don't want to see that.

"Right" I reply sardonically.

"I am actually, so he`ll probably kill you" Draco states.

"I`m too young to die" I joke. And then we both start laughing.

Until a glare from Snape shuts us up.

With an instruction from Snape to bottle the vial the ruined potion is emptied into a vial and sent to the front. I make eye contact with Draco only to find his eyes pierced on our overly stirred potion, thanks to me. He looks over them vanishes the lot and then begins to lecture us on what is deemed appropriate for potion making and what we are doing that is inappropriate. After his extremely long winded lecture ends, finally. The class collects our bags and as we hurry to exit the dungeons a call stops me.

"Mr Potter, a word" a familiar smooth voice speaks.

I look back catching Snape's cold black eyes and nod at Draco to go to his next class telepathically of course.

"You can leave Draco. Sit Mr Potter" he directs me to a tall black chair at opposes his in an office filled with eerie ingredients, I'm guessing it's his office it`s not something I can imagine the other teachers having. It practically screams go away I'll make you into potion ingredients . I wonder if you can actually make students into potion ingredient's, although I don't think that would stop him.

I look around in curiosity and in slight dread only for it to be interrupted.

Why am I always getting interrupted I think bitterly as I stare at his emotionless face.

"Mr Potter, I heard that you came to my class injured this week" he recalls as he gazes at my face with that still studying expression that can't be erased.

"Yes, Professor" I reply cautiously awaiting him to hand out a detention.

"How come you didn't go straight to the Infirmary as soon as you were aware of your injury" he asks.

"It wasn't that important" I answer plainly.

Snape raises an eyebrow in response as he looks over me.

"I assure you Mr Potter, a broken ankle and a concussion is important, you should of called for help or gone to the infirmary"

"It wasn't that painful" I deny haughtily.

The black eyebrow raises higher.

"There's no need to be stubborn, even so Mr Potter" he replies smoothly.

I nod my head as my eyes find themselves staring downwards at the wooden floor.

"If you are hurt you can go to the infirmary, okay Mr Potter" he enquires his eyes still piercing into my inky hair.

"Yes, Sir" I answer diligently.

"Get to class, Mr Potter" he answers back with a fluid motion to the door.

Nodding I thank him whatever this was and walk back to the next class. As I try my hardest to forget what just happened.

...

A few days later and it was nearing Halloween and my mood dropped not that it was ever truly high to begin with. I spent more days panicking in bathrooms over scars they couldn't see. And Draco and Hermione were still molycoddling me so there was no escape there.

And then it came Halloween and they were all so happy and discussing about all the sweets there going to get and how excited they are about the Halloween feast. Where as all I could think was today was the day my parents died and here they are fussed about sweets. I'm getting worked up about nothing, my parents are dead they aren't coming back. If they did figuratively come back they'd be disappointed and I know this because I think about this too often. They'd expect a happy normal Gryffindor kid not a freak of wizard that was a Slytherin and that lived under some stairs in a cupboard and learnt to cook breakfast before he could _read_. Yes they certainly wouldn't expect that. They certainly wouldn't want that, _no one wants a freak_ says a voice in my head that always sounds like Vernon.

"Harry" a voice asks.

I ignore it. I'm not in the mood to talk and try pretend to be happy for some feast when Voldemort killed my mum and my dad and cursed me with a scar and unpleasant fate. I look downwards threading the robe in my fingers as I try to remove myself from my mind, it doesn't work. I don't think it ever did. I wish it did.

"Harry, look up" the voice utters again.

I carry on playing with my robe trying to pretend that today was just an ordinary day. Where I'm not going to think about my parents or have nightmares about Voldemort and an unnatural green light. But it's not. And it's going to happen and I've got to suck it up sooner or later and I'm just drawing attention to myself.

A clicking motion pokes at my ear.

I carry on thinking. I can't keep acting this way , it isn't what Slytherins do. Slytherins are strong and smart and cunning. I'm a klutz who fell down some stairs and can't even transfigure a needle and Draco would probably label me as an emotional Hufflepuff.

A small tap on the shoulders stops it, the annoying constant thoughts. As I flinch back in fear expecting to see a purple veiny forehead complete with multiple grotesque chins not to mention a greying moustache. Instead I see Draco with his pointed features and his concerned face, compete with his pale gelled hair. A sigh of relief escapes me before I can even explain myself.

"Harry" an anxious voice utters, so different form Draco's voice but it is Draco's voice.

"Yes, what's the matter" I reply dazedly.

He laughs slightly but it doesn't sound amused more worried if possible.

"Are you alright" he questions his voice taking a panicky tone.

"Why wouldn't I be alright?" I question back my voice taking a different tone to his a defensive one.

"You were daydreaming for longer than usual, you spend too much time in your head. You should come down to earth more often" he jokes but it doesn't seem that amusing more honest if anything.

"I don't daydream" I deny.

"And I don't have blonde hair" he replies back his voice full of sarcasm.

He throws a hand towards me which I grasp after a minute or two when I dumbly realise he isn't going to hit me and he isn`t Dudley. And then the day passes slowly or quickly I don't have an idea, all I recall are frequent taps and worried faces and Draco piling more food onto my plate. And me like the zombie I am inside just eating it or nodding my head whilst I try to forget how my mother screamed when the green light hit her and I shouldn't remember but I do. I remember.

Soon the feast I finished and we head up to our dormitories. And I have the nightmare I predicted I would have and if Draco slipped into my bed half way through the night then I don't mention it.

And with hands threading through my hair like Hermione does sometimes I sleep without seeing green lights.


	12. Breathe

**Hello everyone, first of all I have WIFI. Okay sorry I'm just super happy because it means I can update it more often. Ooh and thank you for the review it made me laugh and don't worry I`ll be very sure to remember that information *wink*. So in this chapter we will see an anxious Harry and a worried Draco, we will also switch to Draco`s Pov and I hope that I wrote Draco okay but he's quite a hard character to write for .I have also finally plucked up the courage to post my new story about Harry having an eating disorder although the twist is that he`s a Malfoy, so obviously its not Drarry although there will be some brotherly cute love, after a while because Harry`s a sarcastic anxious arse.. So if you like this story check out my new one, warning though they maybe a little similar because its my style of writing. Right enough of tooting my horn here's the chapter I promised you about if you like it please leave a review, a favourite, or follow (I love all my many followers), or just scroll anonymously whilst you talk about how out of canon it is in your head. And believe me its so out of canon because I'm pretty sure Voldemort is dead in this... Fuck. Anyway enough profanities here it is, (angsty chapter guys so buckle up, and when angsty I mean sad because I'm pretty sure I cried writing this, so sorry!) Trigger for anyone with anxiety or panic disorder.**

 **Breathe**

* * *

"Harry, are you awake" a soft voice utters closely, mimicking a voice from a few days ago.

Blearily and reluctantly I open my eyes , to see the ever so famous Malfoy platinum hair.

I flinch back almost instantaneously when I notice that he's in my bed.

Obviously not in that context. I'm eleven and we`re probably straight and I'm also a scarred freak so there's also that to ponder on.

"No" I half mumble back with eyes open full of sleep.

"Liar" he jokes as he taps my arm to which I flinch from as if he's going to hit me. But`s he not Dudley and I _wish_ I knew that.

But I don't and I'm not sure if I ever will.

And then he proceeds to give me an odd look in response to my freakish movement, which is just great.

"Why are you in my bed" I ask meekly.

He chuckles loudly in response, too loud for my barely awake ears if you want my opinion.

"You were having some kind of nightmare. I was a bit worried about you there and I wasn't getting much sleep either, so I thought I`d see I could calm you down and I did. Nothing scandalous so don't worry too much Potter" he smirks wildly and looks way too awake for someone at 7 in the morning.

Trust Draco to be a morning person, although usually I am up early.

"Names Harry" I remind him not liking how he called me Potter.

He just laughs like usual ,as if I'm actually funny.

"I know you idiot. Now hurry up and get dressed in the bathroom like you always do" he points out, whilst looking wistful as ever.

I didn't think he realised I got changed in the bathroom. Although he saw me get changed once and that didn't end well. Something about me being too skinny and him being freaked out and ooh lets not forget the bit where I fall down the stairs and break my ankle whilst getting a concussion.

I nod my head at him and grab my robes that still look more like dresses and head towards the bathroom like always according to Draco.

Pulling off my best pyjamas, which is actually a cheap top I had to buy a few months ago. I mean I couldn't go to Hogwarts with all of Dudley`s clothes. Albeit that is most of my trunk, I only have a few of my own but that's only because of my vault. Thank god for my vault.

And as I pull of my top, I can`t help but release a sigh. I mean I do it every time I don't see the scars, or the bruises but I think they`re gone. Well hopefully. I'm just terrified that one day this `glamour` is going to stop. Then they`ll see me for what I am.

 _A freak. Nothing but a scarred repulsive freak_.

And that thought scares, it scares me so much. That they will wake up one day and see them. And know just how _darn_ pathetic I am.

"Harry" Draco sharply yells.

I flinch but not to his understanding.

"What are you doing in there. Gazing at your oh so wonderful reflection. We have class you idiot" he carries on yelling.

"You think my reflection is wonderful, thanks Draco " I yell back.

In response to that I hear him mutter something that sounds like shut up,which I'm not that surprised about.

I sigh quietly as I quickly put my school robes and other necessities on. Whilst brushing my teeth at the same time as I'm the classic multi-tasker. After I have brushed my teeth and got dressed, I slip out of the bathroom and notice Draco`s annoyed face boring into mine with what seems to be exasperation.

"And the princess is done" he drawls out sardonically as ever.

"Just waiting for my prince" I reply in the same tone.

He just sniggers and grabs my arm as we rush out of the dorm and as we are about to rush down the stairs, hands enclose my wrists.

"No, running"

I look him up and down in confusion "what?" I question.

"Really? you fell down these stairs, so take your time Harry for once. You know your wrist is insanely small" he points out as his hands stop enclosing mine and for some reason I feel a little colder. Like with Draco`s touch I feel warmer for some reason. Although there`s no time to think about body temperatures as Drao`s already walking down the stairs and well I'm following him and its not as if I want to fall again. Then they`d swap the name of the boy who lived for the boy who`s determined to die by his own inane clumsiness. Though that names a little long its not going to catch on any time soon.

After we completed the long stealthy walk down the stairs, slowly of course. What else with Draco's stupid protective nature.

I don't get it, you know. Their protectiveness it just doesn't make sense. Shouldn't they want me to get _hurt?_ Dudley did and I think that I'm okay with that. Isnt that what freaks deserve anyway, to be hurt. And I have been hurt _plenty, too much_. So that's what I don't get, are they protective over me because they pity me or something, maybe it`s cause they are waiting for the perfect time to hurt me. I mean Draco's smart and so is Hermione so they are probably just trying to lure me into a false security so they can hurt me.

After all that makes sense. No one protects a freaks and freaks they don't need protecting because they`re used to it, pain, they aren't worth the protecting. I'm not worth it, okay?

I wish people would understand that.

But I don't think they do and my life has and always will be an elaborate joke on me.

I'm just tired of it. Of being the freak.

A click sounds loudly through the air with the wave of a hand and I know what`s happened because this happens all too often. I get lost up there and Draco watches on.

"What do you think about?" he asks with a sad kind of curiosity.

"Sorry?" I reply in confusion.

"You`re just always lost in there. And I don't know how to get you out" he replies solemnly with no touch of sarcasm or amusement just a serious kind of sadness.

It takes me a while to respond. And this time I can`t persuade myself that he doesn't care and because of that I feel guilt. Because he cares and I promised myself that I`d never let anyone care about me ,that I`d keep my distance.

Maybe promises are made to broken. I'm not sure if I want him to care or not because people who care, _they leave._

And now he's thinking about my wellbeing. Like anyone cares about poor Harry Potter.

And then I hear him mutter something under his breath that sounds like "this is another example".

And then that annoying Vernon voice I`ve dubbed it as goes another example of _being a freak, an abnormality._

I don't think Vernon would use the word abnormal, its more of a word Petunia would use and the sad thing I can distinctly remember her calling me like its being burned into my skin. And it has. I mean Vernon has burnt me, he thinks its funny or something and that day I didn't do my chores on time.

 _I wish I did._

It hurt quite a lot and he laughed. And told me to suck it up because I deserved it and men don't cry, even if they are _freaks._

That day I stopped crying.

And in return he left a long burn mark on my thigh that doesn't come of with any extended amount of scrubbing in the shower.

And I guess you can say I never burnt any of his food again.

"Breathe, Harry. Hey it`s okay just breathe follow my breaths, you can do it" a distant voice instructs.

I look around probably crazily in confusion because for a second I thought I was there, with him.

And I definitely thought I wasn't here or most importantly I forgot who I was with.

And it never came to my attention before but now I realised that I can`t truly breathe

Maybe that voice was talking to me.

God, why can`t I breathe.

Now I'm all too aware of the fact I can`t breathe which consequently makes my breathing entirely worse. And my heart is thumping so hard like its going to give out.

I see a blurry Draco looking on in worry and I try and shift closer towards the wall because its just so crowded and I'm not sure where we are.

And people they just feel too close. Too nearby and I want them to go away, I want it all to go away.

Can I go away?

* * *

 **Draco PoV**

One minute we were walking slowly down the staircase because Harry really doesn't need to fall down another staircase. And I`d really not like to have another lecture about Harry`s safety from Hermione.

And then the next minute everything just went _wrong._

Harry has quite possibly the shortest attention span of anyone I have ever met and I have met a lot of inattentive people but Harry well he's a new level. And its not as if its in a pompous arrogant self absorbed way. Although if I'm honest I did think Harry Potter was sure to be like that and I had it all planned out. Make friends with Harry or Potter at the time, then untarnish the Malfoy name and so on. And then I met him and he was so unlike what I thought he`d be. I mean yes he did knock me over, which looking back on is quite amusing, he really is quite clumsy.

Of course like the rest of the Wizarding World I expected I did not Harry to go into Slytherin. Every Potter has always gone to Gryffindor according to Father. So as you can see it came a quite a shock to find out that Harry Potter was a snake not a foolish Gryffindor.

I`m not sure what I was expecting but I didn't expect what I saw.

He was small. And that doesn't give it justice, it really doesn't because Harry Potter was _tiny_. And you didn't need to weigh him to realise he was very skinny. It wasn't really until later on that I saw just how skinny Harry was.

And it was truly _terrifying._

Sure I knew he was skinnier than average I mean that much was obvious.

But I saw what lied under heavy cloaks and it was scary and even I a Malfoy can admit that.

His ribs jutted out sharply and you could count each one way to easily, along with his pure hipbone that had no fat on it. I knew he didn't eat normally, that was also really quite obvious.

He had small plates of food and it was never anything that looked appealing or flavoursome it was mostly just tiny portions of bland food that went half eaten.

Then I met Hermione and we seemed to have the same trail of thought, after I got over the heritage muggle thing.

We were protective of Harry and for good reason.

Here I`ll list them for you:

One, Harry was clumsy. And its not meant as some rude word to describe him but he really was and maybe that's because he spent so much time in his head.

Two, he didn't really like people all that much and I know that doesn't make much sense but most of the time it was more of not a dislike but more of an issue that he was scared of people.

Three, he didn't eat much and he was small for his age, _too_ small.

Four, he never acknowledged when he was hurt like he didn't want to bother you. Which meant you had to watch out for him a bit more.

Five, he was in his head a lot and looked entirely too anxious most of the time.

Six, he was just a kind person and friends look out of each other.

And for some reason I felt very protective of Harry and not in a possessive creepy way.

It was really because Harry was _very_ innocent.

Sure he's a Slytherin and he's cunning as they come but he had a sense of innocence that most people don't have to them.

The way he got excited about Pumpkin Juice, which was adorable if you're asking.

How he didn't know much about the Wizarding world and how his face lit up when he found out something new.

He apologised way too much. Seriously he really did need to stop that.

He wasn't like any of my friends and that's what I liked.

The only issue was although he was innocent.

It seemed as though he was troubled.

He had this look in his eye that you only see in people who fight in wars and I've seen it because of some of the people Father introduced me too.

Then there were his nightmares.

I knew he was hiding something. I know he's hiding something and its hurting him.

 _So_ very much.

I just wish I knew what it _was._

It was a normalish day. Harry had a nightmare and I helped him go back to sleep. I got dressed and out of bed,he stupidly didn't so I told him to the bathroom because he never liked getting changed in front of me. It was quite odd really but I suspected it was because of how skinny he was and he hated being reminded of that. He took a while in the bathroom more longer than normal, which was saying something. I mean I thought I spent a long time in the bathroom but no Harry he puts me to shame. Is it really my fault that I want nice hair but all Harry did was get dressed really so I never quite understood how it took him so long.

He was quiet this morning. Sure he was sarcastic but he seemed more subdued than usual. Although that could of been because of yesterday and he wasn't really there yesterday. So, we or more like I ,went down the stairs and Harry very reluctantly followed. Then we exited the common room although I don't think he noticed. He was very much so in his head today more than usual.

So I brought him out of it as I always did with a click of my hands.

And I plucked up the courage to ask him what he thought about because he was lost in there so much.

So he threw a classic polite Harry move and then I told him the truth.

That I couldn't get him out of there.

Then he kind of disappeared. Mentally not physically. He went back there and his eyes kind of glazed over and it was different like he was seeing something ,that wasn't really there.

He looked so small and terrified.

And I was also terrified.

So as I do in times that I shouldn't I muttered something about this being an example of him getting lost up there. It got worse some how. One minute he was standing and the next he was backing away and pushed to the wall by an invisible force. His breathing went from normal to heavy and ragged. His face visibly paled to a Malfoy colour.

And I just terrifyingly watched on whilst trying to recognise what happened.

And then I was saved.

I saw the redhead that helped us last times. Sure he was a Weasley but he helped Harry and that was all that mattered. So I yelled "Fred" loudly in my high pitch voice and because he seemed to be skipping class he stopped. Thankfully he stopped, noticed who I was and came over.

"Who do I need to carry this time Malfoy" he joked with a red eyebrow raised.

"No, I need you. It`s Harry`s breathing and he`s not okay, like really not okay. I don't know what's happening all of a sudden he was daydreaming than he was-"

"Okay. Right, c`mon then lets go find the tiny one" he interrupts but right now I couldn't care less.

Fred immediately spots him and looks on with a concerned face that's probably similar to mine.

"How long has been like this?" he questions.

"Five minutes or so" I reply as I stare at Harry`s face.

And its only then that it hits me. Harry is crying and Harry is not the crying type. He really isn't, he treats emotions like people and he avoids people, so that says something. It just dawns on me how serious it is. And he doesn't even notice it. He`s sat there with his back pushed against the wall with a face so white he could be a ghost, with tears rushing down his sickly cheeks and hands that are shaking like mad. And his eyes are crazed and scared and don't even get me started on how unstable his breathing is.

Fred treats him kind of how you would treat a stray neglected puppy. With small controlled movements and he crouches in front of Harry as he turns back to me with a deadly serious face that doesn`t suit the prankster.

"He`s having a panic attack. Stay back there and don't crowd him, I`ll try calm him down and if that doesn't work we`ll find a professor" he speaks in a soft gentle voice and I just nod cowardly.

As I watch Fred`s delicate movements and soft words. I'm not sure if it`s working.

Then Harry kind of comes back sort of, he isn't breathing right but he's here and not in his head. And that is a lot more than we had a minute ago.

Fred is still talking a bit about breathing and he`s whispering about matching his breathing with his, which is a good idea. Harry makes eye contact with Fred and its all so heart breaking.

"I think I`m dying" Harry rushes out his breath becoming even more rushed and my worry increases along with his unstable breathing.

And then Fred the saviour, the hero reassures us all.

"No, you`re not dying. Just feels like it okay. You need to breathe buddy don't talk, breathe" he assures and I let out a breath of relief, which is what I would like Harry to do right now. And then after a few minutes which feels like hours his breathing slows down and sounds kind of choked but semi -normal as you can be when you`ve just had a panic attack.

I walk a bit more closer still keeping my space but seeing if he looks any better. He`s still pale and I think he's stopped crying, his hands are still worryingly shaking. And Fred is comfortingly rubbing his arm as he hushes out soothing words. And he may not be okay right now. But he`ll be okay later and at that thought I crouch down on the floor like Fred, as I rub a tear out of my eye, that definitely wasn't there before.

But somehow I ignore the voice that says that Malfoy`s don't cry.

Because Harry is the _exception._


	13. Listen

**Hello, I'm honestly amazed with the reviews, 6 reviews guys I can`t even its amazing that someone likes this story , anyway thank you and I'm going to respond to some of them now. One ,I can`t promise I won`t lay off Harry because I have a lot more angsty things coming up (so beware). Two from guest, thanks for being honest I wasn't all that keen on Malfoy view either, its hard to write his charter and do it with a certain charisma, so yes I will with joy stick to Harry`s view after all he is my favourite character. Three ,yes Dumbledore and the Dursley`s should go to hell, we could make it a joint trip and save money. Four ,Harry does need to realise that they are his friends but Harry is a victim of abuse and has been for most of his life so as you can imagine he does have trust issues and he`s quite insecure that they are all going to leave him and that is going to affect him of course. And for the other two thank you for being lovely :). Okay, so this chapter will be after the panic attack and will probably include a very protective Draco and bit of a sick Harry but not too much. Also, I'm going to try my hardest to not make this a Ron bashing Story but its hard because Ron doesn't like Slytherin's. However if you want a loveable protective Ron that the fandom deserves because Ron is adorable and I'm going to fight anyone that disagrees with that fact, then check out my other Harry Potter story (to be light). I'm going to try and make this chapter longer because I'm going on holiday next week and I'm not sure I`ll have time to update but I can always sneak away ,assuming they have bloody Wi-Fi.**

 **Enough ranting and plugging, here`s the chapter I hope you like it and if you did leave a review, a follow (I love my followers you are amazing) or a favourite.**

 **Ps. I'm not sure what I think of this chapter, its not as angsty as the last one.**

 **Leave me your thoughts!**

 **Listen**

* * *

I look upwards and find myself staring into warm blue eyes that aren't Draco`s but Fred`s. I attempt to breathe but it sounds like a strangled cat noise, not that I know what that really sounds like to be honest. I'm not entirely what Fred is trying to say, its sounds kind of distant and it echoes in the air making my head feel more anxious and I can`t ignore the fact that my breathing is more messed up than my childhood.

I don't really know how, to breathe that is.

So I try my hardest to not see _him_. Vernon that is, burning me because I burnt his breakfast. I can still feel the way my skin felt when the metal pressed into my thigh and the smell of burning flesh filled my nose.

"Harry match my breathing with yours, okay? Just in and out" Fred`s voice rings slightly in my ear leaving me feeling kind of tingly.

I connect my eyes with Fred`s calm warm blue eyes and try to listen to his instructions but its hard when you feel like your heart is going to give out. The matching breathing bit is even harder if possible because everytime I try to breathe in, it feels like its going to be my last breath. When I was little I often thought about death and not in the way little kids do. It sounded peaceful, I thought that if I died in the car crash with my mum and dad. Then everyone one would of been happier that's what Petunia said and it made sense, twisted sense but still sense.

Now I wasn't quite so sure.

This wasn't peaceful. My head was filled with cotton wool, kind of like when I was concussed but not, I felt dizzy like I was going to crash into the ground. My heart was going so fast it feels as if its going to stop. My body was trembling slightly and I felt like I was going to throw up, I also felt like I was going to die. And it wasn't pleasurable, it wasn't like the floating darkness I got after too many strikes with Vernon`s belt. It was terryfing and just then I noticed wetness leaking from my eyes. Yet I felt so out of control I couldn't find it in myself. To care.

And in that moment I felt that I was truly going to die. So as you do I tried to warn Fred.

"I think I'm going to die" and the effort it took me to say that one sentence was utterly pathetic. My lungs carried on burning and my head was swimming in anxiety and it was so dark.

 _Like I was trapped in the cupboard again._

"No you`re not dying. Just feels like it. You need to breathe buddy don't talk, breathe" Fred replies in a calming tone that doesn't make me feel the need to push myself further into the wall.

I'm not going to die. Well not by the hand of anxiety anyway. The likelihood is that I'm going to die by Vernon's hand instead which is probably worse.

So I try my hardest to push the burning feeling out of my lungs and exhale. After a few times it doesn't feel as hard but the feeling of anxiety doesn't really leave just weakens, its still there looming in my head making me doubt everything but right now I can breathe, well a bit at least. Then Fred moves slightly closer and to my surprise I don't flinch away but its probably because I'm so tired, that I actually don't have the energy to flinch.

He rubs my shoulder slightly in a way that's kind of soothing and new. I mean people don't comfort freaks. That just doesn't happen. I bury my head into Fred`s shoulder and he surprisingly wraps his arm around my shoulder.

"You`re okay now" he whispers into my ear soothingly.

Maybe I could believe him, if I didn't feel like I was going to throw up.

And the nausea well that replaces some of the anxiety, so I painfully remove myself from Fred`s shoulder and try and signal to Draco who is now beside me that I'm going to throw up. To my surprise he understands my made up kind of sign language and dives for a wastebasket. Luckily just in time as well because as soon as the basket hits the ground my vomit hits the basket, violently may I add. My still annoyingly shaking hands enclose the wastebasket. Someone's hands are rubbing my back, which is probably Fred because he's sat at that kind of angle. And Draco has spoken up and is saying to get it all out.

What does he think I'm doing?

Just casually holding back.

I mean ,really?

After a few more disgusting violent retches, there isn't anything to puke up anymore only stomach acid. Thankfully they realised my now qualified incompetence of throwing up. And as the wastebasket disappears the realisation hits and at least this time it isn't so literal.

"Are you feeling better, Harry?" Fred asks as my back hits the wall once more but this time not in anxiety just in fatigue.

"Think so" I reply back my voice pathetically weak.

Then again I have just discovered breathing again and I'm never taking that for granted again you could say.

"What was that?" I ask as I rub my eyes.

Fred doesn't even hesitate, before he asks.

"Panic attack. Is that your first one?"

"I-er think so, though I`ve had similar feelings before" I mumble back my eyes glued to my hands that are still shaking, I wipe the spittle off my mouth, disgusting I know and wait for the yelling. If panic attacks aren't normal than that's just one more thing to add to my list of freakish things. So now I'm even more of a freak. And now that Draco knows how utterly pathetic I am, that's our friendship gone.

"They`re more common than you think, okay? If you feel that again okay just tell someone, don't wait till you fall down on the stairway and a ginger handsome man has to save his damsel" he laughs and makes some odd eye contact with Draco, who looks very worried. Then again Draco is what you would call a worry wart, whatever that actually means. Although that would be hypocritical of me to say after I just had a panic attack.

"I`ve got George to meet, don't be a stranger buddy, I`ll always be your cursed red haired hero" and with that Fred leaves a piece of parchment held tightly in his hands as he walks through he large doors.

And in his leave Draco attacks.

His inner Hermione comes out and he swallows me in a hug, which is odd he isn't the hugging kind of guy. Neither am I really, which is why I stiffen slightly in his arms but this doesn't scare him away actually he hugs tighter. He does smell nice though, I can`t explain it but he just feels safe. And you could say that is an emotion I haven't felt before.

All too soon I find I am released from my first Draco hug.

"God, Harry I was so worried. I swear one day I'm going to have a heart attack or worse develop a grey hair" in the wake of that realisation he actually checks his hair out.

"Maybe grey would suit you" I reply.

To which he gives me the are you stupid look.

"What about class?" I question because one again it hits me that we have missed well probably quite a lot of time, due to my impromptu freakiness'.

"You can probably take it off, since you threw up like six times. So we should probably see Madam Pompfrey about that, since Professor Snape is in class" he explains as a determined expression appears on his face.

Then we are up, unfortunately. Draco`s hand has a tight grip on my shoulder and for good reason because I do feel a little dizzy. Only a little we make our at to the infirmary and not at my insistence I would rather hide somewhere no one would find me and I wouldn't be hassled.

After a few minutes we arrive at the infirmary and Madam Pompfrey rushes into the room.

"Mr Potter, here so soon. Do you purposely get hurt" She asks sternly.

I look at her my hands still pathetically shaking.

"No, sorry" I reply back meekly as ever.

She makes weird eye contact with Draco, which everyone seems to do these days.

That's it I hate eye contact. I think we should ban that.

"What's the matter?" she enquires her voice more softer.

Although I can`t quite find it in myself to reply, instead I just feel kind of ashamed.

 _Freak_ my mind utters.

 _That's what freaks do, let people down._

 _`Just a scrawny, ignorant, abnormal freak`_

In my absence of speaking, Draco seems to notice my pattern of freakish thoughts and speaks up because I of course am too pathetic to reply.

"Harry had a panic attack about fifteen minutes ago. And then after his panic attack he threw up which was quite violently so he isn't well enough for class" Draco informs his eyes scanning over my body, in a mother hen kind of way.

Madam Pompfrey seems a little bewildered at the information but soon gets over it as she nods and disappears for a few minutes, coming back with a potion.

"This is the draught of peace, which should remedy any anxiety you may have left. So take I `d say a small gulp of this" she passes me a bottle filled with blue gloopy liquid that smells rather unusual.

Grasping the bottle in my weak shaking hands I swallow it back, grimacing at the taste as I pass the bottle back. Then everything seems less on edge and the world seems more calm, its very different to muggle medicine it kicks in very quickly. Although I never really got a lot of muggle medicine, the Durlsey`s said they didn't like spending money on freaks. Then they just shut me in my cupboard so I wouldn't spread any of my contagious freaky germs about.

You could say it was a very lonely painful period of time.

"Right, I`d suggest to spend the day in your dorm as you are probably to ill to go back to lessons. I can`t say I'm entirely comfortable leaving you alone, Draco would it be okay if I excused you from lessons to look over Harry" She asks her eyes gazing at Draco next to me with a smile.

At this question Draco seems to look a lot more relaxed.

"Yes that's fine, thank you Madam Pompfrey" He replies.

After that she gives Draco a potion and tells him to give it to me in a few hours. After ten minutes of warnings, we make our way out of the infirmary Draco`s hand gripping my shoulder still.

"Sorry" I mutter shyly tilting my head towards the floor.

"What for?" Draco questions nonchantly.

"For making you miss class, you don't to watch me. I'm sure you have more interesting things to do" I reply honestly because I mean why would he skip a day to babysit a freak who has actually never been babysat. Unless you count Miss Figg but that was more me watching cats that really needed to take a bath but at least whenever I went there, which wasn't often. I got fed, which was nice. There's only so many hours and days you can stay conscious with your stomach eating itself.

And yet I _survived_ somehow. The pain of hunger and beatings seemed insignificant to the isolation though.

I shake my head and look up at Draco who seems to be sighing deeply like he's kind of troubled or something.

"You don't need to apologise for everything. Its not like I`d listen in class anyway you idiot. I don't know how many times I have to tell you, do I have to stand up in the common room and announce it? I care about you and you well worried me earlier so I`d like to see to it that you get better, okay? Its not like some painful task, I get to miss history and spend time with best friend, not exactly woeful" he drawls out.

A blush spreads to my cheeks as he calls me his best friend. Its got to be a lie, two months ago I didn't even have a friend and now someone is claiming that I'm there best friend. Maybe my birthday wish kind of did come true, even if it there were no candles or cake. After that heartfelt moment we arrive at the common rooms and with the password we climb more stairs. How many stairs does this damn castle need. Is there way of making us exercise? I think if Dudley went to Hogwarts he would of passed out by now.

After the treachourus task of walking, we head to the ostentatious dorms. Which brings up the much needed question, do we really need four poster beds? Compare this to my two blankets at home on a I don't even really know what it is. There obviously isn't much comparison I know but its odd. Going from sleeping on the floor to a four poster bed, it feels wrong. I don't feel normal enough to sleep on the bed, like I'm contaminating it with my freakishness.

After the long walk I collapse pretty much onto my bed. I never thought I`d say that, my bed. Taking my glasses off because even they say seem to heavy I lie down

"Hermione is going to smother you tomorrow" Draco says, I`d say he was joking but it seems far too realistic and nauseating, to laugh at. And I`d rather not think about nausea after I have thrown up.

"Don't remind me" I reply.

Although I can`t say I look forward to it. The only way people that wanted to smother me before Hogwarts was with a pillow, its seems laughable to even think someone would hug me. That's what I don't get. In the event of an apocalypse Petunia isn't going to hug me, Petunia would probably feed me to well whatever was being destroyed.

I can imagine it.

Take the freak, not us.

Then she`d probably cry about her blood spilt carpet and expect me to clean it up even though I'm like dead, whilst she fattens her Dudders, who is quickly developing type two diabetes.

Sometimes I really hate my overactive imagination.

And with that thought I close my eyes and attempt to smother myself to sleep.

It works, not the smothering bit, the sleeping.

* * *

"Up, come on you`ve been sleeping all day. I'm not missing tea" a voice yells into my ear.

To get rid of this in petulant voice I pull the pillow over my ears. It doesn't work sadly because Draco I'm guessing pulls it away. That's okay though I can still sleep without a pillow. Then he pulls off the blanket.

Can I still sleep without a blanket? Well I slept on the floor pretty much for ten years, so I`d say yes.

"Really?" Draco mutters.

Then he decides to tap me incessantly to which I of course flinch too. And then I painfully open my eyes too see his two pale grey eyes staring back me burning with indignation.

"Up, you already missed lunch" he demands and hands me my glasses.

I groan and put on my glasses and the world looks a tad more defined.

"How are you feeling? here take this ,its a stomach soothing potion. So you shouldn't feel any nausea when you eat" Draco passes over another weird shape bottle into my hands.

I throw back the disgusting tasting potion, I mean do they really need to taste awful what if the taste kills you before the health problem ,then well I guess we`d be dead.

"You didn't answer my question. How are you feeling?" he questions with a stern face.

"Fine" I reply blandly.

"Yes that's your response to everything, fine, fine ,fine. I swear you could have a leg dropping off and you`d be like oh that its fine, don't worry Draco I'm -"

"Draco, how are you feeling?" I asks because he seems kind of angry.

I don't like angry people you could say.

In response to this he just shoves my robes towards me and points towards the door.

I roll my eyes and slip the robe over my head and follow Draco out of the dorm.

"Draco you are really too melodramatic" I point out.

"Harry you really are too shy" he corrects.

"We contrast" I reply with a thin smile

"Call me a diva and we`re over" he jokes and then walk into the Great hall that is way too ostentatious, I mean a ceiling full of stars. Really? Can`t they stick with glow in the dark stars, although that would be kind of unmagical. As I sit down next to Draco, who for some reason seems to like me. Life doesn't seem so dark.

 _So I ignore the voice that says freaks don't sit at tables._

 _I ignore the voice that says freaks don't eat._

And push it to the back of my mind where I`ll see it in the summer.


	14. Empty Christmases

**Hello everybody! thank you for the reviews and the follows and the favourites and just the amount of people reading the story. I never expected anyone to read this and its nice to know people like it. I`d like to apologise for my appalling time management for some reason it always takes me too long to write a new chapter, so next time I`ll try to write a chapter quicker (I`ll try to make that a fulfilled promise not an empty promise). Anyway its now Christmas well not really but in my fanfic it is and I can`t help it ,I feel Christmassy. And so should you all after all Christmas is only 107 days away and that's about 2250 hours and 153027 minutes away. And I'm going to stop, I apologise to anyone for well being in the Christmas spirit in September but that's only because its cold in England and I'm writing about Christmas in this chapter. So it helps, okay? Back to the fanfiction, this chapter will have graphic abuse in so if this triggers anyone don't read it. (don't ignore trigger warnings) kay? I`ve ignored ones and let me tell you I wish now that I read them. This will include a flashback to Harry`s painful Christmases and will have general bits of self hatred all over it. One of these days I should write something happy in this story. Don't worry your angsty little souls for I will one day write FLUFF and maybe just maybe smut but they are eleven and I'm not writing creepy stuff like that. Maybe you`ll get a kiss and a cuddle in second year but that's all I'm promising.**

 **I'm going to stop rambling one day. I hope you enjoy this chapter and if you do review, follow, favourite or just read. Ooh and have a cup of tea or coffee whilst you`re at so you can feel even better because you all make my day :) ,pm for any questions or if you want a conversation.**

 **Ps. An angsty short chapter awaits you. It is shorter than normal for which I apologise but quality not quantity guys!**

 **Empty Christmases**

* * *

After the panic attack the weeks blended together. Everything was good, I didn't have anymore of the anxiety attacks and my glamour charm stayed on. Things were I guess you could say things were too good and every time things were alright my mind still went to this summer. And what will definitely happen this summer.

This summer where I`ll be the punching bag once more and seeing all of the other kids who have had happy normal childhoods, I can`t help it. _I'm jealous_ , why is it me? That awkward cringe question but yet its completely relevant to my situation, to my home life, to my personality. And then when I get on to that the question, the answer hits me almost instantly. That's what freaks get, freaks don't question their childhood because they deserved it and everything else they got.

And I deserved this.

All of it.

And do you know what I don't deserve?

Draco or Hermione that's what I really do not deserve to have friends like that.

And of course I would be thinking this while I sit in the empty dorm, full of empty beds and just my un-empty head. Turns out people with happy families go home for Christmas, so as you can guess I stayed at Hogwarts. I mean I'm not stupid enough to go back to the Dursley`s, I can imagine how that would go down. With the door slammed in my face and a blossoming bruise on my jaw. I remember telling Draco I was staying here for Christmas and he of course was shocked. He went on about how much he likes Christmas and how his mum makes him hot chocolate and how his dad who is usually reserved and formal attempts to cook much to the house elves displeasure. Then Hermione joined in on just how much their families loved them. At Hermione`s house they open their presents at their grandmas house after the great Christmas lunch and apparently her uncle always gets drunk. Then they started on other great families memories.

And then well I stopped listening.

Because as you can tell my past Christmases were a lot different.

They weren't filled with presents. They weren't filled with drunk uncles and hot chocolate. Instead they were filled with bruises, scars and an empty stomach that never went away not with any amount of water I drank from the sink when I cleaned the upstairs bathroom.

I remember all the past Christmases.

And I remember the first Christmas I cried myself to sleep. _I was four._

I remember the amount of presents I received, none. _Every single year._

I remember the Christmas where I first asked for a Christmas present. _I was seven._

I remember it too clearly.

* * *

 ** _Flashback_**

"Wake up, boy" a sharp yell awakes me.

Obediently I get up and then I realise its Christmas.

I never got a present from the Dursley's but today, maybe just maybe I`ll get one and maybe some lunch too.

I open the cupboard door and walk into the kitchen, flinching back slightly as Petunia glares at me. She points down to a pan and I quickly take over. Flipping the bacon and sausages, I can`t help but hope. I know the chances are small but still maybe this will be the Christmas where things finally change. After the fry up is done, I carefully plate up the food and put it down on the table as I go through washing up the pans and equipment, drying them just as carefully as I put them in their organised place. At the smell of food Dudley runs in and Vernon follows him smiling as he sits down until he catches my eye. And almost instantly the smile disappears replaced by an ugly sneer, his eyes glaze over as he looks at me with disgust. I think it was always this that hurt more than his belt and his fists.

The disgust. The humiliation I felt for being alive and for disgusting them and it didn't really make sense but that's okay because it made sense to me.

"Coffee" Vernon demands as he glares down at me.

I nod my head and run to the kitchen.

Standing on my tip toes with my hand up as far as it reaches I retrieve a mug from the cupboard and thankfully I do not drop it. That would certainly make things worse let me tell you that.

After pouring the bitter liquid in and stirring an absurd amount of sugar into the cup, I set it down next to Vernon as I ignore Dudley`s complaints on how Piers got the new Xbox and he got a PS2 and how that's completely unfair and how mummy and daddy are terrible for not getting him an Xbox.

Somehow I pluck up the courage in my seven year old brain to ask Vernon a question.

"Do I get a present this year?" I ask quietly my voice filled with a timid hope.

The kitchen goes completely silent at that.

Until Dudley begins sniggering.

Vernon`s face fills with fury and Petunia purses her lips as she looks at me coldly.

"We feed you" Vernon screams loudly his voice filled with anger.

 _In my head I think no you don't. I'm lucky to get a piece of food every couple of days._

"We give you somewhere to sleep"

 _No, you don't you give me a cupboard filled with bleach, spiders and me. And at night its so cold and dark that I have to hug myself asleep._

"We let you shower, we clothe you"

 _But the showers are always cold and the clothes are so big I drown in them ,not to mention how tattered they are._

"And you have the dignity to ask for more. You selfish, ungrateful, freak. If I had my wish you would be at an orphanage but no because Petunia here is a selfless kind hearted woman we took you in. And this is how you pay us, by asking for more even though you are practically stealing food from Dudley`s mouth. Tell me how much do you want a present boy?" He thunders his voice echoing off the walls.

"A lot" I mumble back as I wish I kept my mouth shut. I stare down at the tiled floor also wishing I could disappear right about now.

I don't of course. Because I exist, like it or not.

"If you want a present so much, go back to the Cupboard freak and I`ll make sure to give you something you`ll never forget" He bellows as he points towards the cupboard.

I spare a glance at Petunia`s face as I plead with my eyes, that she`ll say something that maybe she will just care.

Maybe I imagined it but I swear I saw pity in them for a second. And Dudley well he seemed positively thrilled with the idea of me getting punished, even more so then the idea of getting an Xbox and seconds.

I practically run back to the cupboard as I attempt to calm my breathing. This isn't good, this isn't good. Obviously I know what Vernon is giving me not a present. The only thing I`ll end up getting is a new scar or two but whats one or two scars to a collection. _Nothing, right?_

Heavy pattering footsteps sound from the hallway.

The cupboard door swings open and Vernon`s pigmented purple face appears with the same bulging vein and the triple chins.

He ducks under the door and makes his way in, somehow. Don't ask because I have no idea how he fits in the cupboard I`d say its magic but I'm not allowed to say that word and that has been beaten in to me for the whole for my life for some absurd reason.

He takes of his belt.

I take of my shirt.

The belt snaps over my skin again and again.

The sharp sound of leather and metal hitting the skin, fills the choleric air. Replacing the pungent smell of detergent with a worse smell, pain and disgust.

"This is the only present freaks deserve" he yells down at me as I smother my face in my too scratchy blanket, that doubles as a bed and well a blanket and now apparently a scream smother.

Don't cry. You`re not allowed to cry. Don't show him it hurts.

And it hurts, it hurts so much that hurt seems an understatement to the pain of the buckle that keeps hitting my skin harder and harder each time.

He doesn't stop.

Of course he doesn't. In fact he seems to grow more enthusiastic each time at the thought of causing me more pain with each slap of the buckle.

And as I wait in the seconds for the belt to become reacquainted with my back once more a single tear hits the floor and soon it isn't one but many.

I'm not so strong after all.

 _Pain will always control my body._

 _He will always control my body._

 _I will never control my body._

The belt slaps my skin once more, the rush of blood turning to oceans instead of puddles.

Then he stops, fixing his belt around his grotesquely large waist.

I move from my position and flinch back my body deciding to huddle against the wooden wall.

His fist meets my face. And he doesn't usually leave marks on my face but since its Christmas I guess. Its not like anyone is going to notice a black eye when they don't notice me at all.

"Merry Christmas, freak" he spits on my face as he speaks.

And with that he shuts the cupboard and the vent as he locks the cupboard door.

I wipe my face with the blanket and bring my knobbly blood splattered knees to my face.

And I cry.

The blood and my tears mixing with each other.

 _That day I developed a hatred Christmas._

 _That day I realised that things are better when I keep my mouth shut._

 _That day, I lost hope._

 _Freaks don't have faith after all._

 _Just bloodstained backs and spiders for friends._

 ** _End of flashback_**

* * *

Maybe you can see why now I hate Christmas. This year is no one near as bad. But it is as lonely. At least without the isolation of the cupboard this time but the dorm is perhaps too large, too exposed if that makes any sense to non-freaky people which of course it probably doesn't. After all Draco and Hermione went back home. And me of course I stayed and pretty much everyone else in school went home to their loving warm alive mum and dads. Do you detect my wide amount of envy in that statement.

Currently I'm in the library and maybe I can see why Hermione likes this place so much. Its quiet and undisturbed even though most of the students are at home.

"Harry" Fred calls out from well I don't really know where. I didn't even think they knew where this place is, they don't seem like the kind of people who want to study or read a book in the holidays unless it somehow helps with their pranks.

"It is us your beautiful saviours" George interrupts well at least I think its George but you never really know who is who with them pair.

"Come on ,we are having a snowball fight and you are on our team" Fred winks and grasps my arms. I flinch back and his eves fill with concern but then thankfully turn to amusement.

"If you do not move. I will carry you there and it isn't like I haven't done it before" Fred points out his face taking a bored expression as he looks around the library and moves closer to me.

Reluctantly I push myself up from the too comfortable library seat and follow Fred and George out of the library.

Fred then begins to wrap a scarf around my neck and then George slips woollen mittens onto my fingers.

"What's this fo-or" I stutter out as I look at the new accessories.

"We can`t let you go out unprepared-"

"And you`re especially small and I for one don't want Draco to have my head when you get a cold"

I chuckle aloud as we walk through the doors and make our ways onto the soft blanket of snow.

And I for one am glad I'm on their team because they are covering the other team quickly in white.

Perhaps the positive of this Christmas is I don't have to spend it alone in my cupboard, I can spend it with them instead.

It was always the loneliness that messed me up the most.

The isolation.

And summer well Summer is coming.

And soon this world will cease to exist till autumn.

But for now I can attack Gryffindor's with badly made snowboards. At least this will prove a good laugh with Draco, when he gets back that is.

I get lost in the snowball fight this time and not my thoughts.


	15. Never Quite Good Enough

**Wow, its been a while I know. I am the actually the worst person and I don't think any apologise can excuse my terrible time keeping. I didn't mean to leave it so long and its exam season for pretty much the whole year and when I've been relaxing, I've been reading (I'm huge fucking bookworm :). I'm sorry, please don't kill me. Anyway, thank you for all your reviews, they were all lovely as per usual and for the endings, thank you, you have given me some good ideas. Although I don't quite think the car will work with what I have planned. I love your views on the fanfiction it means a lot to me.I have also been writing on archive of our own, so, sorry I'm not being a traitor but I'm on a different fandom on there. This chapter will be Harry reuniting with Draco and we will see Hermione once more simply because I miss her presence. I'm not sure whether to include Ron or not? So review what you think, does anyone even read these A/N.**

 **If you like it leave a review, follow (thank you followers), favourite or scroll namelessly as you troll me for my awful creativity and grammar.**

 **Thank for reading my story so far, you have no idea what this means to me! Warning this is an angsty one, as per usual I cried whilst writing. Trigger warning for violent bullying but this was an idea I had ages ago, it had to happen and I wanted to write more insecure Harry because lets be real he's an insecure guy people but still loveable! I hope you like it, have a lovely day people. I'm interested to see if anyone is still reading this its been about two months, so if you're still here leave a review or a message:) Enjoy, I'm leaving this on a cliffy which hopefully means I`ll update soooon.**

 **Never Quite Good Enough**

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Christmas ended. And the holidays were over,once more.

As you can guess Draco had a brilliant time, when doesn't he. I love Draco don't get me wrong but seriously he came back more pretentious than usual and that is certainly saying something. It was all `father said` and `mother did this` and I'm probably just jealous, I mean where are my parents, _dead_. Not that they`d want me as a son to be honest, I don't think I`d make a good son, I'm not even a good person, just a pesky little freak, an _abnormality._

How was my Christmas? I mean I got presents. Which was weird, very weird. I should be thankful but it was too much, people don't need to buy me anything. Draco got me something fancy and Hermione got me a cute picture of us in a frame. Hagrid got me some weird pipe thing, anyway point is ,its too much. I should be happy any normal person would be happy with a gift, so why does it make me feel so uncomfortable?

Don't answer that, I know the answer. Vernon, of course, who else? Why don't I call my relatives uncle or aunty? Well its quite simple, I don't like them and they don't like me. Although I think our relationship has gone past dislike years ago, its more akin to hatred and fear.

"Harry" Draco yells in my ear.

"What?" I reply as I stare at the textured sofa, it really shouldn't be so soft.

"You aren't listening" he answers, his eyes particularly icy and more than usual. And I can tell he's not in a good mood. Which is bad because me and angry people just don't mix. I just end up with more scars and more bruises and a fragile self esteem. I also don't like people yelling either. Pathetic, right? But freaks aren't allowed to think that because _freaks are nothing, they deserve nothing and I am nothing._

"Why can`t you be like Hermione?, she always listens" he drawls out in a matter I can`t quite distinguish.

I don't reply of course because what can I even reply to that, me and Hermione are completely different.

Here I`ll list them for you: Hermione is intelligent and pretty much gifted with magic let`s be honest. Hermione has a family that don't beat and starve her, but love her which to me just sounds odd. Hermione is normal, infact she's above normal. Hermione also has parents that aren't dead. Hermione doesn't dream of her dead mother and her murderer, over and over again. Hermione doesn't have to live in a cupboard full of spiders without knowing when she's going to get to the toilet again because its been two days since you last was even outside of the cupboard. Hermione doesn't only own a bunch of broken soldiers and some baggy dirty clothes that you got from Dudley.

Do I sound jealous? Obviously I do I can`t really help it if I'm honest,like I said ever since Hogwarts, I guess I've come to terms with how different I am. I knew I was a freak but I didn't think it was so damn lonely. Everyone is normal and happy and untarnished. And I'm the opposite, it would be funny if it wasn't quite so _tragic._

"Harry are you there, we aren't doing this again I swear, mother says that zoning out is-" Draco drawls, I blur him out there`s only so much I can put up with.

"Look Hermione is over there" I point and Draco walks immediately over to Hermione without even a second glance. And then comes my other point of enlightenment. That I'm second choice, although if I'm being honest that's an upgrade, I was never usually second choice, I was never even an option. But it hurts because Draco-well he was my first friend, other than the pet spider Bob I used to have but Dudley stamped on his head, I never really got over that. Anyway that isn't really the point, I deserve this, god knows I deserve this. I was never really quite _good enough_ and I don't think I _ever_ will be.

I was stupid to ever think I mattered, I'm always the boy who grew up in the cupboard, I resemble a house elf and everyone knows what house elves are treated like. I'm worthless of course I am. I walk out of the library and go towards the stairs and I just walk. I don't quite know where I'm going and I don't think I care. I don't know why I allowed to care because freaks can`t care because that's all I am, _a freak._

Its times like this, I wish I died in that car crash or what I know now was a murder but surely my parents mattered much more than me, they could of had normal children instead of a damaged freak of an orphan. Turns out the wizarding world isn't much better than the muggle world, there is just no Dursley`s.

"Hey Potter" a voice shouts out from behind me.

I turn around, my eyes unfocused as I scan the corridor anxiously. A hand taps my shoulder and I turn around with a flinch that speaks more than my mouth will ever tell.

"You thought you`d get away it. Let me tell you something Potter, you weren't meant to be a Slimy snake. You were meant to be a Gryffindor" the boy says and to extenuate his belief ,he lands a punch to my stomach.

"I'm sorry" I mumble back of little coherency.

"Pathetic" the boy spits. As the red headed kid that looks vaguely like Fred and George, turns his head towards the stairs, "Quick" he whispers to the taller boy with long sweeping brown hair.

He lands another punch to my stomach as a boy from behind pushes me downwards.

"You`re a disgrace to your family. You're parents would of been disgusted knowing their son is a snake" he snarls as he shoves my head into the really hard wall, let me tell you concussion hard and I would know that because I've had way too many of those.

I try, I try really hard, to not think, to not feel, but its too much and yet its familiar. This is the only touch I will ever deserve and just as I think that a fist meets my nose. A crack echoes through the air and its obvious, I've broken it, _again._

"Little freak" the brown haired boy whispers. I flinch back into the wall as my heart continues to climb. Oh god they know, they _know_. I bow my head and wait, for this to be over.

I chant over in my head, its not Vernon, its not Vernon, its not Vernon, _its not Vernon_. And yet it doesn't quite work because that's all I can see. Punishment and that's what I always got, correction that's what I will always get.

"We have got to go" the red haired boy screams as he runs from the corridor. The other two boys follow as the last leaves a leaving gift on my arm. I wait for around a minute and then I quickly remove myself from the floor as I best as I can, with all my unknown injuries. I press my hands to the gaping wound from what I'm not sure because I knew they had no knives, they probably don't even know to use them. Its probably some stupid spell.

I make it slowly down the corridor until something catches, well my blurry eyesite. A cupboard, how bloody ironic, I mean that's where I belong and that's where I`ll always be. I open the cupboard door and pull on the little light switch and close the door and I breathe. I hate cupboards but only when I'm locked in and I'm not locked in, not here, I'm safe there's a difference. This time, its me and not him. I stretch my legs out and fold them under my head and I cry. I cry, for everything. For my dead parents, for all my too many broken bones, for every lie and every carefully covered scar. I cry for every friendship I've never made and the ones I have or I don't. I cry for the fact, that I`ll never fit in, I cry for all my empty stomach and I just cry, for _everything_. Why can I only cry in a cupboard? that's repression for you.

After my quiet cries because I can`t cry loudly, that was about the only thing Vernon actually managed to beat out of me and my self esteem but I don't think I've ever had one of those. I just mask it with fear, fear of being found out for what I am. Fear of seeing Vernon again, fear that Draco and Hermione are going to ditch me when they find out what a loser I am. Fear that I'm going to get kicked out of Hogwarts.

I'm such a coward, its no wonder I didn't get into Gryffindor. I look upwards, as I try my hardest to ignore that ball of anxiety that's slowly rising. I wipe my pathetic eyes with the sleeve of my robe as I try and ignore that part of my brain that says, have a sense of decorum because you don't have that when you have a small breakdown in a cupboard. I open the cupboard door and make my way to the boys bathroom because I need to know if I can hide any of these bruises.

I walk quickly and painfully. Until thankfully I make my way to the bathroom undisturbed. And then I make contact with myself and if I'm honestly I'm surprised it hasn't happened already. I thow up, I know pathetic but I have a touchy stomach, okay? I hug the toilet with more strength than I really thought possible and it gets worse. my nose decides right then to start bleeding. So, now the vomit it a mixture of that and blood. Which of course just makes me dry heave even more, which you definitely can`t blame for me.

After around ten minutes of hard-core throwing up, its done and I'm like super close to passing out. And about the only thing stopping me is my hatred of the infirmary, which is high let me tell you that and I'm trying to avoid people, not for my sake but for theirs. After wiping my mouth and rinsing it out, way too many times. I regain the courage to look in the mirror again. And its bad. My noise is slightly crooked and its bleeding and oh god parts are dried. My face is bruised and my hair is matted at the back with blood and my stomach well that feels like I've just thrown up which I have and like its been punched too many times which is it. And yet its okay. This isn't the worst, comparing this to the leaving gift Vernon got for me, it feels a slap.

I don't think my glamour will conceal fresh bruises or blood, it only seems to hide old scars and weight loss. Not fresh beatings by a bunch of Gryffindor's. it seems like I`m bullied wherever I go but it isn't because of Dudley`s friends this time.

"Harry" a voice shouts through the pretty much empty bathroom.

And like I do, I go to the nearest toilet and lock the door because I am really not presentable and I am definitely not in the emotional stability to carry out small talk, let alone a conversation.

"Are you in here" is met with silence, other than my shaking limbs and my ever constant pounding heartbeat, which is like a rabbit on steroids and red bull and coffee. Yes I am anxious eleven year old I'm aware.

Instead of saying yes I'm in here, I do what I'm best at, shutting up and silencing my hurt, _that's the way I was taught I suppose._


	16. I don't think he likes me anymore

**And I`m back, like I said earlier I`m not abandoning this story because it means a lot to me. I know I'm the worst person ever I mean it's 20 fucking 18, I hate me too. I can`t believe I haven't updated this story in over a two months but I do have an excuse. To put it bluntly things have been shit and I'm having a lot of writers block, not to mention I've got so many fucking exams to study for and my computer decided to bloody now, that's out the way now to on reviews, thank you so much for leaving reviews and follows and favourites! it makes my day a million times better and it allows me to better myself as a writer because I want to be a professional writer someday (not that's going to happen but I wasn't sorted into the house of Slytherin for nothing). First review, I`ll answer is the committing suicide one ,Harry is not going to kill himself okay, he's eleven and he's only thinking about death because it seems easier than abuse that doesn't mean anything is going to happen, he`s too innocent for that and I couldn't do that to the character (sorry for the rant). Poppy doesn't realise he`s wearing a glamour because she didn't do a scan on Harry and Harry casted an accidental complex glamour that wouldn't of been picked up on without well a lot of fucking scans. And you`re right I'm trying to build suspense and yes he`s underweight but these days it tends to be overlooked she probably thought he was just naturally skinny and she didn't undress him or anything so she doesn't know the full extent. I agree with what you say about Ron but I have no hate against him I think he's a very sweet character and I'm not doing an evil Ron story and I don't wish to so he will probably stay a minor character. Next review, Snape is a fucking arsehole I agree and you will have to wait to find out what he does but this isn't going to be a Snape turns cuddly and nice story because Snape is just well a maliciousness person with a few redeeming qualities. And thank you for what you said about my story, I hope you are in good health to :) Next review, again you'll have to wait and see... Lastly, should I put this on Wattpad?,I will if you want or on archiveofourown but I don't know if anyone would read it. Right, what does this chapter entail, I'm going to try and make it fluffy but I always break that promise. (SORRY FOR THE LONG A/N)**

 **Hopefully next time I`ll update quicker! Have a lovely day and if you like this chapter leave a review, pm me if you have any questions or you wanna chat, favourite, follow, or just read with a cup of coffee because coffee is life. I mean its kind of healthy right? it prevents heart disease.**

 **I don't think he likes me anymore**

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"Harry are you in here?" A voice asks.

"Come on buddy, do I need to accio you out here"

I close my eyes and hope that maybe if I close my eyes for long enough they'll disappear and I`ll disappear. That doesn't happen, when does it everand they carry on and on. And I know that no naivel, that they're going to save me because they're going to find me and wonder why there's blood on my head and puke in the toilet and I don't wanna give them an answer. I rest my head against my knees as I try to make myself as small as possible. So, _damn_ small.

A knock sounds on the cubicle door and it makes me flinch, I know pathetic right?

"We know its you Harry, we can see your tatty trainers and your heavy breathing" George tells me through the door.

And it is a surprise, like really? because they always seem to be the ones who rescue me and its never who I want it to be, its never Draco, or even Hermione for that matter. And the twins, well they must get real tired of saving the once saviour from doing all kinds of crappy things. _It isn't fair_ and its a childish statement to make but it isn't. Life was supposed to be better for me here. The bullies weren't meant to be here they were meant to be reminders of primary school and things that could of become of my life but that isn't true.

It seems where ever I go people hate me. But they'll never hate me as much as I hate myself, well maybe that's only reserved for Vernon, Snape and Voldemort. Because they harbour a lot of hate, too much hate and I don't want that to be me. I never want to become a person of hatred. Hates a strong word. So, maybe that just emphaises my hate for Vernon even more. I hate him with everything I have and it scares because I'm more terrified of him.

 _And I'm so damn scared_. But here at Hogwarts things were supposed to be different. I was supposed to be different. Don't get me wrong its so much better than the Dursley`s but there's are so many expectations here and I can`t but feel I have to live up to most of them.

A hand jiggles the doorknob.

"Come, on open up"

Fred whispers softly under his breath to George "it better be him, I swear to merlin"

"Alohamora" George says and with that the door unlocks, I feel eyes burning through me and I don't know who is talking to me at this point because here I am busy trying to smother myself with my kneecap. It didn't work as usual and the door is pulled open and they see the pathetic site of me. And trust me it's truly pathetic, I mean I had to pick the boys bathroom although I suppose it was better than the cupboard. Way bloody better.

"Who hit you" George asks.

"We will make them pay" Fred says angrily.

"Think of all the pranks Georgie" Fred looks at George his eyes burning with an indistinct feeling.

I look upwards and spot their faces, full of concern and worry and Gryffindoor feels that I don't want right now.

"No one" I whisper back, as I try and count the tiles on the bathroom so far I've got to thirty one.

"Yes because you clearly just fell down some stairs again?" Fred questions dryly.

"No I bet he walked into a door" George replies whilst half-heartedly pointing to the door and shaking his head.

A strange half chuckle, half cry sounds from my throat and I have to stop myself from throwing up again. Not, that there's anything to actually throw up. Just me and my friend stomach acid, we've had too many experiences which each other. Namely when Vernon punches so hard you throw up even when there's nothing left. I'm surprised he hasn't hit a kidney yet, maybe he needs to work on his aim.

"Seems you need to go to the infirmary ickle Harrikins" George declares, and I shake my head wildly in response because that is not happening.

Not again. _Never again._

"No infirmary, I'm not hurt" I lie through my teeth but there's I suppose a gleam of truth because other than the obvious bruises and the blood and the vomit, which was my own doing. Is the fact that I'm not really hurt, I've been hurt way worse and this well its quite simple to understand, this is nothing compared to Vernon`s fury and his fists, or God forbid his belt but I should probably start using Merlin instead of God. Do wizards believe in God? That besides the point, the point is that this was nothing and maybe okay there's anther reason that I don't want to go to the infirmary.

Actually there's two, Draco is number one ,as I'm avoiding him since the whole Hermione situation and I don't want his pity or his disgust. And secondly the glamour, what it all goes back to and they can't know. I'm supposed to be the boy-who-lived, some saviour that saved the Wizarding world but I'm not. I'm a boy who spent most of his life living out of a cupboard with an empty stomach and a scarred back and that isn't how hero's live. _And if I was so god damn special than why couldn't I save my parents?_

I tilt my head to the side, as if I can filter them out. As you can guess it doesn't work and so lost in my world like the usual I forget where I am, who I am and most importantly who I'm with. The twins are probably the most hardest people to lie to., which makes my lies all the more harder to say.

"Harry, I think you have a head injury" George says snapping me back to reality.

"Nope" I reply plainly because I don't well I don't think so.

"You are going to the infirmary"

"I'm fine" I answer dazily as I stare at me kneecap and ask myself the inevitable question, why is it so knobbly?

"Seems like you need better glasses because I think having a head injury and a body full of bruises" George says as he looks intensely at me like his eyes can just imperil me to the infirmary.

"Oh Georgie you missed the puke in the toilet" Fred interrupts as he points to the toilet.

"Thanks Freddie, You are going to the infirmary Harry and I will carry you there" George says forcefully and I don't know how to tell him, that I can't.

I look upwards, meeting two pairs of identical blue eyes and I shake my head.

"I'm not going" I mumble into my knee.

They make eye contact with each other over me head. And then they slide down to the cubicle floor with me.

"Why do you hate the infirmary so much" Fred asks truthfully.

"Sure Pompfrey is overbearing but you get to miss lessons" George reasons back.

My eyes find the floor and seems glued to it like always. "Hospitals bring back bad memories" I reply quietly, meek as ever and it doesn't seem like it's going to change anytime soon.

"What's a hospital?" Fred asks, his eyes full of confusion.

"Oh well it's the muggle version of an infirmary I suppose but with machines and medicine instead of potions and magic" I answer meekly.

"You know we have to do something Harry" George says earnestly as Fred nods his along.

"We can't leave a hurt first year, we're Gryffindors for merlins sake, we live for valiance" Fred said as he places his arm around me which elicits a flinch of course because ol'Harry Potter can't be touched without flinching. Luckily or well at least I think so, Fred ignores it and keeps his arm there.

"What if we take you to Snape?" Fred asks.

To which I reply "I'd rather go to the infirmary"

This somehow cracks them up, of all the damn things. And I mean it cracks them up a lot. Too much for them to be sane. You know, it surprises me that there in Gryffindor, you would think with their reputation they'd be Slytherin. I bet there only in Gryffindor so they can prank Percy.

"What are we going to do with you" George says aloud. Fred nods along, completely in sync with his twin as always.

And well I stay silent, as I should be.

"I feel better" I say aloud, as if those words will erase this, _me._

Fred's eyes light up and if this was a muggle cartoon, a lightbulb would appear over his head.

"What if we sneak into Snape's potions cupboard" Fred says hurriedly, George raises his eyebrows as if he's pondering on whether it will work or not.

"We can use the map and it's important, just look at ickle Harry" Fred says persuasively until George nods in silent agreement.

"I'll stay here, you go Fred" George informs, whilst looking at me up and down.

"Okay, we need a headache drought, a stomach soother that's a definite and some cream for his bruises" Fred lists off as he makes intense eye contact with George.

"Does anything else hurt Harry?" George asks earnestly. I shake my head, wishing that they didn't find me because now if Snape finds Fred ,well it won't be pretty.

"Oh and do you want me to find Draco whilst I'm at it, I doubt he'd tell. Although he does like Snape an awful lot" Fred asks,my heart speeds up and my stomach drops.

I don't want to bother Draco. He's got better things to do than have to babysit poor Harry Potter. He could be hanging out with Hermione instead, _that is what he's doing my mind taunts me._ They both share a look over my head, until George nods and Fred rushes out of the bathroom.

"So what's the deal with you and Draco" George asks.

"Nothin-ng" I stutter back.

"You know when people say nothing it always means that somethings going on" George ponders aloud, as he scans my face for some sort of hidden answer I'm guessing.

"I don't want to talk about" I reply vaguely back but it's the truth and I've never been the best at spilling all my secrets.

"I won't tell anyone, I promise and you can trust me I'm Gryffindor. Look I'm just worried about you Harry" He smiles softly and looks over at me, as if pleading with his eyes will make me tell him.

And to some degree it does. I don't know if it's my queasy stomach or the headache but I end up telling him.

"I don't think he likes me anymore" I say meekly.

George looks incredulous for a second and then his face breaks.

"I don't think that's true Harry" He says assuredly.

"Whenever he's with Hermione he forgets I'm there. And I don't blame him, why would I. Who needs freaky Harry when you can talk to smart Hermione?" I mumble brokenly.

I don't see George's reaction mainly because I don't want to but he taps my shoulder and I end up finding myself glancing up at him.

His face seems sad and it doesn't fit with him at all. I knew I shouldn't of told him , what was why I thinking, he's going to think I'm so stupid , so pathetic. What if he agrees, what if he thinks Draco is hanging out with a freak?

He sighs loudly and frowns.

"I don't know who told you that 're you're a frieak but they were wrong. And I'm sure Draco does still like you, maybe he fancies Hermione or something. We all tend to get a bit lost when's there's a crush or a pretty girl involved. And you definitely have your own qualities Harry, you aren't below Hermione" He rambles on with a troubled look on his face.

A single tear falls from my eyes and George's thumb swipes underneath it and collects it. I flinch back slightly and its seems to trouble him even more. And after that one tear, it seems I can't stop the rest.

And soon I'm sobbing mess, George presses me into his robes and somehow I end up wrapped in his arms. And for once, I'm okay with the contact. Unfamiliar of course but it feels nice to be hugged, to be held instead of hit. And with that though it just sends me into a surge of even more tears.

George holds me tighter and starts murmuring words to me.

"It's okay Harry".

And with those words I close my eyes and try and ignore the tears falling down my cheeks and he pain rumbling in my head.


	17. Haven

**Right, I definitely have some issues with updating this. Sorry isn't going to cut it but I am sorry, its been about three months and I haven't really had the time to update. I`m always busy reading or studying or updating a story I haven't published or getting invested in new fandoms. I'm a piece of shit, we have already established that. This story probably has about eight or less chapters to go and I do know- well sort of, how its going to end. Thank you for the reviews on the last chapter they mean a lot and thanks for the possible ending the reviewer gave me its a good ending, I like a lot of aspects but Snape isn't going to save Harry. At the start of writing this, if you asked me if I liked Snape I`d say yes now I`ve changed and I really dislike Snape and mostly everything about him (his obsession with Lily, his reasoning of hating harry because he hates James, the cruelty and abuse he has with his students *cough* Neville). Anyway, I'm not debating my hatred of Snape or Dumbledore (pm if you wanna chat about that), my A/N is always long enough.**

 **Anyhoo, this chapter will be quite fluffy and maybe it will have a subtle cliff hanger. I probably won`t update till the start of July, since I have two months of exams *hell*, unless I decide to procrastinate. Which I apologise for but I need to pass them so I can have a life and study English lit at uni and so on.**

 **Hope you like the chapter, leave a review, comment or just cheekily read it! And give my account on archive some love its called `cloudygrey2001`, I might re-upload this with some editing on the site. Keep drinking tea, I'm into Darjeeling at the moment so give it a try peeps.**

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Half an hour later of tears and panic, way too much panic . Fred arrives, dramatically but still he arrives and my heart is pounding louder than ever because he stole from Snape and stealing from Snape is asking for it. And now I've got another person in trouble because of my freaky stupid needs. And why can`t everything be okay, for just once, why does everyone always get in trouble and why is it always my fault?

"Harry? Are you okay?" George asks again, seeing my dazed face and if I wasn't so tired I'd have a panic attack. But now I just wanna fall asleep. I'm tired about thinking about how I'm below everyone, I'm tired of the glamour, I'm tired of being bullied and _I'm tired of being tired._

But this is the kind of tired that doesn't fade with a nap. So begrudgingly with my eyes open I nod my head trying not to damage my aching and still injured head, that doesn't want to fade with fatigue.

"I wanna go to sleep" I say my eyes stuck to the floor, like always because I have a stupid fear of confrontation and at the Dursley`s I can`t meet Vernon`s eyes. That`s one of the rules you see and you can`t break the rules because _he`ll break you_. _And I'm tired of being broke._

A hand taps on my shoulder and suddenly I'm dragged out of my mind and into worried identical faces.

"Don't go to sleep, you can`t fall asleep on a head injury" George or was that Fred replied.

And then a vial is being pushed towards me and I shake my head violently, so much that my head hurts because I don't like taking things, I don't know about or what's in them. Reminds me of Vernon, I guess a lot of things do that unfortunately. Too many things I suppose.

"Its a headache draught, we aren't going to poison you" Fred responds.

Reluctantly I part my lips and suddenly a horrible liquid is being tipped down my throat and it tastes like dirty socks, then again Snape did make it, so that doesn't surprise me that much. Snape probably wants it to taste bad on purpose because he`s Snape. Need I say anymore.

The face I pulled most of been funny because they start to laugh. And then another vial is thrust towards me, this one is a soft violet colour and before I can open my mouth to ask what it is, I'm told.

"Stomach soother, so you know, you won`t throw up and stink out all of the toilets" he informs and tips it done my throat.

And then unsurprisingly another vial meets my lips and before I can ask what it is, its poured down my throat and it tastes like clementine's oddly enough.

"What was that?" I question but instead of panic the world seems calm, and its not being tilted on the edge anymore like usual.

"Draught of peace, otherwise known as the calming potion and before you argue, you needed it what with you being prone to anxiety attacks and if you weren't so injured you would of have had one by now"

And I don't quite know how to respond to that because he's correct, too correct like he read my mind and now its out there for everyone to see. And then a hand is smothering cream on to bruises.

Everything is just so unfamiliar because when I get hurt usually, no one is there unless they want to hurt me further. And I don't understand, why anyone would stay around _when they can`t hurt me._ When the kids at primary school teased me for my scruffy clothes and knotted hair, I cried in the toilets and no one asked, if I was okay but that's fine because I`m used to it.

And when Vernon beat me until everything went a sharp black, I was alone and that was okay. People don't stay, they leave and that's okay because I'm used to it, I expect it. But this, this is odd, I don't understand why people stick around when they can`t leave their mark on me or make me cry.

"Hey, is it working because somehow you look worried?" George asks only for Fred to interrupt.

"That must be some strong anxiety if a calming potion can`t solve it" Fred jokes and I don't really have it in my heart to laugh.

Instead I curl up on the floor, in a sad attempt to disappear, I rest my head on Fred`s long legs and just as the world begins to fade away and turn to dreams, or knowing me probably nightmares, a voice interrupts.

"You aren't falling asleep on the bathroom floor, imagine all the dirt" Fred says assertively.

"Just scourgify it, I know you know how to do it, you guys are far to smart for you`re own good" I mumble, as I position my head further into Fred.

"Still, we aren't letting you sleep on the floor, haven't you heard of chivalry young harry, probably not knowing you. But let me assure you by the end of the day, you`ll know everything, its our mission right Georgie" He rambles passionately and knowing Fred he`s probably got his hand on his chest.

"Oh yes definitely Freddie" And with that they both jump up and thankfully my head doesn't get bashed against the floor, it seems Fred's hands caught it, along with picking up my body. And seriously why am I being picked up, I mean they healed me for gods sakes.

"Why are you picking me up?, I'm not hurt" I ask confusion dribbling from my voice.

To this Fred lets off a boisterous laugh that pulses through me, like the answer to my question was so obvious, the whole of Hogwarts was already informed. But it isn't because none of this makes sense, I don't understand and I'm confused. And I hate being confused because it leaves you so far away from control. I hate feeling out of control.

"I don't need a reason to pick you up, plus you`re like the tiniest, most adorable first year so I take that as an accusation to my strength, and you are practically asleep on my shoulder" He reasons with amusement.

"Why does everyone think I`m tiny and I`m not adorable, I'm so very manly and you know it" I answer because I can`t be that small and why does everyone bring it up, Draco always went on about it.

Draco. That name that won`t disappear from my head he must be so annoyed. But then the calming potion seems to kick in and Draco intermingles with my panic and they fade from view. As I fall asleep on Fred`s shoulder. Everything at that moment was okay, it was peaceful.

* * *

"Did you hear his snores?" A voice peeped through the quiet of my dream that was oddly peaceful, I shuffle over and try and escape the voice.

"I know he`s so cute, plus he's practically our little brother, he would of made a good Gryffindor" another identical voice replies and suddenly I can`t sleep away the voices.

I peek open one eye and red is the first thing I see, a massive abundance of red. And confusion hits because I have no idea where I am, all I know is that the twins are here.

"Where am I" I slur to them sleepily.

Both of them turn around and are faced towards me in an instant. And to my surprise George blushes, probably because he knows I heard his conversation. But I didn't really hear it, it just sounded like words mingling together.

"You are in our dorm room, ickle Harry, we snuck you up here, it was if I may so quite slytherin of us" Fred answers and then he begins raucously laughing at my shocked face and soon George joins in.

"What?" Is the only thing that will come out of my mouth as of yet.

And then I pull the really soft pillow over my head as I mumble aloud "What time is it?"

"Nearly dinner" one of them responds and at that I let out a huge sigh because I would rather do anything but sit down next to the Slytherin`s and eat and watch them pick apart my eating habits, like I pick apart my food. And I'm not even touching upon the topic that is Draco Malfoy.

"We can`t let our little Harry starve"

And after that things begin to blur because that's what they did, left me to starve and they enjoyed it and I don't know how to get over it. I can`t eat without feeling guilty, or my stomach crying out in pain because its used to the bare minimum of nothing but water that I steal from the bathroom sink when Petunia makes me clean the bathroom.

"Hey, are you okay?, Harry?" a voice asks.

A hand taps my shoulder and the pillow is dragged away until I meet two pairs of sparkling blue eyes.

"I'm great" I reply almost sardonically.

And with that I'm pulled out of the really soft bed. I glare at Fred because he disturbed my lovely sleep, with no nightmares I mean can you believe it. Like really?

And with a few spells from them, my cloak and clothing is back to its normal state, which is really rather good because it means one that the I won`t let down the slytherins and two no one will know anything about today.

"Do we have to go the great hall?" I plead trying to look as `cute` as I can but it must not of worked because they both nod there heads in perfect sync. And did I mention that its creepy because I`d like to reiterate it.

"Afraid so buddy, you`ll get to see Draco though" Fred says only for George to tap his shoulder and whisper something I can`t hear into his ear.

"Draco doesn't want me, not anymore, he likes Hermione and everyone forgets about me after a while, all they need is the reminder that someone better is out there" I mumble more to myself than them.

Their faces drop as does my heart.

"We won`t forget about you" Fred says.

"And that`s a promise" George interrupts.

I don't believe them, then again my trust issues could probably match the berlin wall.

"And Draco hasn't forget about you" Fred says and then he`s tugging my hand and I swallow back the panic and follow them out of their dorm room. Until they run into Lee, who looks confused until Fred winks back and scream "the saviour has called".

And I blush fiercely, as I glare into Fred.

And then my hand is pulled once more as we make it out of their common rooms. I feel my hands start to shake and I can`t do it. Because Draco doesn't care, he likes Hermione, I'm just an annoyance, a daydreaming kid.

"Come on, if he says anything, he`ll regret it" Fred growls.

"Well I think he learnt about chivalry today Fred" George laughs at his twins face and then we are walking down the moving staircases which are such a bad idea. Not to mention, I broke my ankle on one of them and even got a concussion of all things, so that probably explains why Fred is still holding my hand.

"Are we late?" I ask with panic because I don't wanna walk in late with the twins and have everybody look at me angrily, or maybe its more like I don't want anyone to pay attention to me.

"Nope early" George answers and points to the barely filled hall. Our hands part and I know they would be happy with me sitting with them but that would draw too much attention, and I think you have already gathered that I hate attention being drawn to me.

And with a very deep breath I move towards the Slytherin table and luckily Draco isn't there because I'm not feeling the courage to confront him or most likely for him to confront me. However, Blaise is there and motions me over.

I sit down next to him and I feel something akin to guilt because I haven't talked to Blaise that much, my mind is always preoccupied with Draco or Hermione.

"Harry, I haven't see you at all today actually, are you okay then?" He asks sincerely and it warms my heart because for the longest time I thought that Blaise didn't care.

"I'm actually rather good, how about you?" I reply because right now I am quite good, with the only exception being Draco and Hermione.

"I'm good thank you, you haven't seen Draco have you? he disappeared right after lunch" he says as he bites into the way too rich meat, Hogwarts are keen to serve.

"No sorry" I mutter and my eyes follow the wide array of food that I have no means to eat, even though my stomach doesn't feel like its churning itself to pieces, I guess I'm just used to the emptiness of my stomach.

And then some pasta dish is slapped on to my plate. I look up my eyes still in a daze as I see Blaise wearing a smirk that reminds me of Draco.

"Come on, I saw you walk in with the twins and I'm pretty sure they`d kill me if you aren't eating, besides you`re small enough as it is" He says as he then places some vegetables next to the pasta and I'm just glad it wasn't rich meat smothered in gravy that landed on my plate.

I pour some pumpkin juice and my eyes meet Fred, who seems to be pointing towards my plate. I scoop some pasta up and begin to chew and chew, until it all sort of mushes and slides down my throat. Disgusting I know, but its the easiest way to make sure it doesn't come back up later, that and well not eating anything.

I pick up the pumpkin juice as I wash it down and listen to Blaise discuss his mother`s new boyfriend, who's adamant that Blaise is his new son.

And then my world implodes because Draco walks through the doors. Instead of being brave, probably why I'm not a Gryffindor, I make solid eye contact with Blaise and concentrate on the food that I can`t quite eat right now.

Then he's walking over and it takes all I have not to run away back to the haven the twins always seem to supply me with, but attachments are unhealthy and I have trust issues.

He sits down right next to me and I turn to Blaise and finish off our conversation, determination filling my veins because I can`t confront him, I can`t, he`s forgotten about me and I know it.

"Harry" his voice peeps through the corners of my mind.

And I try my hardest to turn away. But its _Draco_.


End file.
